Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Disappointment

Yesterday was my birthday.

Yesterday was the hardest day yet.

After waking up at 3am with pretty strong contractions, I couldn't go back to sleep. I got up to use the bathroom a few times and unofficially started to time the contractions. From 3am until about 6 am they were steady from 8-10 minutes apart, lasting about a minute or so. I figured this was it.

I got up, ate some food, let N know what was going on and took a shower.  I was sure this was it.  At about 7:30am, things started to slow down a bit.  N and I decided to take a walk and took a super long one.  The contractions were steady the whole time, but manageable.

Once we got home around 8:30am or so, I had to use the bathroom immediately.  After that, I had 2 contractions and then nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  It was as though the whole morning never happened.  I was absolutely devastated.

I thought this was going to be the perfect birthday for both him and me.  That we would go to the hospital and he would be born in the same exact place I was 32 years earlier.  The disappointment I felt cannot be put into words.

I spent all day sad.  I couldn’t break away from the sadness, and I really didn’t have an interest in trying to feel better.  I guess this is what depression feels like.  I had no interest in doing anything.  Not even playing with BBZ, which made me feel even worse.

Luckily, N is an amazing husband and he just took over.  Our niece was spending the day with us, so N took her and BBZ to the park.  He called around lunchtime and said BBZ wanted Steak N’ Shake and wondered if I wanted to come.  I didn’t want to move, but a milk shake did sound delicious!

We went and ate lunch and I still didn’t feel much better.  I felt completely deflated.  I’m not sure if it was the fact that the labor took my energy or that emotionally I just couldn’t cope.  Either way, I laid around the house the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself.

At some point after dinner, I got my strength back.  I felt positive again and ready to push on.  N and I ran to the grocery store for our weekly fruit trip and he had the best idea in the world.  He says “if we, and by ‘we’ I mean mostly you, have to have a few more rough days, we should buy some junk food to help us get by.  It will make the days much easier”.

Now let me explain that N and I are very health eaters.  Sure we have the occasional cookie or ice cream and what-not, but we do not buy foods with HFCS or lots of sugar because we don’t want it in the house and we really just don’t eat it.  He made a good point though that if there is ever a time that we want to throw rules out the window and just try to make life a little more tolerable, now is the time.

Throughout this pregnancy, I have been eyeing those toaster things that have the icing on them.  I loved them when I was younger and have just had a taste for them.  I have exercised restraint though and avoided such sugar-filled snacks and opted instead for fruit or another healthy alternative.

Well, we have those delicious toaster things in the freezer right now.  We also have chocolate donuts and candy corn, two of my favorite snacks in the world.  That N sure knows what he is doing.

So today I have new energy.  If the week and my mood swings continue as they have, it means that tomorrow will be another bad day, but we’ll have to wait and see.

I’ll see my doctor this afternoon and am looking forward to finding out how long he will let me go without inducing.  Neither of us has brought it up, and I assume that 42 weeks is the magic number, but I’m not sure.  As much as I want this baby to be born, I really do not want to be induced.  Hopefully he will come on his own before we have to do any interventions.

Tomorrow is the magic 7th day, which is how late BBZ was.  Will this boy be just like his brother?  Will he try to out-do him and go even longer?  Or maybe he’ll show up today and surprise us all.  Who knows, but I am glad to be in a better place today and hope that I will be holding my sweet baby boy very, very soon.

3 comments:

  1. In most states, it's 42 weeks. But I bet he comes before then! Hang in there!

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  2. so glad you're feeling better, sis.
    hang in there, love you!

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  3. Take care of yourself. I know it's hard, but he will come in his own sweet time, and it will be perfect!

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