Friday, February 26, 2016

Time to breathe.

My last day at my job was Tuesday.  My team put together an amazing going away celebration for me complete with flowers, balloons, cards and kind words.  I stood at the door to my office and looked in, remembering the way it felt when that door opened for me.  I was excited, and it is what I thought success looked like.  It was what I thought would be perfect for my family, as my boys played next door in their preschool.  When I pulled the door closed behind me on Tuesday, I took a breath, and exhaled, and felt the next door opening just as this one closed.

Today is the third of 3 days off I planned to take between jobs.  So for the last 3 days, I have had no work obligations, and besides my own projects I hoped to get done, no expectations.  The days weren't as uneventful as I hoped they would be, but some very big things came back to my mind.  Things I hadn't thought about for a long, long time.

When the boys were small, particularly right after LBZ was born, I often felt this unbelievable separation from my life, because of the level of happiness I experienced.  I would sometimes feel like there is no way my life could really be mine.  There's no way these 2 boys are mine, and that N and I really created this amazing little life we have.  It was a feeling of surreal, and unfathomable happiness in this life we are leading.

Lately I've been moving too fast.  I was constantly checking my emails, was filled with thoughts about work and the job, was feeling pulled to stay connected via electronics, and lost sight of what it's like to just simply be with my family.  They were there the whole time, but the surreal experience of really breathing them in and appreciating how wonderful this life is had fallen away for a while, and it came surging back in the last 3 days.

I read a book a couple of weeks ago, and was able to go see the movie yesterday.  I saw it alone!  It was awesome.  I can't remember the last time I saw a movie by myself.  I cried through nearly the entire thing, without a consideration for what others thought.  They were all crying too, anyway.

The book and movie had a story line that included an interesting and unconventional relationship between a mother and her son.  In it, they speak about how the son came to be, that he was waiting in heaven to be born, ,then he came down from heaven and was born and they have been together since.  This reminded me of something else I hadn't thought about in a long while.

In the past I have felt like my boys have always been with me.  As though they were always a part of my soul, long before they were ever born.  It's as though they were waiting somewhere for me to be ready for them, and once they entered my life, we were all complete long with their daddy, who had also been waiting for their existence.  It is something I hadn't thought about in a while, but came crashing in on me as I watched this movie play out on the screen.

I have had time to breathe over the last 3 days.  I have had time to know and accept that no job is worth the energy I was expending, especially while trying to be present for my husband and our sons.  I feel connected with them on a level I haven't felt in a long time, and I am so happy to be in this place.

I know my new job will come with demands, and I also know that they will pale in comparison to the ones I just experienced.  I will miss some of the tasks I was doing, especially the leadership and team supervision and management, but I think I will find opportunities to use the skills related to those tasks without the responsibility that accompanies a job that requires them.