Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The post I didn't have to write after all.

I sat down to my computer on Sunday and started to write a post about returning to work the next week.  It would include how worried I am about being away from LBZ.  It would include my fears that he would never re-learn to take a bottle and that he might cry all day.  It would include thoughts of quitting my job in order to never be away from my children again.  It would show all of the doubt I had in my decision to return to work, even though I claimed to feel great about the decision.

It was going to be an intense post.  But then, I found this.  It is the post I wrote almost 3 years ago, exactly 1 week before I was to return to work after having BBZ.  I re-read this post and suddenly felt relieved.

You see, every single emotion I am feeling now, I felt then.  Everything.  He wouldn't take a bottle either, and I worried that he never would and that he would cry all day.  I worried that I wouldn't be able to leave him.  I worried that I wouldn't be able to do my job.  I worried that I was making a huge mistake by returning to work.  Every single emotion was identical.

BBZ had a bit of a hard time when I returned to work, but by the end of that first week, he had figured it out.  Much like LBZ will, I am sure.  We adjusted into our working mom lifestyle and have been living it happily for almost 3 years.  While I am going to miss my sweet boy more than words can say, I know he will be ok.  I know I will be ok.

I'll look forward to pumping, so I can imagine being with him.  I will look forward to being reunited at the end of the day and how happy I will be to see his sweet smile.  I will cry on my way to work and be sad about leaving, which will improve over time.  I will look forward to him starting BBZ's daycare so they can be together.  I will try and remember why I am working: to set a strong example of work ethic for my sons and to be able to provide them with the things they need in life.  To be able to save for their future and for ours.  To be able to live in a house in one of the best school districts in the state.  Because it is the decision that is best for our family.

And luckily, I have a private office so I can close the door and cry as many times as I want.