Sunday, March 13, 2011

Feeling Disconnected and Unpretty

It has been quite a while since I have blogged, and not because there isn't much going on.  I have been crazy busy and considering I can hardly make it awake past 8:30pm these days, computer time is extremely limited.  I have been trying to keep up with others' blogs, but it's mostly on my phone, so I can't comment.  But I am keeping up!

I don't know about others, but I find it hard to talk about troubling things in the midst of them happening.  It's much easier for me to deal with what is going on alone, or with some support, then share the fact that I had this experience and am over it.  Such is the case today.

2 weeks ago, my mom called me on a random Saturday or Sunday.  She just wondered how I was doing, and the flood gate opened.  I honestly didn't even realize that I was struggling with anything, but the fact that BBZ was napping and she had my undivided attention combined with asking me the right questions made me come to terms with some of the things I was dealing with on the inside.

I had not felt any connection to this baby.  And when I say no connection, I mean no connection.  From the time I found out that he/she was in there, I have hesitated to believe it.  Part of me (even now) thinks that something must be wrong since this was such a huge surprise.  My overly controlling self can't accept that the creation of this baby was not controlled by me and that he/she is fine.  I am quick to assume that the baby is sick or will not make it the whole pregnancy.

There is no basis for this unrealistic thought, but nevertheless, it is there and I didn't really even realize it.  I confided in my mom these feelings and shared that I cannot bond with this child.  I fear that I may love it more than BBZ.  I fear that I may not love it as much as BBZ.  I fear that I will resent my new job, which I love, because it won't have the flexibility that my old job had when BBZ was little.  I feel disconnected from this life growing inside me.  A life that I should be yearning for.  A life that I want in mine.  It was a horribly scary realization that I felt this way, but also so important for me to bring it to my consciousness so I could face it and deal with it.

So the talk with my mom was great.  She suggested that I talk to my doctor and have an ultrasound done to rule out anything and to make sure things are ok.  But the truth is, I'm sure they are.  And if they're not, I'll deal with it then.  I know worrying doesn't do any good, but these irrational thoughts are a part of this process, I think.

The Monday after this talk with my mom, one of my coworkers, and a dear friend, came in to see how I was doing.  I shared with her how I had been feeling and she told me that she had a similar experience with one of her pregnancies.  She said that she never felt connected to that child while pregnant.  She had some reasons to have her defenses up, but she could really understand how I was feeling.  It was so nice to know that what was happening inside my mind as a result of what was happening inside my body was very comforting.

Like I mentioned, that was Monday, so on Tuesday I had to pick up BBZ from daycare because he had a fever.  We snuggled on the couch and watched Wow Wow Wubzy (which I wish I loved as much as he does but I don't) and it happened.  Kick after kick after kick started happening inside my belly.  Each time BBZ spoke, another kick happened.  My babies were talking to each other!  I told BBZ what was happening and he kept talking.  It was one of the most special moments of my life.  Suddenly, things felt a little better.

I haven't felt the baby move quite as much as I would like since then, but that moment came right when it needed to.  I see the doctor this Friday and hope that the heartbeat sounds strong and that we will be on our way to the next appointment, which will be our 20 week ultrasound!  I can't wait!

So to add to the ridiculous emotions that accompany pregnancy, I do not feel very pretty right now.  I guess that is understandable, but I am not used to feeling bad about myself.  I am a confident person, and even when I have put weight on in the past (pregnant or not) I really had a positive attitude about it.  But not this time.

N and I have a show we like to watch on the playboy channel.  It's not porn or anything, but it has pretty half naked women in it and it is really quite entertaining.  So one night we went to bed and I was falling asleep and N put it on.  I kind of freaked out.  I remember saying something about being a huge whale and not being able to handle having pretty women on the TV and some other nonsense.  Poor N.  But I couldn't help it!

I remember feeling the best I ever felt while pregnant with BBZ.  Even when I had the death tireds I felt on top of the world.  This time is so different.  Plus, not one but TWO people at my work found it to be appropriate to point out the fact that I must be having a girl because my face and my butt is already showing it.  That was hurtful.  None of my clothes fit, I can't get anything done around the house, we eat out way too much because I don't have energy to cook, and people are pointing out that I am getting fat.  It's just a little too much for a girl to handle.

So that is what has been going on in my mind the last few weeks.  I really do feel much better though.  I have put on 10 pounds already, but I didn't gain one this past month, so hopefully I am evening out.  Plus I am about 8 pounds behind where I was with BBZ.  I had a sinus infection, which I think just added to my tireds, but I'm over that now and seem to have more energy than I have had in months.  I feel better about the baby and finally bought a pregnancy journal like the one I used with BBZ so I can start recording my thoughts.  Things are looking up.

We had some nice weather this weekend and went to the St. Patty's Day parade.  I'll post some later, if I get some more good blogging time!  N's out of town again, so we'll see if BBZ gives me another chance to catch up!


  1. Awww...this post got me all choked up because I felt the same way in some ways with my pregnancy with G. Although I felt connected with him, I did worry that I'd love him more or less than L. It's so scary. And even though I embraced my curves in my first pregnancy, I hated them the second time around. The good news is that when you see your second-born, your heart just splits in two and you'll love him/her as much as you love BBZ. It's absolutely awesome. I'm so excited for you to experience it.

  2. This is a great post, Anna! I just want to say that you're absolutely amazing and this baby will be lucky to have you as his or her mom. Glad you're feeling better! And I wish the nice weather would have stuck around!!

  3. Aw, Anna. This made me want to just give you a big hug. I'm noticing a little bit of a trend with 1st babies vs. 2nd babies. Second babies seem to be a little more emotionally intimidating/daunting. That probably has a lot to do with already having your first baby and all of your feelings that are tied to THAT little person.

    The people that say rude things are stupid. I just read another post about that today:

    Seriously, why does being pregnant give people permission to say things to you they'd otherwise NEVER say? Jerks.

    I hope that since you were able to acknowledge some of your feelings, maybe now you can work THROUGH them. I think that's a big key. Also, it took me a long time to feel attached to this baby too, for what it's worth. After going through a loss, I was just too scared to get too connected. But it's happening now. And it's getting better every day :)

  4. Anna,
    This makes me miss you! (in a good way). I know it must be a lot to handle and process, but what a special moment you got to share with BBZ & the little one inside! And already at 20 weeks? No way! It's flying by like crazy!

  5. Also...I wanted to tell you that I have a coworker who loved to tell me that my butt was getting bigger. And she always said it in front of other people. AND I always wanted to punch her in the teeth when she said it. I bet your ass looks fantastic.

  6. I'm glad you're feeling better. I'm not sure if you get over to my blog very often, but I announced a couple of weeks ago that I'm expecting, too. I live in the St. L area, too. Being pregnant at this time of year is really hard. You're halfway between seasons and you never know what the weather will do, so you just kind of wear whatever. I've already been asked if I am having twins (I haven't gained any weight, in fact, I've lost 5 lbs)--it's just that my loose skin from 3 previous stomach surgeries is all shoved up and 'out' now so it makes me look weird. I have similar feelings to you regarding the whole 'carrying' the baby thing. I'm constantly afraid I will miscarry. I'm not sure why. I thought I was pregnant in November, but my period came 4 days late. I had been SO freaking happy. So when it came and then I missed it again in December, I just couldn't believe it. I'm still in shock. I think the 20 week (I'll get it at 18) US will help me out a lot. They had a lot of trouble finding the heartbeat last time I was at the doctor. I should say the little bugger kept swimming away. Which reminds me, I should blog about all of this. Rest assured you are not alone. I'm still exhausted and my poor hubby feels awfully neglected.

  7. I totally relate to the body issues. I've been the same way, even though logically I know how ridiculous I'm being. I cry about it a lot. Self reminders are hard to come by when I'm so emotional.

    Can't wait to hear about your ultrasound.

    I'm glad you're feeling better. I think those insights are normal for a second baby. I already worry about stuff like that - like having enough love - and I'm still pregnant with my first. But it's just that I love her so much already, and I can't believe I'll be able to feel that way again.

  8. Hi sis,
    Wish I had some words of wisdom, but sounds like mom helped out a lot (she's so good at that!).

    Miss you much, wish I could help, I love you,