Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Wrapping up 2018 and my word for 2019

I think it is safe to say that 2018 was one hell of a year. I have learned so much about myself this year, and about life, really. The biggest lesson is that there is always meaning to be found, particularly in the negative events in our lives.

Before I get too much into that, I want to talk about the word I chose for 2018: STRETCH. Each year I choose a word that is the focus for my year. This year I wanted to stretch myself both literally as in stretching to keep my muscles loose and healthy, and also figuratively as I intended to stretch myself beyond what I thought I was capable of. 2018 stretched me in more ways than I ever could have imagined. I ran not ONE but TWO ultra marathons, saw my chiropractor on a regular basis, volunteered for a bunch of races, threw down a ton of trail miles, and even got a story published on Ultra Running (dot) com! I also faced the biggest health issue of my life so far when I was diagnosed with cervical cancer.

Through it all though, a theme emerged. As I stretched myself beyond what I thought I was physically capable of, I also faced some of the biggest challenges of my life and quickly realized that I must also stretch what I believe to be true in the world. I hold a strong truth that the universe is a friendly place that is on my side. There were more times this year than ever that I had to stretch this belief far to find the meaning behind what life threw at me.

The year began a bit uneasy when N was essentially laid off from his job. It wasn't sudden, and we had plenty of time to plan for the potential of him being out of work, which was all for nought as he quickly leaned into the change and decided to go into business for himself as an independent consultant. This was the first of many experiences that showed up to challenge us and to test our perpetually optimistic attitudes towards life, which includes the strong belief we both hold: that the universe is friendly and wants us to succeed.

It was much later in the year that I realized how necessary it is to look not only at the perceived negative event, but also to the positive that came of that negative, which likely would have never happened without that first crappy thing. Case in point: while N's new job required a lot of travel every other week, when he was in town he set his own schedule, making it feasible for us to cancel post-care for our boys and provided for extra time with N when they got home from the bus. Plus the time alone gave me complete control over the TV a few nights every other week, which was actually pretty nice. I also had to deal with the raccoon situation, which ultimately helped me feel like I could handle a lot more going on at the house than I realized.

Fast forward to mid-year when we lost our beautiful dog, Delilah. She was 13 years old and lived a long and happy life. I am so grateful to have spent almost her entire life with her. What a sweet girl she was. I miss her terribly.

The loss of Delilah was devastating. I could barely walk into the house without breaking down in tears. She was our girl and I wasn't sure how to go through the day-to-day life without her. Around the same time that she died we were hoping to remodel our kitchen. We moved forward with the remodel after she died, and there were workmen in and out of our home for 8 weeks, which never could have happened when she was alive. While we loved her dearly, she was an aggressive dog and we could not allow her to be around other people. We would have had to kennel her to get this work done, and that would have been very difficult for her.

It was also in her loss that I realized how much it means to me to have animals in our home. In August we welcomed our new kitty, who became a light in the darkness of our animal-less home. N might beg to differ, but even with torn up pieces of paper and kitty footprints on the counter and early am wake-ups and the overall annoyances of a young cat, we are smitten with him. He is teaching the boys what it is like to have a friendly cat and has brought a light to our home that even I didn't realize had burned out. If not for the loss of Delilah we would not know our sweet new kitty.

And of course the biggest issue we faced this year, and truly the biggest challenge I have faced in my life so far, my cancer diagnosis.

I am still searching for the meaning in this. In the previously mentioned examples, the meaning became clear sometime after each experience. I am still waiting for the meaning of my cancer to be revealed. I feel a strong sense that life cannot just go on like cancer never happened, or that it can go back to the way it was. There has to be some deeper meaning for what I went through. I have no doubt that this meaning will reveal itself at the right time. It might be subtle, or it could hit me like a ton of bricks. I'll wait patiently knowing that the universe is friendly, and trust that there is something to come of this.

I am so looking forward to what the new year will bring. More stretching? More adventure? More opportunities to be vulnerable? When I think about power and strength and all that goes into the way I make decisions in my life, I realize how much fear I have as I approach the world. I have spent a lot of my life afraid of what might happen. What am I so afraid of? Failure? Success? Feeling too vulnerable? Things not going perfectly? Any of these and more, I suppose.

I have learned two very important things this year. First, the universe really is a friendly place, even when it doesn't seem so. So what is there to be so afraid of? Second, I do not want to spent my life allowing fear to keep me from doing not only what is possible but also what might just bring me the most joy in this life.

My first word choice for 2019 was fearless, but this really is inaccurate. To operate without fear is inhumane. We are wired to be afraid in order to stay safe. While I would like to face the world with a sense of fearlessness, I do not think this is exactly what I am going for.

As I explored words that would capture what I hope for myself in 2019, one kept coming to mind...

1. firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something

I have to trust that no matter what life throws at me,  I have the strength to handle it. I also have to trust that all that happens in life has meaning, whether I find it immediately or after waiting patiently.

If all of this is true, what do I have to be afraid of?

"I truly believe that everything that we do and everyone that we meet is put in our path for a purpose. There are no accidents; we're all teachers - if we're willing to pay attention to the lessons we learn, trust our positive instincts and not be afraid to take risks or wait for some miracle to come knocking  at our door." ~Marla Gibbs

Bring on 2019!

Monday, October 22, 2018

Feelings. So Many Feelings.

First and foremost, I am so happy to share that my doctor confirmed today that I am officially cancer free! All of the pathology came back clear, so I am at no more risk than anyone else for cancer in the future. Hooray!!

I have so many feelings today as I process this news and all that has happened in the last few months. It is officially over, it seems. Yet I feel that I have more processing to do. While the surgery was the end of a fairly long story, it also feels like it all happened very quickly.

I read the pathology today, which was more detailed than the other reports I have read. The report described my uterus and fallopian tubes in detail. It described the colors and even the measurements. As I read this description, I became very, very sad. I imagined the doctor who was looking at the specimen as just that, a specimen. I understand science and that my uterus looks the same as anyone else’s. That the cancer growing on it was the same as anyone else who has had cervical cancer. Yet it came from my body and served such a huge purpose.

I wondered if the pathologist thought about me as the person whose body once housed that incredible organ. I wondered if she had an appreciation how magical that organ was, or if it was just another part of her day as a scientist. I wondered if she would appreciate the fact that it twice grew from the size she saw into huge as a tiny embryo stretched it to house a beautiful 8+ pound baby boy.

What I read was the science behind it all, and it sort if hit me that my uterus really isn’t there anymore.

Ultimately, I am glad it is gone. It was to serve no purpose going forward. It was the source and cause of a lot of stress and worry over the past 5 years. So much worry that I can now put behind me, but interestingly enough, I am not quite ready to do that just yet. I suppose it makes sense though. I mean, I have been very aware of its existence since August 13, 1991. Does anyone else remember the day of their very first period? I don’t even know how I know that, but I totally do.

I have more healing to do both physically and spiritually and am looking forward to four more weeks of rest and recovery. I am still on orders of taking it easy and no running and will hopefully be able to try some light impact exercise soon. I am missing the way exercise helps me cope with the stresses of life. Although there isn’t much stress in doing word puzzles and binge-watching Netflix 😊

So for now I will spend some time in introspection and reflection, in hopes of getting to a place where I can genuinely say that all of this really is behind me.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

Hospitals are not Hiltons

I am home. I had my surgery. And I am so humbled by this whole experience.

So much happened in the last 4 days. It feels like both the longest and the shortest days of my life. Is that even possible?

This was me at about 10:50am on Monday outside of the hospital.

N and the boys got this shirt for me as a nice way to keep the experience positive and light-hearted. While the photo was taken when I arrived, I waited to share it until after the surgery. I figured I’d want to share it when it was over but some thought this was after the surgery. Heck no! I didn’t wear real clothes until sometime late Tuesday morning and I sure didn’t look this well as I hobbled from the wheelchair to the car!

Anyway, I felt pretty good going into the surgery. It’s funny though, going to a hospital I figured they would just be the experts and know everything that needed to be done and I would just be able to relax and let them take care of everything. Not so much. Hospitals are not Hiltons, after all.

The consent form they handed me was the first clue that I will always have to be my own advocate. The form included the removal of my ovaries, which was not part of the plan. Needless to say, I did not sign that one.

Next, while a very kind nurse was trying to give me an IV, a very impatient phlebotomist came in to take some blood. She actually wanted me to hand over my right arm while the lady was trying to start the IV in my left arm. Settle down lady, can’t you all just get the blood out of the IV line so I am only stuck once?

Theoretically yes, but the woman trying to start the IV couldn’t. She set the IV then the impatient lady got my blood with one stick and was out! Then I noticed my skin burning at the site and a big bubble pooling under the site. That IV was definitely NOT in the right place. The main nurse restarted the IV in my hand with no issues.

At about the same time the IV was finally restarted, a tall doctor who introduced himself as the anesthesiologist came into the room with his rolling computer and began talking really fast and clicking buttons. I looked at him and realized I hadn’t heard one single word he said. So I interrupted him and said “I am going to need you to start over again and slow down so I can understand you.” He stopped clicking and looked at me, then he actually saw me. He answered all of my questions (like would I need a catheter and would I be awake when they took the tube out, yes/no FYI).

The rest is a bit of a blur. I signed the right consent form kissed N goodbye, and as nervous as I was I ept thinking about how happy I was that this was me and not one of the boys or even N. Inside I wanted to run away from it all. I wished the pregnancy test had been positive or that the doctor would have been called away for an emergency. But I also wanted to get this over with. It was a constant dichotomy.

Even though the rest is a blur, I will never forget the way I felt right before I drifted off to sleep. Nicole, the anesthesia nurse, looked me in the eyes each time she spoke to me. I crawled up onto the operating table and scooted to where they needed me. I laid my head back and she put the mask on my face. Then she placed both hands on both sides of my face and said she was right there with me and that they would all take very good care of me. I let out a little cry of relief and fear and thanked her. I closed my eyes, which started to water, took some deep breaths and fell asleep.

Next thing I remember is opening my eyes in the recovery room. My nurse spoke to me and I tried to talk but my throat was sore from the tube. The more I spoke the easier it was. I drifted in and out of sleep and felt really good. I had no pain. My mouth was pretty dry and she gave me ice chips to suck on. Apparently general anesthesia shuts off all body systems including the creation of saliva. It takes awhile for that to return.

It was about 4:30pm when I first woke up and my pain level was never more than a 2. It was very well controlled. Long story short, I finally made it to a hospital room at 8:30pm. Yes, I was in recovery for 4 hours! I should have only been there for 1-1.5 hours. It was actually a very entertaining 4 hours. I’ll have to share that part of the story for another time.

I was so relieved to see N in the hospital room. I was really sad that it was too late for the boys to come to the hospital, but we talked through FaceTime, which was nice. I was also really disappointed that I couldn’t eat anything. I was starving! I was NPO then in clear liquids. Tea never tasted so good!

Not a great photo, but you get the idea.

I didn’t sleep well overnight but enjoyed the peacefulness of the empty room and the TV to myself. I was anxious to get home and was released at about 10am on Tuesday.

I’m slowly gaining strength each day but man, this is SO HARD! I have a whole new understanding of and respect for surgery. I have often said that BBZ’s whole personality changed after the surgery he had at 9 months old, and I believe that even more now. I am an adult and this experience was traumatizing. Don’t get me wrong, I am okay, but this experience was no joke and has been harder than I could have predicted.

I think the worst part for me has been the pain from the gas they injected into my abdomen to make room for the laparoscopic surgery tools. Apparently the gas irritates the diaphragm which is on the same nerves as the shoulders, so the pain radiates from my front to my back and doesn’t seem to be helped by any medication. I was not prepared for that! Tonight was the first time I have really had much relief. Luckily I am just taking ibuprofen now rather than a Tylenol/ibuprofen combo. I tried taking the Tylenol 3 but it didn't seem to be any different and I hate taking prescription medications.

As should be expected, I am having a hard time with the lack of activity. I am so used to being crazy active with 13k+ steps daily and this drastic reduction seems like a shock to my body. I am getting up and moving around, but I get tired really quickly and have to sit back down.

The good news is I am feeling stronger each day! I am just not good at taking it easy. I am trying though. I don’t really have a choice. My mom and dad have come over to keep me company and make sure we are all eating well, so many friends have reached out and I have received some really thoughtful care packages with goodies to enjoy post surgery. I’m working on word puzzles and binge watching Netflix and trying to remind myself that I will be able to run again sometime soon-ish. I walked around the little circle outside a couple of times, but I get light headed and I can’t go alone and it kind of freaks me out.

I’m trying to listen to my body and not think about my fitness, but it sure is hard to turn off the part of my mind that is so focused on finding health through movement and activity. I am trying to focus that same health-seeking mindset on resting and allowing my body the time it needs to heal but man, it is hard!

I’m on strict no driving orders until next week and I see why. My abdomen is sore and my reflexes are a bit delayed. Hopefully all of that will be back and in order for Monday when N travels again.
Thanks to everyone who has helped so far with thoughts, prayers, positivity, cards, messages and stuff to keep me occupied. I genuinely appreciate it all.

And I really, REALLY can’t wait to run again. I should probably focus on being able to walk around the block first.

Monday, October 1, 2018

Rockin' Rockwoods 53k Ultra Marathon

“The measure of a person’s strength is not his muscular
power or strength, but it is his flexibility and adaptability.”
~Debasish Mridha

Photo credit: Janzow Photography

I have had a beautiful relationship with one particular race here in St. Louis, MO. The 20k distance of the Rockin’ Rockwoods Ultra Marathon was my very first taste of the ultra world back in 2016. I returned for the shorter distance in 2017, which was increased to a half marathon, and loved it as much as the first year.

It is one of the most challenging races in the area, with an impressive elevation of over 2000ft for the half and over 5000ft for the longer distance, which is the 53k. For many reasons, this is my all time favorite race. It’s challenging and in a beautiful park with gorgeous and tough trails. It has been a dream of mine since 2016 to one day complete the longer 53k distance.

Well, my dream came true and I completed the race this past Saturday! And as should be expected from a super challenging course, completing it was not without its challenges.

I ran the first 6 miles feeling strong. I was averaging about an 11 minute mile, which I knew I could maintain until the steep climbs came after mile 15. Then out of nowhere at 6.5 miles, I began to have some knee pain deep down inside my right knee. I stopped and stretched it out and tried to walk it out. I was able to keep the pain at bay by giving myself frequent walking breaks until about mile 10 or so, then I took some ibuprofen to see if it would allow me to run more and finish the race.

The time between mile 10 and 13 were really rough. I was having some serious doubt that I could finish. I had a long way to go and I knew I could drop at the next station at mile 15 and walk back to the race start. I thought maybe I could cheer everyone on and still feel good about the situation. Maybe my body would do better for my upcoming surgery if I wasn’t recovering from a full race. I cried a little as I realized how hard it would be to go into the surgery shortly after my first DNF. My emotions were all over the place.

I hoped to get some guidance from my friends who I knew were at the 15 mile aid station, but I needed help sooner than that. So I texted N.

When I sent him that first text, I was sure he'd text back that it was okay to stop if I needed to. As soon as I saw his response, which was simply a request for more information, I turned straight to problem solving mode. I had tried to compute the distance but I just couldn't wrap my head around it. He's awesome at math so as soon as I saw that I could walk and still finish in the 10-hour cutoff time, I was golden.

Once I let go of attempting to run I was able to throw down a decent power hiking pace. I averaged about 16-17 minute miles for the rest of the race, with a couple of exceptions at the main aid station at mile 20 and during some of the steepest climbs.

Doing my best to make it look like I was running :)
Photo credit: Janzow Photography

I could have dropped. I wanted to drop. I had a lot of pretty valid excuses. I have cancer. I am having major surgery in nine days. My knee is in serious trouble. No one would blame me for dropping. I could cheer on my friends. If I was ever going to DNF, I had plenty of excuses lined up to make it a valid choice.


What if I finished this race despite all of those excuses? How strong would I feel? How good would that be for my psyche? I am forced to rest after the surgery anyway, so I can push my knee beyond what I typically would knowing I'll have extra time to let it heal.

Making the best of not running. Eating while power hiking!
Photo credit: Janzow Photography

The decision was a no-brainer. I pushed on and power hiked and felt pretty good through most of the race. People passed me and checked in on me to see if I was okay. I managed to choose music that I wanted to hear as opposed to music that would pump me up. I spent 9 hours in the woods on a beautiful day, texted with my husband to arrange when I'd finish and thoroughly enjoyed the course of my very favorite race.

 Rock and roll hands as I rocked Rockin' Rockwoods
Photo credit: Janzow Photography

Bee stung, scraped and blistered at the finish line.
Thrilled by the realization that this trail didn't break me.
 Photo credit: Janzow Photography

 09:01:44, two hours past my goal time.
I'll take it over a DNF any day.
 Photo credit: Janzow Photography

I am so grateful for this lady and her no bullshit take on the ultra running sport. During her race meeting the morning of the race she said no one should drop on this beautiful day. She said we all had 10 hours to complete this race, and she sure didn't want to have to pick any of our asses up at one of the stations, so no dropping.

Her words echoed in my head as I contemplated dropping. Letting her down would have been letting myself down. She and her crew design these races so we can push ourselves to the brink of failure, hoping that each of us succeed. Shalini and Jerod (Jerod is the mystery hand in the photo) and this moment are very special to me.

 Photo credit: Janzow Photography

These boys. THESE BOYS!! (and N too, he's just hiding) They both have referenced back to this race and the pride they feel in me. I am so happy that I am showing these boys that great things come from refusing to give up, and from being willing to adjust our expectations in the moment. As the quote above says, we must be willing and able to be flexible and adaptable to our experiences.

 Photo credit: Janzow Photography

I told N when I got home that night that his question back to me in that text is what changed the course of my mindset, and he said that he knew I was banking a lot of my strength for the upcoming surgery on my performance in this race. He knew what it meant for me, and he helped me figure out what I needed to do that was best for me, while also giving me an out at the end if I went that way. I sure do love him.

My other thought was when I do this race again, there's no doubt I will set a course PR as long as I can run it. Guess I can't put this race behind me just yet after all :)

Official stats:
53k (33 miles)
27th of 30
9th female of 11

My regular chiropractor is out on paternity leave so I saw his fill-in today. She stretched me out and helped me see and feel how incredibly tight my entire body was. It's unclear if the tightness was in place before the race and contributed to my knee or if the race made me tight all over, but nevertheless, it seems that the stress I've been under likely contributed to my body being "off" leading into the race.

The best part is she doesn't think the knee injury is anything long-term. As long as I can deal with my blistered feet, I'll be able to squeeze a few more runs in before my time off for the surgery.

I feel so lucky to have this life of mine. To be able to run a race like this is more than many people can even imagine. I have so many wonderful things in my life, and I can't wait to see what is up next in this incredible journey. Thanks for reading friends, and for going along with me in this little life.

Monday, September 24, 2018

I Found My Surgical Pacer

I met with the new oncologist this morning, and to say it went well would be a huge understatement.

N went with me this time, which was really great. I wish he went last time so he could compare the two experiences, but considering how ready I feel to take on this challenge with the support of this doctor I know seeking another option was the right thing to do.

We talked for a long time about what I've been through so far, and she helped me understand why she is recommending a simple hysterectomy. She drew pictures and answered every question we could think of. She even remembered a pen!

She noticed my socks and recognized them as a preference for running. She shared that she is a runner too and we chatted about running and upcoming races. Mine is this weekend, and she is training for the New York Marathon later this year. There is just something about talking about running with another runner. It creates an immediate connection and a shared language that is difficult to explain to people who are not runners.

As we discussed the details of the procedure and what I need to do to lead up to it, she said I have likely spent more time and energy preparing my body for the race on Saturday than I will need to do for the surgery. As we continued to talk and she referenced race training and prep with the surgery, she either said or I picked up on the fact that the the preparation for and execution of my race this weekend will likely be more difficult than this surgery.

So there it is. All I really needed to hear. Not only can I do this, but I have already done something more difficult than this and have done it well. I will be back on my feet and ready to put this all behind me in a period of time comparable to recovering from an ultra marathon.

And I've already done that once!

She did an incredible job of helping me feel confident and strong and not only able to handle this surgery, but that I would likely be back to running fairly quickly because I am in such good shape. Not once did I feel like she thought I needed to be taken care of. She pointed out my strengths and reassured me that they would carry me through this with ease.

I wrote a couple of days ago that although I feel surrounded by people supporting me and cheering for me, I am doing this alone. Well, my visit with this doctor totally challenged that thought. She and her team will be there with me the whole time. It's like she's my surgical pacer who will do everything she can to ensure a solid finish. I am so grateful that I held out hope and found someone who makes me feel this confident in the decision to move forward with the surgery.

We are working on the scheduling and it could be anywhere from 2-4 weeks away depending on what the nurse finds out. I should know by tomorrow.

They will do pathology on the uterus once it is removed to see if there is any further treatment needed. I am holding out hope that everything will be removed with the surgery and I will be able to put this whole experience behind me soon.

This has been a whirlwind of emotion and coping since July. I have spent a lot of time feeling fearful of this surgery and unsure of it all. For the first time, I am thinking of how much better it will be afterwards. I am able to see myself sailing through and actually feeling better once it is all over. It's a beautiful and much needed fresh perspective.

Sunday, September 23, 2018

10 Years A Mom

10 years ago today, this boy made me a mom.

I’m sure it hasn’t been easy for him. He gets the less experienced me. The me who encourages cautiousness in him because of my own fears. The me who desperately hopes I’m teaching him to be kind, strong, self-reliant and that he is capable of great things.

Oh my sweet first born, the simple fact that you exist in this world makes me proud. The fact that you bring so many positive things to the world is just an added bonus.

Happy 10 years to you, my love. And happy 10 years a mom to me.

Saturday, September 22, 2018

Cancer and Ultra Running: Going at it Alone

I was afraid that the 2 weeks leading up to my doctor appointment would drag on and the day would never come. Even with two babies who went far past 40 weeks, I am still not very good at waiting.

The first week did drag on, but this past week I was assigned a really fun and engaging work project that reignited a love for what I do. All of my focus went to that project and I didn't spend much time ruminating on the appointment and the tasks that will happen over the next few months.

Today though, I've spent some time reflecting on all that has happened so far.

My first surgery was on a Thursday and just one day before I was to volunteer at a 100-mile race being held a couple of hours away. I figured it was perfect because I wasn't going to be able to run that weekend anyway. What I failed to consider is the care that is required for a GYN procedure combined with the campsite bathrooms and a 32-hour race. I still don't really call it a surgery, but that's exactly what it was. I downplayed it to myself and to the very few people who knew about it.

Volunteering that weekend was both good for me emotionally and posed some challenges. On one hand I was pretty distracted as I gleefully supported runners to complete the race. On the other hand I went straight into that situation without really processing what happened. I kept it pretty quiet. Only my parents and two people at work even knew I was going through this.

The surgery didn't last very long. I went into the outpatient center, a place I had been before because of a work connection, so it felt familiar. I had to wear two of those hospital gowns, get an IV and answer the same questions about 15 times.

What is your name?
Why are you here today?
What procedure are we doing?

I walked into the operating room and it looked just like they do on TV. I put my legs in stirrups and they brought me a warm blanket because I was freezing. It was this small team of 4 women and I said "Is this what you all do all day? It's like a tribe of lady doctors all in this together."

I don't remember much after that. I felt relaxed and tired. I woke up and transferred to the rolling bed and they wheeled me into the recovery room. The nurse said she was going to leave to go get N.

After she walked out of the room, I sat there alone. I had so many emotions surrounding what just happened. As I processed it all in those few minutes, I also realized how very alone I was. I have felt nothing but support and love from my tribe. People from every corner of my life have filled me up with words of strength and offers to help. N walks beside me through this all and stands strong when I can't. Yet when I sat in that room completely by myself only interrupted by the sound of the humming florescent lights, the truth set in.

I am doing this alone.

It was only me in that bed having that surgery. It's me and me alone who answers the phone when they call with the next set of news. As supported as I feel, ultimately this is a path I must travel myself.

It was in this moment when she left the room that I realized all of this. I didn't feel weak, or that I couldn't do it. Just the reality of what I had to go through set in. I also felt a huge relief and cried at the realization that it was over. Of course we all know the outcome of that biopsy, and it's not quite over after all.

Those few minutes in the room alone were a beautiful time for me. As I reflect on it now I'm reminded of time during my first ultramarathon when I was alone on the trail. No one but me and my thoughts and the ground beneath my feet. Thoughts of "Can I really do this? Am I strong enough? I can't do this. I need to stop. No, I don't need to stop. I can finish and I can finish strong".

The trail was full of other racers and lots of friends and family supporting and cheering for me, yet only I actually ran the race. Me and me alone.

I have my second ultramarathon in 7 days. It is a tough course that I have ran pieces of numerous times. It has been a dream of mine for a few years now to finish this longer distance of the course, and I am so excited to toe the line and see how my body will perform. I have some nerves as I would before any race, but I am not worried at all. I feel strong and confident and ready to take on the challenge.

I have a sense that being diagnosed with cancer is somewhat similar to facing the challenge of an ultramarathon. Next Saturday I will feel nervous and uneasy at the start line, but I'll start anyway. I'll have moments where I'll feel strong and am gliding peacefully across the single track, and there will be moments when I'll wonder if I can do it and question my own strength and stamina. My friends and like-minded strangers who have been through this before will be at the aid stations ready to help me in anyway I need it in order to complete the challenge. My boys will be at the finish line to celebrate with me.

Yet only I can run the race. Only I can walk this path. Supported by many, and also alone.

And it's okay.

"If you wanted to do something absolutely honest, something true, it always turned out to be a thing that had to be done alone."
~Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

From Powerless to Empowered

I am so overwhelmed by the warmth and love I have received from my tribe since my last post. I feel surrounded by love and support and know that I am not alone.

I went to the oncologist last Thursday to discuss surgery. The type of cervical cancer I have is known to be broken apart in pieces, which is why I still need to have surgery even though there were negative margins in my biopsy and it initially seemed like all of the cancer cells were removed. This makes sense to me, but makes me sad as I cope with the reality of surgery and the risks involved.

The doctor was very kind and thoughtful and took her time to be sure that all my questions were answered. Then I left the office, went for a nice trail run and started to head home. I checked my email in my car and saw an email from my pharmacist saying that a medication that was prescribed was on hold because of an insurance issue. I called, and they said that a prescription for a super expensive 28-day supply of an anticoagulant injection that is prescribed post-surgery was called in. I knew nothing of this, and it sent me over the edge.

One of the big questions I asked was what medication I would need to take long-term following the surgery. Somehow this was forgotten. Isn't there a checklist somewhere? I tried calling the oncologist’s office on Friday and was told I could not contact the office directly. I had to go through this call center situation and leave a message that would be returned in 24-48 hours. So basically, not until Monday.

This may not seem like a big deal, but these two things happening caused a huge cloud of doubt to hover over me and this whole situation. Suddenly I felt powerless. I felt like a stranger in the medical world, forced to accept that broken system is just the way it is. The oncologist while kind, forgot to tell me this important piece of information regarding the medication I would have to take after the surgery. I felt trapped in this situation and as though this is just how it works and something I should get used to. I mean, she didn’t even bring a pen into the exam room. Who forgets a pen??

This trapped and powerless feeling lasted through much of Friday. I tried to go to work, but all I could think about is that I can either accept this situation or take on the huge job of finding another oncologist. I told myself I bet they are all this way, I better just accept it. I felt defeated.

At some point I realized that I needed to cover a long run before my race in three weeks. I checked the plans for my two running groups and came to the decision that I wanted to run the miles alone. Something was drawing me to this. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I just went for it.

I left the house before sunrise as usual, and there was a light misty rain most of the 45-minute drive to the trail head. I arrived before 7am, and hit the trail. Each mile filled me with more confidence then the last. As I passed 14, 15, then 16 miles, I began to get tired and to try and talk myself into cutting it short. 18 miles is a lot, I argued. 18 miles is close enough. I had to run past my car at about 18.5, so that was really tough. But I knew what it would mean for me if I ran 20 miles 4 days after I was diagnosed with cancer.

You see, I began to think I was sick. I started to have phantom pain in my uterus. Like I could feel the cancer (impossible). The word “cancer” would echo in my head. I am learning that when I am low like this I feel like the victim in this situation. As a typically positive person I should know by now that my pity parties do not last very long. These 20 miles pulled me straight out of pity and straight into STRENGTH and POWER. I am not sick, I am STRONG. I am POWERFUL. I get to make the decisions. If this doctor isn’t right for me, I will find another one who is. I hold the power, and I luckily have the blessing of time to find the right person for me.

Feeling empowered to take on this challenge, I took the steps needed to find a new doctor. I called my GYN and the nurse there was more than happy to give me another referral. She shared my unhappiness with my experience and validated my feelings that the experience was not what it needed to be. I called the other oncologist and have an appointment in two weeks.

I should add that the original oncologist I saw called me last evening and apologized. She was very supportive and understanding in my reasons for seeking another option. She welcomed me back if I decide that she is the one I'd like to work with. She actually said "I am happy to take care of you if you decide you want me to." 

Working in the disability field has afforded me the opportunity to see what it has been like for my friends who have disabilities to experience the loss of power that goes along with their navigating this healthcare system. I learned early on in my career that people with disabilities do not need or want to be "taken care of". They want services to be provided to them. They want to maintain the control over who provides the services they need.

I do not want anyone to take care of me. I want a surgeon who will provide a service I need. It may seem like semantics, but the message that I need to be cared for vs. I need a service provided to me by an expert are two very different ways to approach this situation. One evokes a sense of power in the provider, and one focuses on maintaining respect and understanding of the person.

I imagine there will be lots of highs and lows over the next few weeks and months. It has been a whirlwind, for sure. Ultimately, I know that no matter how out of control I feel, this is not happening to me, it is happening for me.

The greatest discovery of my generation
is that a human being can alter his life
by altering his attitudes of mind.
~William James

Monday, September 10, 2018

This is Seven.

I'm not sure what I did to deserve the honor of being this boy’s mom.

He teaches me how to really hear music, how to let loose and have fun, how to be genuinely satisfied with what life offers, and how to love with deep and unapologetic emotion. He continues to be a little ball of blonde sunshine and a bright light in this world.

Happy 7th birthday, little LBZ.

Wednesday, September 5, 2018

Happy Birthday Anna, you have (er, had?) Cervical Cancer

Yeah so, while I did get many wonderful things for my birthday today including musical theater show tickets, a rock that says #1 mom, a lovely necklace from my mom, a new floor mat for the kitchen, new running shoes and a beautiful sunrise this morning, I also got the results of a test that shows I have (er, had?) cervical cancer.

Many of you know that I have been dealing with abnormal pap tests for years. You might remember this post from April 2016 where I celebrated test results being benign. It is becoming clear now, however, that those results were not very thorough and probably missed something back then.

Feeling frustrated by my previous doctor’s laissez faire approach and lack of a plan, I switched to a female doctor thinking she might understand more personally what it’s like to have multiple abnormal paps, follow-up tests, clear results, more abnormal tests and repeat for years on end. She is extremely thorough, so when my first pap test with her came back as a high grade abnormality, she wasted no time in scheduling a colposcopy (where she looks closely at my cervix with a special scope) with a biopsy (where she took tissue samples to test for cancer).

Knowing that we did not intend to have any more children, with my blessing she took a very aggressive approach and took lots of samples for biopsy. Those results showed “endocervical adenocarcinoma in situ (at a minimum)”. Those are big words that say at the very least, there were pre-cancer cells on my cervix.

The treatment for endocervical adenocarcinoma is to surgically remove as much involved tissue as possible from the cervix, in hopes of negative margins. On 8/23 I had a procedure called a LEEP with Hysteroscopy and Dilation and Curettage in hopes of removing all of the involved tissue and to see exactly what was going on in my uterus. While I was asleep for the procedure she removed a huge chuck of my cervix for biopsy and she took a good long look at the tissue inside my uterus. This resulted in a pretty uncomfortable healing period with a full seven days of light duty and absolutely no running.

So I got the results yesterday and are what I expected, but with a few questions left unanswered.

“Histologic sections from the ectocervical tissue show prominent endocervical adenocarcinoma in situ.”
Translation: There’s lots of pre-cancer cells in the sample.

“Focally, there are areas exhibit confluent growth pattern, cribriforming architecture and adjacent desmoplastic reaction. These areas are qualified for a designation of microinvasive adenocarcinoma.”
Translation: There’s also some regular cancer in there, too.

“No lymphovascular space invasion is identified. The surgical resection margins are negative.”
Translation: The cancer is not in my lymph nodes, and the cancer cells are not to the edges of the sample, so the entire group of cancer cells was removed. (This is good news!)

So the way I understand it, it was a lot of pre-cancer, some regular cancer, and the doctor got all of it when she did the LEEP procedure. For reasons that are beyond my current knowledge base, I still have to go the next step to an oncologist to talk about a “simple” hysterectomy (the removal of my uterus and fallopian tubes, but not the ovaries, which control the hormones). This is why I wonder if I had cancer and she removed it, or if I have cancer and it still needs to be removed. This is unclear.

Apparently the fact that the cells were in part microinvasive adenocarcinoma (regular cancer and not pre-cancer) puts this case beyond my GYN and into a cancer-treating situation. I originally thought I had to wait three weeks to see the oncologist, but I was able to get in tomorrow! And there is a woman in the practice! Things are looking up, and there should be an end in sight.

Those of you who know me well know that I am a silver lining type. I can look on the bright side of pretty much any situation. I am not a victim of my circumstances. Things like this in life are happening for me, and not to me. There is something in this for me to learn. I already have learned so much.

Here are a few snippets:

Ladies, keep your GYN appointments. There are zero symptoms of cervical cancer until it is well beyond typical treatment. Don’t skip your appointment, and if you have an abnormal result don't freak out, but take it seriously.

If your doctor isn’t doing what you need him or her to do, switch doctors. There are many other options out there and if yours doesn’t do it for you, find someone who does.

I run 30 miles per week, am training for my second ultramarathon, take no medications, fill my body with healthy and whole foods, refrain from using chemicals on my body, use organic chemical-free feminine products, and take supplements to balance my health, and cancer still grew inside my body. I felt a lot of shame when this first came up for me. As though I had done something to cause this, or maybe hadn’t done enough to prevent it. That’s bullshit. It can happen to anyone and it is not my or anyone else’s fault.

I am so grateful that this is happening to me and not to one of the boys. I hear so many parents say as they watch their child suffer from illness that they wish they could take on what their child is going through. I am strong, I am healthy, and I can handle anything that comes at me. So I am glad that it is me and not them.

Lastly, things could always be worse. My cervical cancer is in stage 1A1. I do not need chemotherapy. I do not need radiation. I stayed on top of my own health and caught this early enough where worst case scenario is a hysterectomy. Others are not as lucky as me.

Photo Credit: Truth Potato

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

Winter is Coming

Besides my freshman year in college, I have always lived with a cat, until about 2 years ago when we lost our cat, Bill. Bill was not an easy cat to love. He bit the boys, hated everyone but me, had an inflammatory bowel disease that required a lot of cleaning up after and was simply very hard to care for. I said when he died that I never wanted another cat, and for a long time I believed that.

It was BBZ who first started asking for a cat. There is a book series called Warrior Cats that he and his friends love. He began asking while Delilah was still alive, and due to her health concerns I was worried that introducing a new animal to the house would not be in her best interest. Add in our kitchen remodel and there seemed to be one thing after another that kept us from bringing a cat into our home.

With the kitchen remodel done (material for a future post!) and a vacation in our sights, we put in an application for a 4-month old kitten but by Friday had not yet heard back from that shelter. We went to a different shelter without a commitment to bring anyone home, but we found the most beautiful and cuddly cat ever, who quickly became Mr. Winter Z.

He is a 2-year-old domestic short-hair with stark while fur and beautiful yellow eyes. We are all smitten with him! I think about him during the day and wonder what he’s up to, and snuggle with him at night, particularly after the boys are asleep. We brought him home that same day, and by that evening he was sitting on our laps and playing with toys. He is the perfect addition to our family, and we are so happy to have him!

It’s incredible to see the way the boys want to care for him. He can do no wrong! I am so glad that I did not let my bad experience with Bill keep me from welcoming another cat into our home. Winter’s story is that he lived with a family with three kids before they moved into an apartment that didn’t allow him to be there. We could tell that he came from a family, and I am so glad we are able to give that to him again. He is a pretty lucky cat, and we feel incredibly lucky to have found him! (funny side note is that his shelter name was lucky, but the boys really wanted to give him his own name.) Last night he discovered pouncing on LBZ’s feet under his comforter. So much cuteness!!

And as Game of Thrones fans, we’re super excited that we get to say “Winter is coming” every time he comes into the room!

Saturday, June 23, 2018

Delilah Jones Z 10/9/2004~6/14/2018

After just over a week, I am finally ready to write about my sweet Delilah-girl.

When she was a puppy, she was hit by a car. She required a surgery that removed part of her hip joint, with the plan that the scar tissue would create a false hip that would serve her well. With this also came the reality that she would likely have severe arthritis as she aged both from being a large breed dog and from her accident. I suppose we were somewhat prepared then for what her aging included.

Scrolling through Instagram yesterday I found a photo of her on the couch from April 1, 2018. It is probably safe to say that this may have been the last time she was actually on one of the couches. She had been falling a lot, and it was right before our spring break trip to Orlando that she actually had trouble walking. I remember being afraid to leave her with N’s parents since she was so unstable. They were more than happy to take her though so we could go on our trip. By the time we made it home, she was much better. Still falling, but not as often.

During May and June, N was the one who cared for her the most. She was unsteady walking, but seemed less stiff when she did walk, so he always took her and supported her for the walk. It was when he went out of town during the week of May 24th that I realized just how much he was doing for her. She was tilting her head and seemed extremely dizzy. I was concerned and took her to the vet expecting the worst.

The vet did a thorough neurological exam that came back normal. Then she did some x-rays to rule out cancer, which they did. I shared that I wasn’t sure what was typical aging for a dog since I had not had a senior dog before. The vet said with some hesitation “while I don’t think we are there yet, have you thought about end of life plans for her?”

I was taken back because I actually did think we were there. She was falling all the time, had to lean on walls to walk and was barely able to go outside to the bathroom. If the vet wasn’t able to give me a treatment plan, what was the plan?

I left the office feeling uneasy about the next steps. Delilah would barely walk at all for me, and I had to heavily encourage her to drink water. She stopped eating her food completely, so I gave her hotdogs and other table food. N came home the next day and we just couldn’t figure out what to do. While on a run, which really is when I do my best brainstorming, I realized the vet couldn’t get a great look in her left ear to rule out the ear infection. She said it was unlikely because her head would be tilting to the other side, but I knew we had some antibiotics so I gave it a shot and wow did it make a difference!

Something made a difference anyway. She could go with N on a walk again, so that was at least something. We were almost out of the pills, so I called the vet’s office on May 24th and told then what was going on. The vet again said the ear infection was unlikely, but if we wanted to treat it there was a better antibiotic that wanted us to use. Another trip to the vet later and we had more pills and more hope for the best.

Unfortunately that hope didn’t last long. She continued to get worse, barely able to go outside and to use the bathroom. She wouldn’t drink anything but chicken broth and even that I had to help her do. She was full of so much spirit and life. She wanted to be with us and wagged her tail like crazy when she saw us, but her poor little body was just done.

Once we decided that we needed to make plans for the end of her life, I made some calls. First to her vet to see about taking her there, next to a vet that a dear friend recommended who would come to the house so as not to disrupt Delilah’s day. We decided we wanted to have the vet come to the house, so I scheduled the visit for the upcoming Thursday, June 14. It was one of the hardest phone calls I’ve ever had to make.

Wednesday night we took her on one last walk in the wagon since she really couldn’t walk at all by then. She wagged her tail and seemed as happy as she could be considering. Thursday the boys went to camp (we gave them the option to stay home but they wanted to go to camp) and N and I took turns laying on the floor with her and petting her throughout the day. We joked that she probably wondered why the heck we were bothering her so much! She usually has the house to herself, after all.

When the vet got there she was very soft spoken and kind. She noted that Delilah didn’t get up to greet her, but banged her tail on the floor in excitement to see a visitor. John Denver was playing in the background and the vet noted what a nice send-off his music is. I sat on the floor and Delilah’s nose was pressed against my leg. She was calm and curious about what the vet was doing. The vet had to shave a bit of hair off of her leg, which Delilah was curious about, but didn’t make a fuss over. She nuzzled into my leg and with a lot of tears and beautiful music in the background, she took her last breaths while in my arms.

As much as I thought I was prepared to let her go, nothing could have prepared me for the loss I felt as I saw her body in the absence of her spirit. The reality that I would never see her again set in, as did the intense grief. I went through this with both of my cats in the last 10 years, but this somehow was different. Delilah was different. Delilah and I were different. And now she is gone.

Grief is such an interesting process. It is very personal, and for me it has been coming in waves. I could barely be at home for the first few days without breaking down, then once work started this past Monday I was busy and distracted. Then Wednesday I picked up her ashes from the crematory and the grief came pouring back. It comes down to the fact that I just miss her so much.

But even with as much as I miss her, I am ever so grateful that I was able to spend nearly her entire life with her. She was only 13 weeks old when she joined our family, and what a gift it was to share her life with her, and to hold her while she departed this earth. It was an honor and a privilege to care for her throughout her whole life, and particularly during these last few weeks when she relied on us in a way she never had before. She taught me what it means to love an animal, and what it feels like to be loved with no expectations for return. While we are in no rush to get another pet, being with her throughout her life and now experiencing the intense loss in her absence, I know we will have space in our hearts and in our home for another animal sometime soon.

Rest easy, sweet girl. I love you so.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Tandem Bike Riding and a Lesson on Accommodations

Last week I had the pleasure of completing a visit to an agency I see at work which include a program where tandem bikers take off on their bi-monthly bike ride to a nearby park. The agency provides services to people who are blind or visually impaired. They have lots of adapted bikes where a person with sight sits in the front, and the person with the visual impairment sits in the back. It's a pretty awesome thing to see. N has been traveling a lot for his job, so I am often solo parenting a few days a week. Lucky for me I was able to bring the boys along to see the tandem riders.

I just love when I am able to show my boys how people with disabilities can do the same things as everyone else, just sometimes a little differently. On our way there we were talking about what to expect, and LBZ, who is 6, asked me whether or not people who are blind can work. We spent the rest of the ride there talking about job accommodations, supported employment, etc.

Yesterday at the dinner table, my mom (yes we had dinner on a random Monday!) told a story that a woman at Lowe's who helped them had a visual impairment, and she utilized a headphone set that read the words on the screen to her. BBZ, who is 9, looked at me and said "hey mom, that would be one of those...what are they called again?" "Accommodations." "Yes, that's it! That is an accommodation that helps her be able to do her job!"

So we were not only able to watch these folks with a variety of needs ride on the back of bicycles built for 2, but my boys became a bit more aware of what people with disabilities are able to do, with a simple accommodation.

Thursday, April 26, 2018

Exciting News About My Parents!

From the time I was 9 months old until I was in college, my parents lived in the same house in the suburbs. They moved to another suburb in 1998, and in 2003 they moved to about 5 hours away. In 2006, my dad's job moved them to the far north, about 13 hours away, where they have lived since.

So it has been about 15 years since I lived in the same city as my parents. I don't know what it's like to have dinner with them on a random Sunday, or to have support of family nearby as our young sons grow. Well, that's about to change!

My dad is retiring and they are moving back to my city! It is a very exciting time for us. They will close on the house on May 11th, so only about 2 weeks away!

The college where my dad works threw a little retirement celebration for him earlier this week, and the news picked up the story. This wasn't the first time my dad was in the news. He also dad got attention when he wore head to toe pink to raise awareness of breast cancer.

You might notice in the video that my dad wears a button that says "Please excuse my intrusion". The story goes that when he worked at the Missouri Institute of Mental Health in the 90s, email was brand new. His boss at the time was quite aggravated with this new concept of email, and described it as an intrusion to his day. As a result, my dad begins nearly all of his emails in this way.

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Running My First Ultra - Double Chubb 50k

"It's everything you ever want
It's everything you ever need
And it's here right in front of you
This is where you wanna be..."

Photo Credit: Mile 90 Photography

In December of 2017 I signed up for my very first 50k. Shortly before this, I was chatting with a running friend who I trust about my hesitation to run an ultra marathon. With complete candor he said "you haven't run a 50k yet? You need to just do it and get it over with."

This echoed in my mind from the time he said it until I finally decided to bite the bullet and sign up. My hesitation seems so interesting to me now that I completed the race. The race was tough, don't get me wrong, but as another trusted friend texted me the night before the race, I was "more than ready".

The week leading up to the race was an extremely stressful time for me. N is traveling every other week, and BBZ is having trouble at school determining what it means to stand up for himself physically and what it means to fight. This is a big topic for my deep feeling boy, and one that relies heavily on his dad's guidance. I'm doing my best, but N's absence is certainly felt.

While the week was challenging, it was also a great way for me to find strength in myself to be able to deal with things at home on my own. This was great strength to find before one of the biggest challenges of my athletic life.

N wanted to support me any way he could, and even considered bringing the boys to the race along with me and staying all day. I decided not to have the added distraction of trying to get them out the door with me or worrying about them being entertained the whole time. I took off from home on my own and was ridiculously nervous the whole way there. My hands were even trembling!

I was dealing with some serious self-doubt. I wondered if I could really do this. This was bigger than anything I've done, am I capable? Am I ready? Will my body respond to what I demand of it? Would my GI issues interfere? Every negative scenario crossed my mind. Until I stepped out of my car.

The minute I parked and my feet hit the ground, I realized something...I have logged miles and miles on these trails. This is where I belong. I know trail running, I love trail running, and trail running feels like my second home. The nerves passed and the strength I think I always knew I had overtook any self doubt.

It was a beautiful surprise to see my sister-in-law (SIL) and brother-in-law (BIL) at the start line! They came out to support me and stayed the whole day, even through the rain. They surprised me at the aid station at the tracks and even drove me home since my legs weren't working well and my hands were kind of frozen. Their support meant so much to me.

I chatted with them a bit and visited with some other running friends. Trail running is a small world, so I finally got to meet some ladies who I heard of through mutual friends but hadn't had a chance to run with yet. The RD gave us the go at 7:30am and we were off!

The race takes off up a steep road and an even steeper trail for the first mile or so. I knew I started off too fast but I wanted to get in front of the crowd as much as I could so we wouldn't get bogged down at the single track. I'm happy to move over to be passed, but I didn't want to have to go around people, which is always a bigger challenge for me.

I settled into a nice pace and really enjoyed the trail! My goal was to get to the 7.5 mile turnaround at 1.5 hours, so I settled into a good pace and stayed on track. When I got to the flats I still felt strong, but definitely slowed down because of the mud. It was tough slipping around, but the high of being exactly where I was hadn't worn off. I was enjoying every single mile.

I got to the turnaround at 1:20:00ish and decided I probably came out of the gate too fast and needed to back off a little if I wanted to finish strong. My only goal in this first ultra was to finish. I had a loose time goal of  3:00:00 for the first loop and 6:30:00ish finish because I needed to give N a time to be there with the boys, but finishing at all was my only goal, no matter how long it took.

Photo Credit: Mile 90 Photography

I finished the first loop at right around 3:00:00 and was welcomed at the start/finish aid station by N and the boys and my SIL and BIL. It was so incredible to see them! My BIL asked how I was doing and I said I kind of wished I was done, but I was ready to go out for the next loop. It was true, part of me wanted to be done, but a bigger part of me knew I was capable of more than one loop. I grabbed some food and off I went!

The night before the race I set a playlist of only about 6-7 "power songs" to play if I needed the big push. Some were from the movie The Greatest Showman. The whole movie is about trusting yourself and being aware of what we are all capable and worthy of in this world. I turned the playlist on and listened to it off and on throughout the whole second loop. 

At one point, all was so perfect on the trail I felt as though I was floating along the single track. I felt strong, and powerful, and as though everything was just as it should be. In this exact moment, these lyrics played in my ear:

"It's everything you ever want
It's everything you ever need
And it's here right in front of you
This is where you wanna be..."

I was almost brought to tears. This is it. I am here. This is what I'm here for. What I have spent countless hours training my body and mind for. All three of my boys are here with me, waiting to celebrate this with me. It was one of the most beautiful times in my athletic life.

There were moments that weren't so pretty, but even in those moments where I needed to walk when I would have rather been running, I wouldn't call them lows. I truly felt a huge sense of gratitude throughout the entire run for just being able to be there. A very dear friend of mine has a disability that causes him to live in nearly constant pain. The strength he has to muster to simply breathe in and out each day is difficult to comprehend. I spent this race channeling his strength, and relishing in the fact that I have the legs to carry me, and the strength to be able to do this race, and I refuse to take it for granted.

 Photo Credit: Mile 90 Photography

I loved talking with runners on the trail who either passed me from behind or runners who were ahead of me and heading back to the finish line. I loved sharing the love with fellow trail runners. I fed off of their energy and I hope they did the same with mine.

As I closed in to the end of the run, I was again overcome with incredible emotion. It hit me, that I was really going to finish this thing. It was really happening!!

I came around the bend of the road to hit the last awful climb they stick in at the end, and my whole little family was there. My boys were covered in mud and splashing in the creek near the road. N and my BIL and SIL were clapping and cheering and I could feel how proud they were.

I climbed that last awful hill and circled around the loop and saw the finish line. The last little hill was super slick and I had just run nearly 30 miles and I was not going to fall in the last .10 mile mark! As usual on the downhills, my arms went out like an airplane, which should totally be my trail name!

Photo Credit: Mile 90 Photography

I crossed the finish line with a huge smile on my face and pride in my heart. I did it.

 Photo Credit: Mile 90 Photography

Two little boys, always watching :) 
Photo Credit: Mile 90 Photography

This was the 20-year anniversary of the Double Chubb, put on by the St. Louis Ultra Runners Group (SLUGs). I ran the 25k distance in 2016 and knew this was typically a well run event, and this year was no different. The aid stations were well stocked, the volunteers were kind and generous, and the vibe was a positive representation of this incredible community of which I am now a full part. They even got a personalized beer made for the occasion from one of my favorite breweries, 4 Hands Brewery, called Single Track.

Friends reached out from all corners of my life to congratulate me on this finish. Well versed ultra runners reached out to see how I was recovering. I am one lucky lady to have the opportunity to be a part of this community. And tonight my boys took me out for a huge dinner to celebrate. And now, to plan for the next goal!

Official stats:
50k (31 miles)
1st loop: 3:01:30
2nd loop: 3:38:23
Pace 12:54/mile
33rd of 55
4th female of 13
Age Group 2nd of 8 (1-39 years)