Catching up

Wednesday
Home with BBZ because we are always home on Wednesdays.  Our refridgerator stops working. We put everything in a big tub on the back porch since it is 30 degrees outside. Our freezer contents go into our new deep freeze.  BBZ had diarrhea all week from the antibiotics he was on from the most recent ear infection.  He wakes up with liquid poo pouring out of his diaper and goes directly into the bathtub.  He had terrible liquid poo all day, which was worse than it had been the days before.  I stop giving him the antibiotic and try to deal with the poo situation.  I call his school to see if other kids have symptoms and sure enough, 4-5 others do.  I am reminded how much I do NOT love daycare. (No, this is NOT Not Me! Monday) Around 11pm I get my first up close and person taste of what BBZ has been dealing with.  I am up every hour or so all night Wednesday night.

Thursday
I am sick.  BBZ is sick.  I am thankful that I am not vomiting because I don't know how I would take care of him and deal with that at the same time.  The man comes and fixes the furnace.  I take a nap when BBZ does and feel even worse when I wake up.  BBZ is starting to feel better, but still spraying liquid poo.  I spike a fever around 2pm and text N begging him to come home.  N comes home around 3pm and I take another few naps while he entertains BBZ.  I wonder how BBZ has any energy at all if he feels at all as bad as I do.  I didn't eat anything all day besides a few spoonfuls of soup that N so sweetly made for me.

Friday
BBZ has his first solid poop in days in the morning.  Sure he is over the worst of it I send him to school and stay home.  I have to miss a seminar that I was really looking forward to that addresses how to use conflict as a creative tool.  I emailed the lady and asked her to mail me the materials.  I weigh myself and see I have lost 6 pounds since Wednesday.  I take my first shower since Wednesday.  I feel better as the day goes on and pick BBZ up around 4pm.  I'm sleepy and dehydrated, but my tummy is all better.  We watch The Hurt Locker, which is a fantastic military movie.  I was sure I wouldn't like it, but I was wrong.  I don't think I have mentioned that we watch a lot of movies around here.  N hates commercials, so we never watch shows that aren't on HBO or Showtime, but we have a Netflix subscription and watch lots and lots of movies.  If you are at all into military movies, or even if you aren't (like me) rent this movie.  You won't be disappointed.  The man came and diagnosed the refridgerator.  It will be fixed on Monday.

Saturday
N's Birthday!  We have an amazing day!  We all woke up feeling well rested and healthy.  We go to N's favorite breakfast place.  I have pancakes and sausage.  BBZ eats half an orange, some strawberries and a banana before we leave the house.  At the restaurant he eats yogurt wth berries, bacon and sausage.  We get home and he naps.  When he wakes up he eats 2 pieces of turkey, more strawberries, some green beans and some apples.  We walk up to an ice carnival in our neighborhood and have a blast!  Here are some pics.

One of the many ice sculptures...I think this was my favorite one.

We're all bundled up!

Another sculpture

Getting ready to go down the ice slide!

Weeeeeeee!

Again, again, again!!!

Weeeeeee!!!

This is what happens when it's too cold and mom amd dad say it's time to go.

Then with big, puffy crying eyes, we see the rest of the carnival.  A man on stilts, a mime, and lots and lots of people on our neighborhood streets.

We pick up subway and take it home for lunch.  BBZ eats all of the apple slices, all of my tomatoes and some of my cucumbers.  I begin to wonder if he lost weight over the last few days too and is making up for it.  He eats crackers and goldfish while watching a video.  We pack things up and head to Nikki's house to celebrate N's birthday with some friends.  BBZ stays up until 10pm and practically begs us to take him home.  He crashes in the car before we get out of Nikki's neighborhood.

Sunday

BBZ wakes up around 5am with a barking cough that sounds like it hurts.  I nurse him back to sleep and he sleeps until 8:30am, as do the rest of us.  N wakes up last and gets us breakfast from Panera.  I go to Old Navy after I get an email that says everything on clearance is an additional 50% off.  I buy 2 shirts, a dress, a pair of pants and a sweater for $15 with my $10 bucks back.  I love great deals!  I go grocery shopping and buy canned food and some fruits and veggies that can stay out of the fridge until it gets fixed tomorrow.  I take advantage of an empty fridge and clean every nook and cranny.  I try to understand how dog hair can get into the fridge.  Gross.  I am finally able to start getting the house in order after being outforthecount for the last few days.  I am seriously grateful for this 3-day weekend we have.  I give BBZ a bath with vapor rub soap and his cough seems better.  I give him kisses goodnight and hope he sleeps well tonight.  N pops open a bottle of wine and we watch the Golden Globes.  We hope the people win who we bet on earlier today.

I hope we haven't missed too much by being under the weather this week!

Waaaay Back When-sday! Hair phases.

Most of my life I have had long hair.  My mom had it cut when I was about 6, but otherwise all of my school photos look the same.  Until my junior year in high school when my friend, Laura, cut my hair for me.  I cut it again in college and kept it short almost the whole time I was in college.  My college friends often comment on how long my hair is since they knew me during the only 4 years of my life that it was short.  I decided to grow it out again when I graduated and in 2003 got a TERRIBLE haircut when I went to one of those cheap places for a trim.  I swore off hair places and it grew like crazy.  I think I was very attached to my hair.  I thought the length said something about me and I had to have it long.  The longest it has ever been was at my wedding and honeymoon.  This was on our honeymoon...

My eyes look that tired because I got a terrible sinus infection the day we left for our 10-day road trip.  Luckily I managed to get a prescription called in before our flight left.

So anyway, I kept my hair long like this for a while, but knew I was getting close to chopping it all off.  I still felt a bit defined by my long hair and wanted to rid myself of this false security I had with it.  I was nervous about ending up with something I hated, so when I found a hair dresser that I loved it was worth the 30 minute drive to have her cut it.  (I still go to her and the drive is now 45 minutes!  She's worth every minute.)  I went to her for a while and finally in July of 2007, I came home from the haircut place like this...

12 inches off!  I was super excited for my new look and couldn't believe I actually went through with it.  Ever since then I have been torn between growing it out and chopping it off.  It's like I love the idea of long hair, but it's so fun to leave the salon looking totally different than you did when you walked in.  My hair is growing like crazy and digging up that first picture makes me lean more towards letting it keep growing.  Then again, life with a toddler makes it difficult to leave the house without my long hair in a pony tail!

Not Me! Monday...Shameless Bragging

I am not going to spend this entire post shamelessly bragging about all the great things that have been happening.  It is not going to give me a largely needed break from talking about ear infections and tubes and doctors and diaper rashes and all of the other nonsense that life has handed us lately.

I did not spend this morning advocating for a participant who was going to have his benefits reduced to the point that he wouldn't be able to live in his current situation.  After a victorious meeting with the SSA, his sister did not place her hand on my shoulder and offer me a blessing for everything I have done for her family.  I did not feel her gratefulness to my core.  It did not bring tears to my eyes then, and again now, to know that I have made that big of an impact on the lives of their family.

I did not then go and visit a man who 2 months ago was so full of anger and hatred that I took his case on after he was so rude and hateful so someone I supervise.  He did not tell me today that he has been happier than he has been in years since Thanksgiving (when we started working together).  While I know this is not all of my doing, I like to think I played a part in his new found happiness.  Challenges definitely do not bring the biggest successes.

While brushing BBZ's teeth last night, he did not point to the second "A" on my Obama shirt and start to sing the ABC song that his daddy taught him earlier that day.  I am not now convinced that he is the smartest, most intelligent little genious on the planet.  I am not at all biased!

BBZ did not sleep ALL NIGHT LONG last night for the first time in weeks.  I did not panic just a little when I woke up at 5am and he hadn't woken me up.  I am not now completely convinced that he has been feeling really crappy the last few weeks.  This did not further solidify my reasoning for nursing him every time he wakes up and throwing my desire to control this out the window.  It's just funny how things just work themselves out.

I definitely did not introduce BBZ to TV via the Baby Einstein videos.  He is not now obsessed with watching "dvd"s.  I am not the mom who said my child would never watch tv only to succumb to the pressure of him saying "dvd" over and over and over.  He has not learned how to say what the cow, the owl, the dog and the duck say from watching these videos.  That has not now become my reasoning for allwoing him to watch them.  That and the fact that he makes the counting noises when he sees the parts where we count!  Little cutie pie!

Need to admit some imperfections?  Or, like me, want to shamelessly brag on yourself and your kiddos?  Jump on the Not Me! Monday caravan, you will not be disappointed!  Head on over to MckMama's blog and see what she and the other moms have not been up to this week.

A bit of my family history

A few years ago, when visiting with my grandparents, my grandather told us the address of the home where he grew up.  It is less than a mile from our house so we took a nice walk to the house and took some photos.  This is the house...

We knocked on the door and hoped to go inside, but there was no one home and while there was a car in the garage, the home appeared to be either vacant or being renovated.  It was hard to tell.  We were so excited by the photos that we rushed them to my grandpa and showed them off.  He then told us that it was actually his father who built the house.  His father worked at a factory that used to be at the corner of our street, where our very favorite Mexican restaurant is now.  The house is huge, and very beautiful.

I think I have mentioned that we have been thinking of moving.  We love our neighborhood and when we do move will likely stay nearby.  The neighborhood where my grandpa grew up is the ideal place for us, but the homes are quite expensive.  Nevertheless, I often peruse realtor.com in hopes that one or two houses will be in our price range.  We're still a while away from moving, but looking is fun too.  So when I saw that my grandpa's old house was for sale, I couldn't help but call to find out more!  The price is a bit over our range, but we knew we could take on some extra expense if it meant getting the house back into the family.  I called the selling realtor and learned that the house is in pretty bad shape and would need a complete remodel.  That definitely puts it out of our price range.  I told him about our history in the house and said that I was excited to know that the house was going to be redone, whether it was by us or not.  It was fun thinking about moving into this partcular house, although I kind of knew it was unrealistic.  I mostly just wanted to see the inside and take some pictures.  I really wanted one of BBZ near something that my grandpa would recognize.  Perhaps something that shows the originality of the house.  This is the one N took.

I can't wait for my grandpa to see it!  I know he is going to be thrilled!  I assume this is the original stair case...I hope so anyway.  The house really was a mess.  There is an elderly woman living there who has not taken care of it.  Her family has been trying to get her to move for some time.  The realtor did say that there were a couple of people looking at buying the house with the intention of redoing it.  He gave us his card and hopes to connect us with the buyers so that we can at least see the house when it is complete.  What a gift this has been to walk through the home where my great greandfather lived.  And how wonderful it is to have this photo, and for BBZ to know one day that his great, great grandfather built that staircase he holds.  Oh how I love this history!

Truthful Tuesdays: Both a Loser and a Winner

It's time again for Elizabeth's Tuesday tradition to tell it like it is.  Today she asks, Have You Ever Lost Something and Came Out a Winner?  This one is easy for me.

What I have lost:
The desire to get drunk.
The ability to sleep in.
The ability to wear a dress.
The ability to wear a bra that doesn't snap down.
The ability to leave the house with only my purse in my hand.
The ability to go to concerts on a week night.
The ability to work after hours.
My 40-hour work week
The ability to go to a restaurant without wondering if they have high chairs.
The desire and ability to keep my house clean.
At times, my patience.
Part of my identity.

What I have won:
The love of another man.
The knowledge of what it feels like to have a person growing inside me.
The satisfaction of sustaining a life with only my body for 9 months, then 6 months more.
Two big brown eyes to look at me every morning.
Two little arms that give me hugs.
Two lips that give sweet, slobbery kisses.
Another reason to love my husband and what he has given me.
The knowledge that my family will live on into the future.
Free family-friendly events on the weekends.
A day off in the middle of the week.
An endless positive outllook on the future.
A new identity.
This little boy loving me so much.

I have lost a lot of what my old life had.  I sometimes miss the way things used to be.  In ways I was much different, but I have always been me.  Life certainly has changed, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Yeah, I definitely think I came out ahead.

Not Me! Monday.

I have not skipped Not Me! Monday for the last 2 weeks out of pure laziness. I realize how therapeutic it is and would never skip an opportunity to admit all of my imperfections. This post is not stock-full of stuff to make up for it either!

I did not decide to stay up until midnight NYE only to fall asleep at 11:45pm. I know myself way too well and know I would never make it until midnight, so I knew not to even try. BBZ did not keep me up from 1:45am-2:45am after my only 2 hours of sleep. N was not snoring so loudly from the wine and beer he drank without me that I had to kick him out of the bed...on NYE. That's just mean and I would never let him voluntarily leave the bedroom to go downstairs to sleep on the sofa. I always forgo my own comfort and ask him to stay in the comfy bed while I go to sleep on the couch.

Oh, and BBZ did not wake me up at 6:30am either. This was not the first NYE since middle school that I wasn't up at midnight. I am not old. At all.

While perusing eBay for cloth diapers, I did not buy different ones than the ones we use because they were a deal I couldn't pass up with only 3 minutes left! I would never use cloth diaper shopping as a hobby and spend more money on something that I already have plenty of, which is supposed to save money. I did not get 8 diapers for $33! That is not about $4.12 each. I do not love these new diapers so much that I bought more! I am not justifying this by saying that the new ones are one size that we will be able to use from day 1 with the next baby too! (as opposed to the g's which are sized) I never go out of my way to justify my purchases to myself and everyone else. Ever.

I am not a little, tiny, eensy, weensy bit ready to be back at work after 2 weeks off. I am also not now fully convinced that I could never be a stay at home mom. This was not a huge surprise. Actually it wasn't a surprise, but I'm not sure how to write that on NMM. I have read where others get confused sometimes and I know I certainly do!

Our downstairs toilet did not freeze like it always does in single-digit temperatures. N and I did not buy a fancy pipe warmer thingy that didn't even work. We never waste money on things when we have old faithful ways of dealing with issues (using my hairdryer has worked every year since we moved in, I'm sure it will work again this year). The water line to my diaper sprayer is also not frozen. I have not spent too much time wiping poop off of diapers with toilet paper than I'd care to admit. Can I just get a NMN post without referencing poop, please!?

Welcome back! This blog carnival was started by MckMama, head on over to her blog and read what she and the other moms have not been doing this week.

"Worry 'bout My Worries" -WSP

Happy New Year! I'm not one for new year's resolutions. Kind of like I'm not for diets. They don't make sense...it's like you are doing something life-changing because you think you have to, rather than just doing something because you want to change your life. I'm pretty satisfied with things the way they are, but I can't help but think about the upcoming year, reflect on things from the previous one, and do some forward thinking of how things can improve. There is always room for growth, right?

So I have been writing this blog in my head for weeks, apparently waiting for the right time to type it out. As many of you who know me know (and those who don't who read my "about me" section) I am a hopeless worrier. I borrowed the title of this post from my favorite band (ranked closely up there with The Allman Bros and GD) Widespread Panic, who wrote the song Worry. Check this out for the rest of the lyrics. I worry. A lot. I really wonder where it came from. I think it could be genetic...when I was visiting my family in the far north, I had a conversation with my nephew about skateboarding. We passed a skate shop in a local mall and I asked him if he ever skateboarded. He proceeded to tell me that he heard about this kid once who skateboarded and broke his neck and never walked again. I told him that falling and paralysis are certainly a risk of skateboarding, but there are many kids who skateboard everyday who probably fall and get right back up and keep going. I guess the risk is too much for him, because he is not interested. This got me thinking though, I think about things exactly like he does. I think of the absolute worst possible scenario and convince myself that it is exactly what will happen and proceed accordingly. This has helped me in some ways...perhaps this is the cross I bear. For example, this fear has kept me from trying certain drugs because I had convinced myself that I would OD on my first try. It keeps me at caution and may have saved me more than I even realize, but then again, it has crutched me too.

I worried about a lot before I had a baby. After he came into my life, worry was taken to a whole new level. If I could wrap him in bubble wrap and never let him out of my sight I would, but what I have learned is even that wouldn't necessarily prevent bad things from happening. I worried a lot about a lot, and then something very bad happened to him that I didn't even know I should be worrying about. I read something somewhere (which I think was someone's blog but I don't remember who and if I did I would give appropriate linkage. I promise.) about someone else's struggle with worrying. She stated that she felt she was somehow controlling the situation by worrying about it. Kind of like how I constantly worry about getting into a car accident might somehow allow me to control the fact that it will never happen. Well that's just silly. I know I can't control everything...no matter how hard I try. But this person hit the nail on the head for me, I really do think my controlling nature is driving this worry in me. On one hand it makes me pay extra attention when I am driving, but on the other hand leaves me with irrational fears that I have to reason with myself about. Some of the things I think might happen are just plain funny. Seriously. Sometimes I wish there was a camera in my head when I picture the linen closet set-up falling on top of BBZ or the knife somehow flying out of my hand between the counter and the sink and stabbing Delilah or BBZ fatally. That's just a couple of examples. my head is full of this nonsense. An I actually picture it happening! I have to remind myself of this when I think it might be intuition. My intuition is so clouded I don't know what to trust!

So I think my worrying cannot change. It is a part of me and of who I am and it's not going anywhere, besides...I think in some ways it is positive for me. I am, however, going to try and relax about things. I cannot control everything, nor do I want to. What a responsibility that would be! I want to enjoy my days and be able to let go of this need to shape everything. I guess maybe that's a new year's resolution. But I never set them, so who knows.

Another thing I am going to do is change my handle name to my real name. I never really meant to be anonymous...I just liked the way Anrazel sounded. But I love my name, it's the one my parents gave me that I share with my great grandmother, who I met only once when I was very little after my father snuck me in to visit her in a hospital or a nursing home. Wherever it was I was not allowed, and as my parents left the nurses came up to them and said something along the lines of..."just so you know, we know what you did". My parents are such rebels!

So on this new year, I am thinking ahead to things to come and reflecting on the first full year of my life as a mama. I am happy as can be, fabulously flawed, and ready to take on another year. Happy New Year! Or as BBZ would say "Aple-ba", which I realize sounds nothing like happy new year, but I know what he means :)