Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Little Boy Z or Baby Girl Z???

On December 26th 2010, we were surprised with a late Christmas present...a positive pregnancy test!  I was not particularly jumping for joy when I saw that second line on the test.  Let me back up.

Last November right before Thanksgiving while visiting my parents, I realized that I was 4 days late to start my period.  I told N and suggested that I take a pregnancy test because the month before my cycle was exactly 28 days.  I bought a 2-pack and took one.  It was negative and I started the next day.

I was poking around the kitchen and noticed the calendar.  I knew that my period was due soon, but I wasn't sure exactly when so I counted.  I was 4 days late again.  I didn't really think anything of it since I was late last month.  I figured that this was my new cycle.  My periods have been all over the place anyway since I got it back in the spring.  So I remembered that I had this other test and figured I would take it and put my mind at ease while I waited for my period to come.

I never expected that it would be positive!

I felt a huge rush of emotions when I saw that positive line.  I have heard that people who have their second child worry most because they cannot understand how they will ever love anyone as much as the first one.  That wasn't how my mind reacted.  My biggest worry was...what if I loved this baby more than BBZ?  How would I possibly deal with my little boy not being my one and only focus?  Weird I know, but that was what I felt.

So when I thought I might be in November, I admit that I was a little disappointed when it was negative.  But a lot has changed since November.  I got a new job.  I want to be on my a-game for this job.  This is truly my dream job, and now it has to take a back seat to the baby developing in my body.  No matter how much I want this job, this baby is on my mind, and will be somewhat of a distraction.  That is my worry anyway.  My dear friend Laura says that this new job will probably make the difficult first trimester fly by.  I sure hope she is right!

I went to the doctor on 12/31/10 and he confirmed that I am pregnant.  He called it an early pregnancy and said that I could come back in 3 weeks for an ultrasound that will give me a due date.  I went to that appointment on Monday and saw his or her little heartbeat!  What a precious sound it was!  It really made all of this finally real.
Another thing I cannot figure out is when the heck we made this baby.  I don't keep track of every single time N and I do the deed, but unless I am completely forgetting one passioante night together, his sperm would have had to stay alive for a while before when I possible could have ovulated.  I wasn't on birth control (it really messed me up when nursing after my period came back) so I kind of payed attention to when to be extra careful, and there was no risk then, so I am stumped.

I am finding some peace in not understanding how this happened though.  All early pregnant moms think about losing the baby.  I have been thinking just that, even though I try to stay positive.  But this baby, literally made against any fertile odds that I can fathom, is determined to be made.  I find peace in not knowing and like the loss of control it gives me.  I feel free.  Free from having to understand everything that happens and free to love this baby freely, without witholding emotions out of fear of what may happen.  I am already in love with our baby!

And I would bet money that it is a girl!  Remember when BBZ asked for a baby sister???  This baby was likely made within days of that request.  Crazy.