Thursday, April 23, 2009
"It's been a long, long time comin', but I know a change gonna come" ~Sam Cooke
Ahh, change. A past professor of mine taught me that change is constant. Change cannot cease to occur. Our lives are continually growing and changing, and to resist it is pointless. Change. People resist it, holding on as tight as possible to the way things have always been and the way they expect them to stay. But no matter how hard you hold on, change is inevitable, and it is constant. I have been doing some soul searching and, with the well wishes of many friends, and a lovely prayer from my friend and neighbor, have excepted that I cannot do all for my baby that I want to while keeping the work life I had before he was here. Before he was here I could work past 4:30pm, sleep a little late if I wanted, let things at home go if things at work needed more attention, but times have changed. I cannot work 40 hours a week and do what I need to for my family. I think that is one reason I have not been able to heal this infection. A very kind co-worker told me on my first day back from maternity leave to not try and do it all, because if I try I will get tired, and when I am tired I will get sick, and when I am sick, everyone will suffer...including (if not especially) the baby. Well that is exactly what has happened. I have tried to do way more than one person is able, and I need to change something, or rather adjust my life to the change that has already taken place. I asked my boss today, while trying to fight back tears of emotion, if the department could accommodate my working a 32 hour, 4-day week. I tried to stay professional, but as I am requesting something I would have never expected myself to want, and imagining being able to have 1 glorious extra day at home with my baby, I couldn't resist the emotion. She was so understanding and open to suggestions as we brainstormed what might work for me and for the company. She said she would run it by her boss, and she did, and they approved it! So starting soon, I will have my 1 extra day at home with my baby. I don't think I can express how this weight has been lifted off of me. I think I wanted to pretend that I could do it all, and now that I have refused to resist the change, welcoming it with open arms really, I feel like I can breathe, and maybe actually do some of the things I have been neglecting, like cleaning my house! No seriously, the ONLY part of my house that is clean is BBZ's area on the floor in the living room and the kitchen, the rest of the house is a dirty mess. And I don't just mean clutter, I mean pounds of dust on the furniture, dirty floors you wouldn't want to wear socks on, and cobwebs. My cleanliness has certainly taken the COMPLETE back seat to my other lists of things to do. I don't know how soon this will start, but I do know that I am on my way to something new and I think I will be a much better version of myself to my job, to my husband, and to my baby. Who happens to be exactly 7 months old today! I will send a post soon with his cute, updated photos.