Tuesday, July 19, 2011

This is so hard, and it’s only going to get harder.

Yes folks, I am not feeling overly optimistic today, so please brace yourselves for a whiny, bummer, not-so-happy post where I feel ever so sorry for myself. It doesn’t happen often, but today it is.
Being pregnant while raising a toddler is really, really hard. As though the pregnancy tireds, big belly, waking every 2 hours to pee and short temper weren’t bad enough, add a toddler on the verge of the (worse than terrible twos) threes, and you have one worn out mama.

Let me say along with this, that I really don’t mean to complain. I love that we are having another baby. I love that BBZ is on the verge of being the big brother that I can tell he so desperately wants to be. I love where our family is going, even though to say I am freaking out a little is a HUGE understatement.

I’ve never been one to apologize for my feelings. I know there are people out there who have 3, 4, and even 5 kids who probably had it worse than me, but that doesn’t make my feelings about my situation any less valid. They are feelings, after all, and we don’t always have control over how we feel. We just feel, you know?

I am really starting to freak out. I want to practice many of the attachment parenting practices I did with BBZ with his brother, but I probably won’t be able to, at least not to the same extent.

BBZ never cried until he was about 10 weeks old…when he was with me anyway. When he was with anyone besides me (and my boobs) he cried, but as long as I was nearby, he seriously never cried. I know the reason is because anytime he wanted anything, he had it…immediately.

I nursed him one day from sun up to sun down, I swear. I did a lot of crying that day, but he sure didn’t.

It is very hard for me to accept the fact that I am not going to be able to provide for this baby in the same way. I also know that I will not be able to attend to BBZ the same way as I do now, which is hard for me to imagine. Is he spoiled? Perhaps, but he is also a pretty happy and well rounded little boy. He does have to wait sometimes and when he does we talk about how it can be hard, and hopefully he is taking mental notes because he will be doing a lot of waiting for me in about 6 weeks or so.

I spoke to a friend who also had a “needy” first born about how the heck people do this and she said that the older one has no choice but to learn to adjust and the younger one learns not to become so needy. I guess this is why I want two children, really.

I know that only children can develop a sense of entitlement after never having to share their parents or take turns with a sibling. Now I’m not bashing parents with only children, only expressing an observation. My niece and my nephew are both only children and there are great things about that fact. There are also great things about having 2 children, which is what I am desperately trying to focus on since I am starting to, well, freak out about ending out first born’s only childness.

But really, I want BBZ to understand that he is older and can do more for himself. It’s so interesting how a child can be so determined to be independent while simultaneously needing mommy for every. Single. Thing. I want him to learn what having a baby brother will teach him about the world. How the world isn’t always at his beck and call, and that waiting for something can make it that much more special.

But the baby? That’s another story. He really shouldn’t have to wait for anything. If he wants me, he should have me whenever he wants. I am not one who believes that he will learn to sooth himself or that he will just have to figure it out. As a parent, I believe it is my job to comfort him and give him all of the things he needs during those first few months of life, without question.

The thought of not being able to do that is so scary to me.

And not only not being bale to do it, but expecting me to be all of these things to everyone is freaking me out too! How the hell am I going to do this?


Those of you who know me personally know that I cannot stay negative for very long. I remember having feelings somewhat like this before BBZ was born. Crazy buyer’s remorse. I wondered what I was thinking bringing a baby into the world and how there was no way I could do it all…and then he was here, and we just made it work.

I know we will make it work. Maybe he will be a great sleeper. Maybe BBZ will truly understand that the baby needs me and why. Maybe both boys will be so in sync, that I might be able to nap at the same time they do. Maybe this child will be an early sleeper and give me plenty of sweet night time with my night owl. This is a lot of “what ifs”, but the point is that I know deep down that everything will be just fine.

Like how the hell am I going to get 2 children out of the house and myself to work every day? Especially on days like today when BBZ was extra slow-moving. Whoa boy, and work? How the hell am I going to be able to go back to work again at all?

Geez. I better just stop now.