It’s been 10 days since I toed the start line for my 3rd attempt to finish the LOViT 100-mile foot race. I’ve been debating whether to even write this out, since every time I begin to write it in my mind it always sounds like I’m making excuses for not finishing. That’s right, for the third time I failed to finish this race. I could list all of the reasons out but in reality, my whole race was a shit show from the start, and the short story is that I quit. I made it 72 miles but if I’m honest I quit long before that.
I’ve chatted with my closest people about this and have taken some time to process the extreme disappointment, both in the race and in myself, and have made peace with this race and am ready to put it behind me.
We sign up for these races to finish for sure, but the hope is that is not all we gain from these experiences. If we sign up to finish and we don’t, and we wallow in our sadness and despair swearing off these big races forever, what good becomes of that? I went to a pretty dark place this week, darker than the last few times this happened. I sign up for these races to learn about who I am deep down inside. Nothing strips away the facade of a seemingly perfect life than facing the reality that comes along with staring down a distance that’s just out of reach.
Perhaps the journey comes with all the things we need to
learn whether we finish or not. How often do we hold a mirror up to ourselves
and truly try to understand why we do the things we do and explore what it
really is that is standing in the way of us meeting our goals. 100 mile races
hold that mirror right up in my face and say, see that? That’s you stripped
down. You think you’re strong? Take a look at the parts that hide under that
strong exterior. Take a long hard look.
So instead of listing the reasons I didn’t finish I’m going
to list the things I learned during this race.
- One
can simply have a really bad race day.
- I can
outrun blister pain.
- The
bad news is that no one is coming to save me. The good news is that I can
learn how to save myself.
- Caffeine
is a magic pill for me.
- I need
to learn how my body processes salt, electrolytes and fuel while
racing.
- My
friends will always show up for me. Always.
- Nate
loves me, even when I feel the most unlovable. My phone died at the race
and when I stopped at 72 my friend handed me my charged phone and I saw a
text from him that simply said “I love you ❤️” He didn’t know I had
stopped so in that moment where I felt physically and mentally defeated, I
felt loved. And whether I finish a race or not he will always see me as
lovable.
- I have
accomplished things in this life that are more impactful than finishing
100 miles will ever be.
- And finally, while I may not ever finish a 100-mile race, I will certainly never finish a race that I am too afraid to start.
