Tuesday, April 21, 2009

What a strange day.

I found it difficult to work today as visions of Stellan undergoing heart surgery filled my mind, which then made way for visions of BBZ and how I would feel if it were him going through such tremendous health issues. I have looked at BBZ's pictures all day, being ever so grateful that he is healthy, but I have also felt very sad. I am sad that I have to leave him everyday. Why is today so much harder? I think it's more than what's going on with Stellan since I have been wondering this for a while, but I think that is stirring it up for me. It's amazing how much you can empathize with someone you have never met when it has to do with their child. It's so easy to imagine it's my child. I have felt a lot of jealousy and envy lately (completely out of he norm for me) toward moms who work part time. I don't think I want to work part time, I think I am happy at my job, I think I am OK leaving BBZ at daycare... So why am I so envious of these women?

I have this underlying feeling that something has to change. I cannot keep on this way. What if it were him who was sick? What if this time I have with him is so precious and I am wasting it spending 5 days a week at work? But I want to work. I really do enjoy my job. Where is this all coming from? Why was I fine for 3 whole months and now I am struggling with working and daycare? I guess it's my attention to Stellan that is stirring this up, or maybe it's because there are woman at work who have chosen to go to part time since having their babies. That was something I considered when I first came back, but I was happy to be back full-time. I feel like being a brat and saying, it's just not fair! But I don't even know that I want what they have. I guess maybe I want more time. Maybe an 8 day work week. 5 days of work and 3 days with my baby. Can we squeeze in one more day in the week? Will that really throw off the calendar that much? I wonder who I would talk to about that...hmm.

Whatever is going on, I have this feeling that something has got to change, but what? I've taken on a new project at work, maybe this will be enough of a change to make a difference...I guess we'll see. To add to all of this, I have been sick for about 2 weeks now. You have seen my schedule, I don't have time to be sick! No seriously, I really don't have time. I tried to schedule an appointment with my regular doc last week and we couldn't find a day and time that I could squeeze in (to my schedule). So I went to the Walgreen's clinic last Wednesday. The nurse practitioner was great, but she put me on Amoxicillin, which to date has not worked AT ALL! I left work early yesterday just to have some time to sit on the couch before picking up BBZ, and I have been on antibiotics for a week! I called my regular doc yesterday and am seeing him this afternoon. Hopefully it won't be a waste of money. I'd hate for him to tell me to wait out the 10 days on Amoxicillin before doing anything else. Who knows. Hopefully I will have some relief!

Umm, as soon as I finished typing that sentence, my phone rang and it was BBZ's teacher telling me he has something going on with his eye and I had to pick him up. Yes, I was blogging at work, but I promise it was the very first time (OK except for the earlier blog, but that really was the first time, and look how short it was!) I have never blogged at work 1. because I am too busy, and 2. I really think it's wrong to waste work time that way. But the way I have been feeling about working and being a mom and being torn about where to go from here, I HAD to get it out of my head, because I couldn't concentrate on work anyway. So anyway, I cancelled my doctor's appointment and took BBZ to his. They can't tell if it is pink eye because they "would have to do an eye swab with every kid" to determine that. Ok, so why they don't do that I don't know, so they treat every eye issue with an antibiotic eye drop that does not get absorbed into the system and effect the immune system at all...apparently. So I dropped off the prescription and brought the sick little guy home. N called me back at this point and I filled him in on what the doc said. He works so hard, it's pretty much impossible for him to drop everything like I did, so his help today was unfortunately not an option. He was able to pick up the prescription at Walgreen's on his way home so we didn't have to leave the house. That was a big help. So in the midst of this, the Walgreen's nurse called to do a follow-up. She asked if I was feeling better and I said no. She asked if I wanted to have her call in a Z-PAC and I said yes! Please! She was going to call it into the same Walgreen's N was going to so it would be perfect, right? Actually no, as we were hanging up I said "the Z-PAC is OK while breastfeeding, right?" She said hmm, let me check. Well my OB nurse called in a Z-PAC when BBZ was 3-4 days old because that was the last time I had a sinus infection and it was no problem with nursing. Granted I was also taking pain killers at the time, but whatever. So she came back to the phone and said no, it's not OK while breastfeeding and referred me to my doctor.

So here I am, right where I started. Sick and absolutely no time to go to the doctor. I do get to stay home tomorrow, but it's not like I am going to rest. But at least I get to sit at home and snuggle with my little boy all day long. He was very snuggly tonight and I'm taking all the snuggles I can get! To you moms out there, any suggestions on getting eye drops in a 7 month old baby's eyes? This has already proven to be a huge challenge... One more thing (maybe just one) I cannot smell or taste anything. Seriously. ANYTHING. I asked N the other day if we as humans didn't have taste buds, would we ever eat anything that wasn't good for us. I, myself, would be on a diet of field greens and brussel sprouts because it seems silly to eat anything that isn't good for you if you can't enjoy it anyway. I have had a craving for something sweet for 2 weeks and cannot satisfy it because I can't taste anything. The smell thing sucks too. This may not make sense, but it sucks not being able to smell when BBZ poops because I don't know ahead of time how prepared I need to be when going in for a diaper change. Do I need 1 wipe or 3? Do I need to have a change of clothes on hand? This morning I knew he pooped only because I caught the red face while he was hanging out in his exersaucer. This is important because I would hate to take him to daycare with something ripe in his diaper. So, those are 2 symptoms I am looking forward to losing quickly. Those and the ridiculous sinus pressure and pain. Oh well, at least I am also too busy to be too bothered by it. Maybe the day off will be good for me too. At least I will get all those snuggles I was talking about.