Friday, January 1, 2010

"Worry 'bout My Worries" -WSP

Happy New Year! I'm not one for new year's resolutions. Kind of like I'm not for diets. They don't make's like you are doing something life-changing because you think you have to, rather than just doing something because you want to change your life. I'm pretty satisfied with things the way they are, but I can't help but think about the upcoming year, reflect on things from the previous one, and do some forward thinking of how things can improve. There is always room for growth, right?

So I have been writing this blog in my head for weeks, apparently waiting for the right time to type it out. As many of you who know me know (and those who don't who read my "about me" section) I am a hopeless worrier. I borrowed the title of this post from my favorite band (ranked closely up there with The Allman Bros and GD) Widespread Panic, who wrote the song Worry. Check this out for the rest of the lyrics. I worry. A lot. I really wonder where it came from. I think it could be genetic...when I was visiting my family in the far north, I had a conversation with my nephew about skateboarding. We passed a skate shop in a local mall and I asked him if he ever skateboarded. He proceeded to tell me that he heard about this kid once who skateboarded and broke his neck and never walked again. I told him that falling and paralysis are certainly a risk of skateboarding, but there are many kids who skateboard everyday who probably fall and get right back up and keep going. I guess the risk is too much for him, because he is not interested. This got me thinking though, I think about things exactly like he does. I think of the absolute worst possible scenario and convince myself that it is exactly what will happen and proceed accordingly. This has helped me in some ways...perhaps this is the cross I bear. For example, this fear has kept me from trying certain drugs because I had convinced myself that I would OD on my first try. It keeps me at caution and may have saved me more than I even realize, but then again, it has crutched me too.

I worried about a lot before I had a baby. After he came into my life, worry was taken to a whole new level. If I could wrap him in bubble wrap and never let him out of my sight I would, but what I have learned is even that wouldn't necessarily prevent bad things from happening. I worried a lot about a lot, and then something very bad happened to him that I didn't even know I should be worrying about. I read something somewhere (which I think was someone's blog but I don't remember who and if I did I would give appropriate linkage. I promise.) about someone else's struggle with worrying. She stated that she felt she was somehow controlling the situation by worrying about it. Kind of like how I constantly worry about getting into a car accident might somehow allow me to control the fact that it will never happen. Well that's just silly. I know I can't control matter how hard I try. But this person hit the nail on the head for me, I really do think my controlling nature is driving this worry in me. On one hand it makes me pay extra attention when I am driving, but on the other hand leaves me with irrational fears that I have to reason with myself about. Some of the things I think might happen are just plain funny. Seriously. Sometimes I wish there was a camera in my head when I picture the linen closet set-up falling on top of BBZ or the knife somehow flying out of my hand between the counter and the sink and stabbing Delilah or BBZ fatally. That's just a couple of examples. my head is full of this nonsense. An I actually picture it happening! I have to remind myself of this when I think it might be intuition. My intuition is so clouded I don't know what to trust!

So I think my worrying cannot change. It is a part of me and of who I am and it's not going anywhere, besides...I think in some ways it is positive for me. I am, however, going to try and relax about things. I cannot control everything, nor do I want to. What a responsibility that would be! I want to enjoy my days and be able to let go of this need to shape everything. I guess maybe that's a new year's resolution. But I never set them, so who knows.

Another thing I am going to do is change my handle name to my real name. I never really meant to be anonymous...I just liked the way Anrazel sounded. But I love my name, it's the one my parents gave me that I share with my great grandmother, who I met only once when I was very little after my father snuck me in to visit her in a hospital or a nursing home. Wherever it was I was not allowed, and as my parents left the nurses came up to them and said something along the lines of..."just so you know, we know what you did". My parents are such rebels!

So on this new year, I am thinking ahead to things to come and reflecting on the first full year of my life as a mama. I am happy as can be, fabulously flawed, and ready to take on another year. Happy New Year! Or as BBZ would say "Aple-ba", which I realize sounds nothing like happy new year, but I know what he means :)