Friday, September 24, 2010

"Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts." ~Arnold Bennett

Man, my resistance to change sure has been in full force this week!  BBZ's last day at his school is today.  I think I have probably mentioned that he was moving schools, and now it is a reality.  When we moved we decided that we wanted him to change schools so he could be with kids he will likely be in real school with eventually.  We also love this facility, which is a huge community center that has a pool and every single sports program imaginable.  As well as theater and arts and all of that stuff.  It's a truely amazing place, so a natural choice for us.  I'll be honest though, I have a bad feeling.

But I have to wonder, is it a bad feeling or just a resistance to change?  BBZ cried when I dropped him off for a visit last week.  They had to take him out of my arms and I walked away knowing he was red-faced and teary.  That is the worst feeling I have ever had.  A few other things happened that make me fear that this is not a good move for him, but I am unsure where the rest of it is coming from.  Everyone says trust your gut, but is it really my gut or just my fear of change?

I have done nothing but think about this for the last few days and I keep changing what I think.  Part of me thinks that I knew it would be hard so it's a self-fullfilling prophecy.  The teachers have not been as welcoming or accomodating to me as a new mom of this school as I expected them to be, but maybe that's because we have been in daycare for almost 2 years now and they expect me to know the drill.  I should be a pro at leaving my child in someone else's care, but these are still strangers.  I have nothing but all of the bad things about this situation piling up around me and am dying for a positive glimpse of hope.

A friend of mine whose son is BBZ's friend at his old school commented on a facebook post today that asked if we were going to become members of the community center to be able to use their pool in the winter.  Then it dawned on me that I haven't even toured the facility yet.  I think I may have made up my mind that this place was not going to be ok before I really gave it a chance.  That's not to say that some of the things that happened on our visits last week were not of concern, but I was thinking I had to decide at or after that visit to take him out and keep him where he is.  The truth is, while I love the school where he is, it just doesn't meet our needs at our new house and what we want for BBZ in the next few years.

I need to give this new place a chance.  To embrace this change.  If it doesn't work out, at least we may learn what we don't want in a daycare in the process.  I think what it boils down to is that I hate being away from him.  I hate it.  While I always say I could not be a stay-at-home mom, I certainly could spend at least a few days each week at home with him.  40+ hours away from my child is just too much.  And I have some things in the works so it doesn't have to be this way forever.  I just hope that the crying when I drop him off doesn't last too long.  I don't know how much of that I can take.

So as we head into yet another unknown I think I am ready.  I am petrified, but I am ready.  I have always felt an intense amount of fullfillment when I look something fearful in the face and face it.  No matter what I always learn something about myself and what I am capable of.  And while I will miss our routine terribly while adjusting to the new one, I really think change is good for us.  Hopefully it will teach BBZ to roll with the punches better than his mama does :)