This is so hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. As much as I want to and planned to take the pressure off of this one day, going past it is pure torture. I go from feeling completely confident in nature to being sure that I have some control over it and must not "want" him to be born enough. This is all just downright irrational.
But I suppose that is to be expected with the amount of hormonal activity going on inside my body right now. I've been through this before, but that doesn't make it any bit easier.
Thursday, 9/1 I spent all day having contractions that ranged anywhere from 8-30 minutes apart. I was sure it would turn into real labor and kept waiting for that. At one point I asked my body to turn into real labor or just stop and so it stopped. Not the answer I wanted, but I was at least able to sleep a while that night and wake up rested.
Friday was super hard as I expected contractions to restart and they didn't. Some friends were throwing a surprise 35th birthday party for another friend at a bar that had a Panic cover band playing. N had planned to go all along unless the baby was here and I had no intention of going either way.
At around 5pm as I laid down on the couch feeling sorry for myself, N suggested I go along too...so I did! We went to a friend's house first and hung out, then headed to the venue. It was so great to get out of the house, hear some awesome music and spend time with friends. It was just what I needed.
Yesterday I felt on top of the world. My best girlfriend came to visit, BBZ took a 3-hour nap, and I really felt ok about being past my date. The thought of going to 42 weeks while scary didn't feel like the end of the world and I felt ok about things.
Today, not so much.
Today I am feeling sorry for myself again. I know all of the rational thoughts but feel all of the hormonal emotions. I know he will come when he is ready, but I want him to be ready now. I know I will not be pregnant forever, but I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I know he must not be quite done, but I feel like he's not being born because I'm not wanting it enough. I know I have no control over when he is born, but I feel like I do and I'm not doing enough to make it happen.
See rational thoughts and hormone-induced feelings.
Tomorrow is my birthday, and I am hoping that I get a sweet baby boy for my birthday, but I guess we will have to wait and see.
I'll end on a positive note that physically, I still feel amazing. I can't believe that I feel this good this late in the game. I am not swollen at all and other than the occasional ache or pain, I feel awesome. It's kind of crazy, so I guess I should be thrilled about that!
(40 Weeks, 3 Days)
