The first letter to my unborn son

Dear Little Brother Z,

Just 2 days ago, we found out that you are, in fact, a little boy.  I knew you were there, growing and sharing little flutters of life inside my body.  But I don't think I appreciated how REAL you are until I saw you yawn on the ultrasound screen.

No longer were you an idea in my mind.  You are alive.  Your kicks have a purpose, one that I choose to believe is your way of telling me hello.  You are growing and developing and will soon bless our house with so many newborn things that we have forgotten.

I went through your brother's (I love saying that!) newborn clothes and got many things out of the basement for you.  We also got some wonderful hand-me-downs from friends who no longer needed their baby things.  We are still months away from meeting you, but your presence here in our house is already making a noticeable difference.

As I sit here, quietly feeling your gentle movements, I am taken away to my daydreams of you and your brother playing in our backyard.  To watching you crawl around our new home.  To seeing you stumble as you learn to walk in the grass out back.  To seeing BBZ teach you how to throw rocks into the pond.  BBZ is going to make a wonderful big brother!  Thank you for making his wish to become one come true.

So now we just wait.  We wait for you to grow strong and to come into this world and complete our family.  We love you so much, little man, and can't wait to have you here in our arms.

Keep growing baby boy!

Love,
Mommy

"Your name is Junior, and I've been lovin' you since before the day you were born. I love you more and more and more." ~WSP

The appointment today confirmed it....

It's a BOY!!!!!!!

Although I am a little surprised as I swore at the beginning it was a girl, I am so unbelievable excited about being the mama to 2 little boys!

The appointment went really well and BBZ did pretty well during the visit.  Where we were was a teaching school, so one of the women was a student.  I didn't mind being a human subject for her at first, but as we approached the 2-hour mark and with BBZ running on empty, I was really ready to be done!

But seeing the little man on the screen was unbelievable.  We looked at a lot of body parts before we saw the ones we were kind of looking for, and I didn't mind.  At one point my mom took BBZ out to the hallway for a little walk and our littlest boy had our full attention.  Then, plain as day, he yawned!  It was a huge open mouthed baby yawn that we saw clear as could be.  It was so awesome.

So my mind is already running around ideas such as bunk beds and camp outs in our backyard.  With brotherly love and fights and getting into trouble.  With being ok with buying a few expensive boy things knowing that this little guy can use them too.  The reasons I thought this was a girl are quickly floating into the past as I imagine my littlest boy entering our lives.  I am so happy.

Here are some photos of our sweet babe's first real photo shoot!

So the yawn below probably looks a little creepy, but it was an amazingly beautiful sight to see his little mouth open so wide and close just as quickly, the way new little yawners do.



2 little boys!!!  What joy!

Dreams and Nostalgia

Two nights ago it was a girl.

Last week it was twins.

2 or so weeks ago it was a girl with a ruby red eye brow piercing.

Last night, it was a boy.  And it was the best dream I have had yet.

I don't remember much before being in labor, and it was a strange labor.  I know it was unmedicated, but I was calm, cool and collected and not afraid at all.  Perhaps that was the best part of the dream.  I was laboring, and then suddenly the baby was just here.  My mom was there, N wasn't which is the opposite of how the real thing will be, and I was a little confused and asked if my doctor had been there at all.  It was almost as though I fell asleep during what would have been the most difficult part of labor.  My mom assured me that my doctor had, in fact, been there and guessed that I just forgot that part of the labor.

So my mom handed him to me and he was this sweet little bundle wrapped up like a burrito.

I don't really remember much after that.  I did end up back in the building where I did my graduate work, but the building was different.  And for some reason there were bread loaves all over the place.  It was that delicious bread from Macaroni Grill that you tear off and dip in oil and spices.  And I picked up one of the loaves and decided to keep it.  Typing that just made me hungry :)

Dreams are weird.

My mom came in town yesterday and I am so happy she is here again!  She brought with her the dress and bonnet that my dad bought for me from Saks 5th Ave that I wore home from the hospital a few days after I was born.  If this baby is a girl, I hope is to have her wear the same dress and bonnet when we bring her home.  And it will be from the same hospital.  And if this baby is 5 days late, it will be within days I when I came home, 32 years earlier.  That's pretty cool.

I love this kind of thing.  I wanted terribly to wear my mother's wedding dress when I got married, but it was too small.  I'm a petite girl, but my mom weight like 96 pounds when she got married, so that wasn't happening.  I did wear the same necklace she did and walked down the aisle to the same song, it was this one:

Do you watch American Idol?  I tried to forgo it this season and didn't watch any episodes until the top 24.  I recorded it and thought I would give it a chance and it is the best season yet!  I cannot believe how talented these young people are.  I think I like them so much because many of them are musicians, not just pretty people who have nice voices.  I heart Casey Abrams :)

As off-topic as that may sound, I do have a point.  David Cook from a few years ago did his rendition on that show.  And I loved it.  Many people didn't, but that song has a special place in my heart.  Here it is, if you feel inclined to listen.

Just call me Mrs. Nostalgic.

48 Hours

In 48 hours, I will know if this baby is healthy, and if it is a boy or a girl!

It's hard to believe that this day is here.  Peeing on the pink stick feels like it was just days ago, but thinking about how sick I felt makes me happy that it went by so quickly.

I feel much better about this being a healthy baby.  I'm no longer worried that something might be wrong and am just excited to get a little peek at our sweet second baby.

My dreams have been all over the place!  Last week I dreamt that it is twins, one boy and one girl.  I really don't think it is twins, but perhaps this was my mind's way of explaining why I can't tell which it is!

My gut still says girl, and twice this week I dreamt it is a girl.  But then yesterday I slipped and called the baby he twice!  I called BBZ "he" all the time before we found out.  Either way, I am so ready to stop calling this baby "it" and to start really thinking about names.  N and I both prefer to wait until we know boy vs. girl to talk too much about names since it pretty much takes half of them off the table.

So Friday is the big day!  BBZ, N and my mom will all be there and I just can't wait!  And we're all taking the day off work to play and celebrate together.  I can't think of a better way to celebrate our new growing family.

I'll be sure to make the announcement on Friday!

Two and a half

On my way home the other day I was thinking.  I was thinking about these yearly photo books that I make for BBZ and wondered if I will take enough photos of the new baby to give he/she their own photo book.  So many people say that there are always fewer photos of the second, third and so on children in a family.  Then I started to wonder the last time I took photos of BBZ.  It wasn't that long ago, but I doubt that this much time went by without photos when BBZ was a baby.

Then I was reminded why.  Babies don't move much and smile alot.  My 2.5 year old on the other hand?  He moves very quickly and smiles a lot, but usually int he opposite way of the camera.

Oh well, here is my attempt at a two and a half year photo shoot!

So as you can see, I didn't really nail a great photo.  But I did get his measurements!  Look at how big he is!  And not only that, but he has grown 2.5 inches in 6 months!!!  That is crazy to me.  Do kids really grow this fast.  Wow, I hadn't really realized it when I was marking this chart, but now that we have so many marks, we can really see just how big he is!

Oh my sweet BBZ.  You are such a wonderful little boy.  You are 2 and people always ask if we are in the midst of the terrible 2s.  I generally just smile and take the opportunity to brag about what a good boy you are.  Sure, you have your moments, but you have never had a throw-yourself-on-the-floor tantrum. (knock on wood).

You have a cheery disposition and always love to play and to cuddle with me or your daddy.  You still wake at night occasionally, but it seems to be getting better.  You still ask for me most of the time, but I see you and your daddy getting closer every day.

You are a home body and love to hang out around the house.  You have a new love of pickles, that goes well with your mama's new pregnancy.  Just this morning when I dropped you off at school, you said you wanted to give the baby a kiss and kissed my belly.  You are so excited to be a big brother.

Your love of firetrucks is still in full swing, although you are branching out to police men and cops and robbers.  I ask if you are ready to give your bed back to the new baby, and you say "well the baby's not here yet!"  You stutter pretty often, but most people we've asked about it say that it is developmental.  You're so smart that your little mouth can't keep up with how fast your brain is moving!

You are working on potty training, although you don't seem to care too much about it and refuse to sit on the potty at school.  At home you will try to keep underwear dry and show how proud you are of yourself when you do go on the potty.  You say that you are afraid to poop on the potty and haven't yet, but I'm sure you will when you are ready.

Our days are full of happiness because of you.  You make your daddy and I giggle with so many of the things that come out of your mouth.  You are such a joy to be around, and we couldn't love you more.

I am so proud of you, BBZ.

Love,

Mommy

What just a few weeks can do.

It really is amazing how much can change in just a few weeks.  This baby has been moving around like crazy, and I'm lovin' every minute of it.

There was about 2 days when I didn't feel anything, and I started to worry.  But it picked up again and I fell him/her every single day.  And with each kick comes a bit more love and connection.

I saw my doctor last week for my 16 week appointment and shared some of my feelings.  He's a man, so I certainly didn't get the loving approach I perhaps naively expected, but he did normalize my feelings, which was nice.

When I shared that I was worried something was wrong, but not really worried, he offered the genetic screening that is offered at 16 weeks.  I really was not interested in this screening.  I didn't have it done with BBZ, and I didn't want it now.  I asked if what they find in the screening would also show on the ultrasound and he said yes, for the most part.

As I left the office I began to wonder...what am I worried about.  I spoke to a friend this week who happens to have a disability about this.  She was born with her disability, and I can honestly say that I am not concerned about having a child with a disability.  If anything, my husband and I would probably be incredible parents to a child with any need.  So I really had to think about this.  What am I worried about?  I think I am afraid that there will be something fatally wrong with the baby.  That we will hear news that the baby won't survive, or something.

I'm not really obsessing over this though.  I actually feel much more at ease than I did even a few days ago.  What will be, will be I keep telling myself.  I started worrying about daycare and the cost and how we would swing it and really stressing myself out, but today, I feel at peace.  How wonderful it is, what a few weeks can do.

N and I are going to a concert tonight.  My mom has been in town (which is indescribably fantastic) and she is staying home with our little man.  When I was pregnant with BBZ, we kept all of the tickets to the concerts we went to and framed them for him.  There were quite a few, as we are avid concert goers.  We are trying to do the same for this little one, but the shows are fewer and farther between.

We saw 2 shows around New Years, then this one tonight, then we have another one planned for April.  We're thinking of going to Memphis in May, but we haven't officially decided yet.  Once summer comes, hopefully we will see many pop up around down that are outside, so we can bring our music-loving BBZ along with us.  It's fun to know that our children were enjoying music with us before they were even born!

Only 2 more weeks until we find out if this is a Baby Girl Z or a Little Brother Z!!!!  I cannot wait.  For weeks I swore this is a girl, then about 3 weeks ago, I started thinking boy, big time.  Then the night before last I had a dream that the baby is a girl.  She had blond hair and bright blue eyes, just like N.  She also had tiny little ruby red earrings.  She also had her eye brow pierced, which is weird, but weird dreams are just part of my life these days.

We'll find out in a couple more weeks!

St. Patty's Day Parade

Since my last post was pretty heavy, some great pictures are certainly in order.  So as promised, here are some pictures from one of the only beautiful days here in the St.L as of late.  I hear it's going to be pretty nice on Thursday, but the snow today put a damper on my spring feelings.

We started out just outside a bar where some of our friends were hanging out.  It quickly became clear to me that BBZ wasn't going to be in the safest surroundings where we were standing.  We walked a ways and found this nice open grassy area where we could sit and have some room for him to run around.

And you know we had to have front row seats to the firetrucks.

There were tons of little spiders all over the sidewalk where we were sitting.  Something such as this 3 years ago would have my skin crawling, but life with a 2-year-old boy can change things like how one reacts to nearby creepy crawlies.

We have a bit of a shy one on our hands.  He is really funny when he is in unfamiliar territory.  Something will worry him and he will hide, just like this!  I love how you can see his little eyes peering out.

Overall it was a fantastic day!!!