This blog doesn't have very good flow and is definately more like free association of my thoughts, but I have lot of things that I really need to get out of my head. Well, just as I knew BBZ would eventually enter the world, I knew I would eventually have to go back to work, and that day is almost here. I'm trying not to think about it, but I admit that thoughts of how he and I will both adjust are consuming me.
I never thought of myself as being a stay-at-home mom. I really, really love my job and have worked hard to get where I am. I underestimated how hard this would be. I still don't like the idea of staying home...I notice that I don't have as many things to talk about in mixed company as I did when I was working, and N and I keep our money separate, so I have been relying on his income for the second 6-weeks of my maternity leave, which my independence is hating! We planned ahead for it, but I like having my own money and spending my own way.
So I said I love my job, well I love my son too. I know many women work and have a family, but I can't help but feel that since I brought him into the world, shouldn't I be the one responsible for him? Should I really pay someone else to do something I am perfectly capable of doing myself? That being said, I am ridiculously bored at home. BBZ is bored too. We go for walks or to the mall (since it's gotten cold) just because he gets so stir crazy. I think he will love daycare and really have so many of his social needs met that I can't do at home. At least I hope so.
I am so torn about this. I also plan to continue to breastfeed, at least until BBZ is 1, maybe longer if we both want to. I have been feeding him on demand since he came home, which means he doesn't have a feeding schedule. It is pretty much every 1-2 hours when awake and every 3 hours at night, besides a 6-hour initial sleep time. Basically, if he acts like he wants to eat I feed him, regardless of the time and when he last ate. This obviously cannot continue when I am gone for 8 hours. How will he cope? Will he need a bottle every hour? Will he even take a bottle? Will he cry the whole time? I know that answers to these questions all come down to the fact that he will adjust eventually and he will be fine. But I can't help but feel like I will be denying him the comfort of breastfeeding so I can be at work. Even though I will continue to breastfeed in the evenings and on weekends.
One thing that makes this even worse is that N and I could afford for me to not work. We live below our means and have only good debt (our house, student loans, and N's car). We do have things we hope to do one day like buy our forever house in a nice neighborhood in U City and have money to give BBZ all that he needs, which we wouldn't be able to do if I don't go back. Basically we could afford it if I wanted to, but I'm not convinced that I do. I've thought about returning part-time, which is something I will continue to consider as I return and see how things go.
The best part of this is that my mom will be here on Saturday to watch BBZ here at home for the first 2 weeks I have to go back. Then I have 2 weeks off for Christmas, and BBZ starts daycare after the new year. So I will have my mom here at home helping BBZ with all the adjustment issues that worry me rather than some stranger. That certainly gives me comfort. I know she will be able to help him figure things out and maybe get on some feeding schedule that will work while he is at daycare. So I have the answers to all of the concerns and I feel like I have the best situation to ease my way into working again...but I am still sad about not spending all day with my little boy anymore.
BBZ just started sleeping in his crib on Friday night. Before that he slept in a bassinet in our bedroom. I knew he would be fine in the crib, but I wasn't ready for him to be that far away from me. It was definately more my issue than his, because he is doing great in the crib. It hasn't upset his sleeping pattern at all. Hopefully my return to work will effect him the same way - not at all. It actually felt sort of good to see him be independent and happy in his own room. After all, at work I am an Independent Living Specialist and help people live independently for a living, it makes sense that I would find the same satisfaction helping my son be independent as I find with the people I work with. Hopefully I will find that same satisfaction when I leave him next week and next year at daycare. I hope, I hope, I hope...
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Two months old already!What a cutie pie! He loves seeing the world as I do while in his sling.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
So I was planning on posting a blog or a bulletin or something to get the advice from my mommy friends on how to make BBZ's bathtime experience a happy one. But I am happy to report that I think I have solved the problem! His first bath was pretty bad, but I expected it to be. He cried almost the whole time and I nervously tried to finish as fast as I possibly could to get it over with. I really hoped that he would begin to enjoy bathtime, but his last one 2 nights ago was by far the worst yet. After his first bath I made some changes. I moved his bathtime to the sink in the kitchen so I could have better control over his slippery little body, I kept a large dry washcloth nearby to cover him up as I lifted him from the sink to the towel, I hold his neck the entire time so he doesn't feel like he is going to fall, and still his screaming continued. This is a special scream too, that he reserves just for this apparently traumatic experience. So Saturday night N was at a work thing and I decided to try another bath. I talked sweetly to him the whole time, babbling about how much fun bathing is, and he surprisingly didn't cry at all...until I took him out. And he cried real tears and screamed in ways I didn't know he could. I frantically tried to get lotion on him and get him dressed as fast as I could and swept him over to the couch and nursed him to help comfort him. It was then that I noticed how cold his hands were, and I thought, that's it! He's freezing! It isn't the bath he hates, it's afterwards when he gets so cold. I was already covering him with a cloth and putting him immediately into a towel, but the time it took for me to do the lotion and get his PJs on was just too long. So I came up with a plan. We have a small space heater upstairs, so I brought it downstairs and made a little pallat on the floor with a super soft blanket, his PJs, and turned on the space heater before he got in the tub so it would be nice and warm when we were done. And it worked! He cried for about 4 seconds when I carried him from the kitchen into the dining room in his towel, but as soon as we hit that warm little pallat he was in heaven. It seemed hot to me, but he sure loved it! One of the very best things about mommyhood is learning what BBZ likes. I think of these times as challlenges, and try to use my creativity to find out what willl work best for him. Now I just hope it works next time too!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Proudly I admit it, I gained 45 pounds while pregnant with BBZ. Throughout the whole pregnancy I ate healthy, walked almost everyday, and made a conscious effort to only gain what he needed me to. I did eat ice cream and candy, but I never felt that I was over doing it. I even tracked my food to make sure I was eating the right things for the miracle growing inside me. I feel ok with what I gained and am proud to say that I have lost 35 of those 45 pounds and am confident that in time I will be able to fit into all of my old jeans, not just the few pairs that must have been a little bigger that the ones I can't quite get into. So today I went to my old work and visited a very good friend and saw all the people I used to work with. I haven't seen many of them since my wedding or shortly after. Most of them were quite friendly and happy to see me and meet BBZ, but as I was walking through the hallways, 2 people at different occasions felt the need to mention that I have put on weight since I left there. They pretty much told me I got fat after leaving that site. They apparently didn't notice the 6 week old baby that I had with me, or consider that to mention to anyone that they have put on weight, let alone someone who just had a baby, is just plain rude. How does a person think it is ok to tell anyone they have put on weight? I guarantee you that 1. if a person has put on weight, they already know, you don't have to point it out, and 2. a person who has a baby puts on weight, that's what happens during those 9 months while the little person is growing in there. It takes 9 months to put it on and is taking me longer that 6 weeks to lose it... In comparison, I went to my current employer last week to visit and introduce BBZ, and many of the people there told me how great I looked. Even if they were lying, it made me feel good, which is why they said it. This just proves to me one of the reasons why I left that place. I realize how important it is to surround myself with positive people who make me feel good about myself. As much as I want to let it roll off my shoulders and move on, it really bothered me that they said it. Here I am feeling great about my progress, just to have the 10 pounds I'm still carrying be pointed out to me. I hope to turn their incredible rudeness into modivation to work off these last 10 pounds. Jerks.