I've tried to write this post a few times and the drafts are saved. I don't think I have ever written a post and not published it, and now I have done it more than once with the same topic. I just haven't been able to get the words right.
I just want to move on from the Gratitude Practice road I started down. The truth is, I'm not concerned about not appreciating the wonderful things in my life. I am surrounded by them. From the way BBZ's eye lashes seem to go on forever to the quiet way my husband smiles as he sees his youngest boy crawl intentely across the room, the things I love about my life are beaming. LBZ's eye lashes are going to give BBZ's a challenge. I can often feel them against my skin when he nurses. Just another thing I love about nursing him.
I did find what I needed from Gratitude Practice. I'm afraid I'm not enough to my family, and I'm afraid I'm not enough to my employer. Both roles help define who I am. Both roles are incredibly important to my life. And chances are, I'll never feel like I'm enough at either one.
I love my family and I also love my job. Feeling like I'm not enough to either role causes me a lot of stress and anxiety. Realizing this fear has been quite refreshing for me.
Unless you never look at the TV, Facebook or the Internet, you saw the cover of TIME magazine with the woman nursing her 3-year-old. I'm not that interested in the nursing part, I have seen many moms nursing children that age, so it is not a surprising sight for me. What interests me is the title.
"Are you mom enough?"
While this title was meant to sell magazines, what it also did was normalize my own feelings of not being enough. The person who wrote that article, which I haven't yet read, knows that all moms have doubt about being "enough" in their lives. It caught the attention it sought, I suppose, by saying something that could both fuel a war among moms (which is another post for another day), and link us all together by one common thread...we all want to have it all and be it all to ourselves and our families.
So while I may be worried about being enough, I don't feel it consuming me as it was before I started posting about my gratitudes. I realize that this is my issue. My employer thinks I am enough. My family thinks I'm enough. And now, I am working on feeling like I'm enough.
My life is overflowing with the things I love. I have a job that I love, which for a moment seemed like a distraction from my life rather than an part of it. The love I have for my family cannot be put into words. I never saw my life like this. I never imagined myself raising two boys, but here I am, watching them rapidly grow up right in front of me. Teething, lack of sleep, ear infections, whining, back-talk, endless rocking to sleep and an unbelievable amount of money pouring into avoiding what sometimes seems like a simple tube surgery are certainly challenges we have been facing lately. But all things considered, my family is happy.
So while I still intend to post about things I am grateful for, I no longer feel like I am searching for something or trying to figure something out. I'm just trying to have it all and be it all...just like everyone else.