Friday, September 24, 2010

"Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts." ~Arnold Bennett

Man, my resistance to change sure has been in full force this week!  BBZ's last day at his school is today.  I think I have probably mentioned that he was moving schools, and now it is a reality.  When we moved we decided that we wanted him to change schools so he could be with kids he will likely be in real school with eventually.  We also love this facility, which is a huge community center that has a pool and every single sports program imaginable.  As well as theater and arts and all of that stuff.  It's a truely amazing place, so a natural choice for us.  I'll be honest though, I have a bad feeling.

But I have to wonder, is it a bad feeling or just a resistance to change?  BBZ cried when I dropped him off for a visit last week.  They had to take him out of my arms and I walked away knowing he was red-faced and teary.  That is the worst feeling I have ever had.  A few other things happened that make me fear that this is not a good move for him, but I am unsure where the rest of it is coming from.  Everyone says trust your gut, but is it really my gut or just my fear of change?

I have done nothing but think about this for the last few days and I keep changing what I think.  Part of me thinks that I knew it would be hard so it's a self-fullfilling prophecy.  The teachers have not been as welcoming or accomodating to me as a new mom of this school as I expected them to be, but maybe that's because we have been in daycare for almost 2 years now and they expect me to know the drill.  I should be a pro at leaving my child in someone else's care, but these are still strangers.  I have nothing but all of the bad things about this situation piling up around me and am dying for a positive glimpse of hope.

A friend of mine whose son is BBZ's friend at his old school commented on a facebook post today that asked if we were going to become members of the community center to be able to use their pool in the winter.  Then it dawned on me that I haven't even toured the facility yet.  I think I may have made up my mind that this place was not going to be ok before I really gave it a chance.  That's not to say that some of the things that happened on our visits last week were not of concern, but I was thinking I had to decide at or after that visit to take him out and keep him where he is.  The truth is, while I love the school where he is, it just doesn't meet our needs at our new house and what we want for BBZ in the next few years.

I need to give this new place a chance.  To embrace this change.  If it doesn't work out, at least we may learn what we don't want in a daycare in the process.  I think what it boils down to is that I hate being away from him.  I hate it.  While I always say I could not be a stay-at-home mom, I certainly could spend at least a few days each week at home with him.  40+ hours away from my child is just too much.  And I have some things in the works so it doesn't have to be this way forever.  I just hope that the crying when I drop him off doesn't last too long.  I don't know how much of that I can take.

So as we head into yet another unknown I think I am ready.  I am petrified, but I am ready.  I have always felt an intense amount of fullfillment when I look something fearful in the face and face it.  No matter what I always learn something about myself and what I am capable of.  And while I will miss our routine terribly while adjusting to the new one, I really think change is good for us.  Hopefully it will teach BBZ to roll with the punches better than his mama does :)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Dear Baby Boy Z,

Two years ago today, you were born into this world and into my arms.  Never did I imagine how much love I could have in my heart for you.  The first year of your life is a blur that I didn't think could go any faster, but now two of your years have passed, and I can hardly believe it.

I know it's obvious that I love you, I am your mama and that kind of goes without saying.  But what is interesting is how much I really like you!  You are so much fun to be around!  You love to snuggle on the couch with me, you tell me you love me all the time and do sweet things like kiss my arms and hold my hand.  You can show all of this love and affection and then go play in the mud or wrestle with your daddy and be all boy.  Your gentle heart shines through when one of your friends is hurting and you love on your puppy all the time...even though she bit you this weekend.

You have always been confident and secure, so your recent separation anxiety that you show when I drop you off at your new school is frightening.  I know you are fine when I leave, but to hear you cry and to be unable to console you is terrifying to me.  My wish is that I would never have to be away from you.  That you and your daddy and me could be on vacation all the time doing nothing but celebrating life and our little family.  Your daddy and I work hard so we can have those wonderful times together, even if they are just the weekends and occasional vacations.

You are obsessed with juice boxes!  I try to get you to drink juice in a cup but you insist.  Pretty soon we will run out of those juice boxes and you will have no choice!  You still eat most of your vegetables, but your favorite are edemame, sugar snap peas and corn.  When asked what you will eat for dinner the answer is ALWAYS ketchup and fries, which you really only have on occasion.  You love watermelon (like your mama), chicken, yogurt, apples, oranges and bunny crackers.  You can count to 13 and know every one of your colors.  Even aange, which makes me and my friend Cass giggle.  You are amazing at completing puzzles and can match shapes without pictures.  You know all of your animals and what sounds they make.  Your favorite shows are Wonder Pets, Curious George and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  I don't think you realize that shows are only on at certain times since we are spoiled with the DVR that records all of your favorite shows!  You still hate to have your diaper changed, love taking a bath (once you're in there) and would do anything to play outside for the rest of your life.  You love anything creepy and crawly and play for hours in the mud looking for "babies" aka worms.  Your favorite inside toys are choo-choo trains and sticker books followed closely by dinosaurs that you have a very interesting name for (that sounds something like "dina-tonka").

One thing I love most about you is your love of music.  You love to sing and we love to hear your sweet voice make it's way around the words.  Here is a sample.

video

Every single day I enjoy being your mama, even on the hard ones.  You bring a light into my life that will never burn out.  My dream for you is that you will find your way in this world and have fun doing it.  That you will not feel compressed by the rules you will continue to learn and will reach as high as you can to be the person you are meant to be.  I love you to the moon and back.

Love,
Mommy

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Waaay back When-sday! The Dentist

When I was 7 years old, my parents took me to an orthodontist to be fitted for a retainer that would be attached to my mouth.  The kind that I wouldn't have to take in and out.  I'm not exactly sure how this would work, but that is what I understand the goal was.  I had always been afraid of the dentist and on this day I forgot to bring my favorite stuffed animal (which I still have by the way) so my mom ran back to our house to get it.  While she was gone, the dental assistant was fitting me for the ring that wrapped around the tooth.  It was much too tight, so as she pulled the ring off it popped off, out of her hand and onto the back of my tongue.  This caused some sort of reflex and I took a deep breath in and down my throat the ring went.  I started coughing and jumped up out of the chair and couldn't catch my breath.  At one point I was coughing up blood.

I remember this all so vividly.  After a few minutes I stopped coughing and calmed down.  My mom returned at some point and it was determined that she needed to take me to the hospital.  I sort of remember the drive there, but I especially remember being behind the curtain on the hospital bed and desperately trying not to have to get an IV.  I remember being so upset about it and then starting to cough and felt the ring move.  They did an x-ray and saw that the ring was in my esophagus and determined that I had to have surgery.  The plan was to go down my throat with a tube-like vacuum and slowly suck the ring and pull it out.  This was the only option that did not include cutting my throat open.

So the procedure was a success.  The doctor pulled the ring out without having to cut me at all.  I remember waking up and coming out of the anesthesia.  The first words out of my mouth were "is it out?"

Needless to say, I have been petrified of the dentist for most of my life.  In 2007, after nearly or even over 10 years I can't really be sure, I decided that I really needed to go to the dentist.  I started to worry about the health of my mouth and since I had quit smoking, I thought that going to get my teeth cleaned would feel like a great triumph.  I went and had no cavities!  And the dentist thought that my teeth looked great!  I was so afraid of what would happen, and I was pleasantly surprised.  Fast forward 3 years (last week) and I'm at my 6 month cleaning.  I hear the worst words I have heard in years...

"You have a cavity"

Yikes!  What?  My teeth are magically perfect regardless of my 10+ years of neglect.  I can't have a cavity!  And then it hit me.  I have to get a filling!  Ahhh!  This was very scary stuff for me.  I started to freak out.  When I scheduled the appointment I thought (or hoped) that the hygienist wanted to schedule it for October, perhaps to let myself warm up to the idea.  No way, she meant September 8th.

So I completely disassociated myself with the fact that I would be returning to the other side of the dentist building and enjoyed my birthday weekend.  Last night I woke up and fought off my desire to google "cavity fillings" and tossed and turned.  I went into the office sweaty palmed and nervous.  I kept telling myself that I survived many of these when I was younger, so this would be easy.  Plus since I didn't feel any pain, I figured it wasn't a terrible cavity.

The dentist was awesome.  He told me it was a small cavity and that it wouldn't take long and my teeth look great and so on.  He was extremely professional and the whole process was over before I knew it.  What a relief!  I was petrified of something and faced my fears.  I am so grateful that I didn't have a cavity on that first visit and I kept going back.  I'm so glad that my dentist is awesome and calming.  When it was all said and done I said to him, "well that was painless" and he said "that's the way it should be".  That is so true.

So maybe I'll consider getting my wisdom teeth taken out next.  Baby steps friends, baby steps.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Photos from the Turtle Playground and the Zoo

I didn't have time last night to post pictures from the weekend, so here are a few.  I only had my camera out on Friday, so the rest of the weekend's excitement has to remain in my memory.

We were up so high!


Our attempt at a pose...he's quick!


Mmmmmuah!


At the Zoo, this monkey ran full-force right at the glass where BBZ was standing and started yelling at him!


It kind of scared both of us!


It was such a fun start to the weekend!


I had to throw this one in there just for fun.  This is BBZ enjoying a peach for breakfast while N and I ate donuts.  What kind of kid would choose a peach over a donut???  The one that makes this face, I guess!

Monday, September 6, 2010

The blog where I talk about the best and most fun-filled weekend of all time.

IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY YESTERDAY!!!

I don't usually make a big deal about my birthday, but N certainly does.  I took a half day on Friday because BBZ's school was closed and N was home with him.  I walked in the house and was presented with a table full of birthday presents.  My birthday wasn't until Sunday!  We don't really follow the gift-giving rules aorund here.  It's hard for us to wait until real holidays to give presents, so birthdays usually do come a few days early.  He and BBZ bought me a can opener, a tile that BBZ painted, a photo collage frame for the hallway, and a beautiful dress from Ann Taylor Loft.  The lady at Ann Taylor convinced N to buy me a petite because he told her that I was her size, so the dress he wanted to buy me he couldn't get because it didn't come in petite.  I tried on the one he bought and it wasn't quite right since I prefer regular size dresses.  So we ventured out to Ann T and I tried on the dress N wanted to buy me and loved it!  So returned the other one and got the one he planned to buy anyway.

Then we headed to the Zoo!  They were open late for some music and evening fun so weheaded there and took advantage of the small crowd.  The highway was backed up everytime we drove by the rest of the weekend so I think we made the best choice to go on Friday.  We parked across the highway from the Zoo and walked through the turtle playground, which is basically just a park with huge concrete turtles to play and climb on.  BBZ loved it!  While we were climbing we walked over a hill and I saw a young woman with her baby girl, who was about 3-4 months old.  I could tell by the way she was holding her that she was about to feed her.  I looked at the stroller that was nearby and didn't see a bottle.  I saw her fidget a little and keep looking around.  I could tell that she needed to nurse her baby, and flashed back to this moment, when I was so worried about nursing at a park during a festival.  That feeling of knowing my baby needed to eat, not wanting to feed her in my car, feeling like I was alone and then suddenly having someone around and worrying about nursing in public.  I walked by this young woman and said "isn't it a beautiful day to nurse outside?"  She said, "I was going to go in my car, but it's so pretty out here".  I told her that it is too nice and too natural to hide nursing her baby in a car.  We walked around some more and when we walked back by she was sitting quietly nursing her child.  She fit more in to the park we were in than the concrete turtles for which it was named.  I hope that her experience was much like mine was when I sat on that bench and felt liberated.  Empowered.  Perfectly comfortable nursing my child in public.

So the Zoo was wonderful and BBZ had a blast.  We woke up early on Saturday and started the next phase of our wonderful weekend.  We had breakfast and headed downtown to the Botanical Gardens for the Japanese Festival.  The weather was better than perfect and there were so many fun things for all of us to do!  There's a pond with HUGE Koi fish that BBZ had fun feeding.  There is a children's garden with a tree house and musical instruments and a place for a puppet show and a slide and lots of other things that little boys love.  We also ate some sushi and edemame while sitting in a rose garden.  It was a lovely day.  Then we headed home and laid the little one down for a nap.  When he woke up ready to go, we went to our friend's house for a BBQ.  They had some old friends over and it was nice to chat with new friends and old ones.

On Sunday, N and BBZ and I stayed in bed watching TV and enjoying each other's company.  N went and bought donuts and we all had a nice relaxing breakfast.  We had a big day ahead!  After an early nap for the little man, we hopped on a metro train and headed downtown for the Blues Fest.  For some reason, N and I cannot understand that a little boy is probably not interested in sitting on a blanket and listening to blues music.  We each took turns walking down to the river to throw rocks and see horses and helicopters.  Who wouldn't rather do that than listen to blues music anyway?

Considering how cranky BBZ was, he did remarkably well.  He hasn't been sleeping that great and after a trip to the doctor last week that resulted no ear infection and likely teething.  He also took a nasty fall at our friend's BBQ that made his mouth bleed.  Once we were on the train he and N were laughing and playing and I actually got a good look in there.  All 4 of his molars are trying to hard to push through and they are red and swollen.  I also saw that it was his tongue that was bleeding the night before.  So just to push our luck, we took our teething little boy back onto the metro train and stopped off at the Greek festival.  We had some delicious greek food and headed home for a relaxing Sunday evening.

Today we cleaned our house from top to bottom to get ready for N's family and some friends to come by.  N made some delicious BBQ and we ate and visited and watched the kids play.  BBZ only slept 30 minutes today, so he was exhausted by the time bedtime came around.  He loved singing happy birthday to me and helping me blow out the candles and opening my presents.  I guess it is good practice for his birthday, which is just about 2 weeks away!  Weekends this great make it nearly impossible to feel good about going back to work tomorrow :( 

Happy Monday!