Two and a half

On my way home the other day I was thinking.  I was thinking about these yearly photo books that I make for BBZ and wondered if I will take enough photos of the new baby to give he/she their own photo book.  So many people say that there are always fewer photos of the second, third and so on children in a family.  Then I started to wonder the last time I took photos of BBZ.  It wasn't that long ago, but I doubt that this much time went by without photos when BBZ was a baby.

Then I was reminded why.  Babies don't move much and smile alot.  My 2.5 year old on the other hand?  He moves very quickly and smiles a lot, but usually int he opposite way of the camera.

Oh well, here is my attempt at a two and a half year photo shoot!

So as you can see, I didn't really nail a great photo.  But I did get his measurements!  Look at how big he is!  And not only that, but he has grown 2.5 inches in 6 months!!!  That is crazy to me.  Do kids really grow this fast.  Wow, I hadn't really realized it when I was marking this chart, but now that we have so many marks, we can really see just how big he is!

Oh my sweet BBZ.  You are such a wonderful little boy.  You are 2 and people always ask if we are in the midst of the terrible 2s.  I generally just smile and take the opportunity to brag about what a good boy you are.  Sure, you have your moments, but you have never had a throw-yourself-on-the-floor tantrum. (knock on wood).

You have a cheery disposition and always love to play and to cuddle with me or your daddy.  You still wake at night occasionally, but it seems to be getting better.  You still ask for me most of the time, but I see you and your daddy getting closer every day.

You are a home body and love to hang out around the house.  You have a new love of pickles, that goes well with your mama's new pregnancy.  Just this morning when I dropped you off at school, you said you wanted to give the baby a kiss and kissed my belly.  You are so excited to be a big brother.

Your love of firetrucks is still in full swing, although you are branching out to police men and cops and robbers.  I ask if you are ready to give your bed back to the new baby, and you say "well the baby's not here yet!"  You stutter pretty often, but most people we've asked about it say that it is developmental.  You're so smart that your little mouth can't keep up with how fast your brain is moving!

You are working on potty training, although you don't seem to care too much about it and refuse to sit on the potty at school.  At home you will try to keep underwear dry and show how proud you are of yourself when you do go on the potty.  You say that you are afraid to poop on the potty and haven't yet, but I'm sure you will when you are ready.

Our days are full of happiness because of you.  You make your daddy and I giggle with so many of the things that come out of your mouth.  You are such a joy to be around, and we couldn't love you more.

I am so proud of you, BBZ.

Love,

Mommy

What just a few weeks can do.

It really is amazing how much can change in just a few weeks.  This baby has been moving around like crazy, and I'm lovin' every minute of it.

There was about 2 days when I didn't feel anything, and I started to worry.  But it picked up again and I fell him/her every single day.  And with each kick comes a bit more love and connection.

I saw my doctor last week for my 16 week appointment and shared some of my feelings.  He's a man, so I certainly didn't get the loving approach I perhaps naively expected, but he did normalize my feelings, which was nice.

When I shared that I was worried something was wrong, but not really worried, he offered the genetic screening that is offered at 16 weeks.  I really was not interested in this screening.  I didn't have it done with BBZ, and I didn't want it now.  I asked if what they find in the screening would also show on the ultrasound and he said yes, for the most part.

As I left the office I began to wonder...what am I worried about.  I spoke to a friend this week who happens to have a disability about this.  She was born with her disability, and I can honestly say that I am not concerned about having a child with a disability.  If anything, my husband and I would probably be incredible parents to a child with any need.  So I really had to think about this.  What am I worried about?  I think I am afraid that there will be something fatally wrong with the baby.  That we will hear news that the baby won't survive, or something.

I'm not really obsessing over this though.  I actually feel much more at ease than I did even a few days ago.  What will be, will be I keep telling myself.  I started worrying about daycare and the cost and how we would swing it and really stressing myself out, but today, I feel at peace.  How wonderful it is, what a few weeks can do.

N and I are going to a concert tonight.  My mom has been in town (which is indescribably fantastic) and she is staying home with our little man.  When I was pregnant with BBZ, we kept all of the tickets to the concerts we went to and framed them for him.  There were quite a few, as we are avid concert goers.  We are trying to do the same for this little one, but the shows are fewer and farther between.

We saw 2 shows around New Years, then this one tonight, then we have another one planned for April.  We're thinking of going to Memphis in May, but we haven't officially decided yet.  Once summer comes, hopefully we will see many pop up around down that are outside, so we can bring our music-loving BBZ along with us.  It's fun to know that our children were enjoying music with us before they were even born!

Only 2 more weeks until we find out if this is a Baby Girl Z or a Little Brother Z!!!!  I cannot wait.  For weeks I swore this is a girl, then about 3 weeks ago, I started thinking boy, big time.  Then the night before last I had a dream that the baby is a girl.  She had blond hair and bright blue eyes, just like N.  She also had tiny little ruby red earrings.  She also had her eye brow pierced, which is weird, but weird dreams are just part of my life these days.

We'll find out in a couple more weeks!

St. Patty's Day Parade

Since my last post was pretty heavy, some great pictures are certainly in order.  So as promised, here are some pictures from one of the only beautiful days here in the St.L as of late.  I hear it's going to be pretty nice on Thursday, but the snow today put a damper on my spring feelings.

We started out just outside a bar where some of our friends were hanging out.  It quickly became clear to me that BBZ wasn't going to be in the safest surroundings where we were standing.  We walked a ways and found this nice open grassy area where we could sit and have some room for him to run around.

And you know we had to have front row seats to the firetrucks.

There were tons of little spiders all over the sidewalk where we were sitting.  Something such as this 3 years ago would have my skin crawling, but life with a 2-year-old boy can change things like how one reacts to nearby creepy crawlies.

We have a bit of a shy one on our hands.  He is really funny when he is in unfamiliar territory.  Something will worry him and he will hide, just like this!  I love how you can see his little eyes peering out.

Overall it was a fantastic day!!!

Feeling Disconnected and Unpretty

It has been quite a while since I have blogged, and not because there isn't much going on.  I have been crazy busy and considering I can hardly make it awake past 8:30pm these days, computer time is extremely limited.  I have been trying to keep up with others' blogs, but it's mostly on my phone, so I can't comment.  But I am keeping up!

I don't know about others, but I find it hard to talk about troubling things in the midst of them happening.  It's much easier for me to deal with what is going on alone, or with some support, then share the fact that I had this experience and am over it.  Such is the case today.

2 weeks ago, my mom called me on a random Saturday or Sunday.  She just wondered how I was doing, and the flood gate opened.  I honestly didn't even realize that I was struggling with anything, but the fact that BBZ was napping and she had my undivided attention combined with asking me the right questions made me come to terms with some of the things I was dealing with on the inside.

I had not felt any connection to this baby.  And when I say no connection, I mean no connection.  From the time I found out that he/she was in there, I have hesitated to believe it.  Part of me (even now) thinks that something must be wrong since this was such a huge surprise.  My overly controlling self can't accept that the creation of this baby was not controlled by me and that he/she is fine.  I am quick to assume that the baby is sick or will not make it the whole pregnancy.

There is no basis for this unrealistic thought, but nevertheless, it is there and I didn't really even realize it.  I confided in my mom these feelings and shared that I cannot bond with this child.  I fear that I may love it more than BBZ.  I fear that I may not love it as much as BBZ.  I fear that I will resent my new job, which I love, because it won't have the flexibility that my old job had when BBZ was little.  I feel disconnected from this life growing inside me.  A life that I should be yearning for.  A life that I want in mine.  It was a horribly scary realization that I felt this way, but also so important for me to bring it to my consciousness so I could face it and deal with it.

So the talk with my mom was great.  She suggested that I talk to my doctor and have an ultrasound done to rule out anything and to make sure things are ok.  But the truth is, I'm sure they are.  And if they're not, I'll deal with it then.  I know worrying doesn't do any good, but these irrational thoughts are a part of this process, I think.

The Monday after this talk with my mom, one of my coworkers, and a dear friend, came in to see how I was doing.  I shared with her how I had been feeling and she told me that she had a similar experience with one of her pregnancies.  She said that she never felt connected to that child while pregnant.  She had some reasons to have her defenses up, but she could really understand how I was feeling.  It was so nice to know that what was happening inside my mind as a result of what was happening inside my body was very comforting.

Like I mentioned, that was Monday, so on Tuesday I had to pick up BBZ from daycare because he had a fever.  We snuggled on the couch and watched Wow Wow Wubzy (which I wish I loved as much as he does but I don't) and it happened.  Kick after kick after kick started happening inside my belly.  Each time BBZ spoke, another kick happened.  My babies were talking to each other!  I told BBZ what was happening and he kept talking.  It was one of the most special moments of my life.  Suddenly, things felt a little better.

I haven't felt the baby move quite as much as I would like since then, but that moment came right when it needed to.  I see the doctor this Friday and hope that the heartbeat sounds strong and that we will be on our way to the next appointment, which will be our 20 week ultrasound!  I can't wait!

So to add to the ridiculous emotions that accompany pregnancy, I do not feel very pretty right now.  I guess that is understandable, but I am not used to feeling bad about myself.  I am a confident person, and even when I have put weight on in the past (pregnant or not) I really had a positive attitude about it.  But not this time.

N and I have a show we like to watch on the playboy channel.  It's not porn or anything, but it has pretty half naked women in it and it is really quite entertaining.  So one night we went to bed and I was falling asleep and N put it on.  I kind of freaked out.  I remember saying something about being a huge whale and not being able to handle having pretty women on the TV and some other nonsense.  Poor N.  But I couldn't help it!

I remember feeling the best I ever felt while pregnant with BBZ.  Even when I had the death tireds I felt on top of the world.  This time is so different.  Plus, not one but TWO people at my work found it to be appropriate to point out the fact that I must be having a girl because my face and my butt is already showing it.  That was hurtful.  None of my clothes fit, I can't get anything done around the house, we eat out way too much because I don't have energy to cook, and people are pointing out that I am getting fat.  It's just a little too much for a girl to handle.

So that is what has been going on in my mind the last few weeks.  I really do feel much better though.  I have put on 10 pounds already, but I didn't gain one this past month, so hopefully I am evening out.  Plus I am about 8 pounds behind where I was with BBZ.  I had a sinus infection, which I think just added to my tireds, but I'm over that now and seem to have more energy than I have had in months.  I feel better about the baby and finally bought a pregnancy journal like the one I used with BBZ so I can start recording my thoughts.  Things are looking up.

We had some nice weather this weekend and went to the St. Patty's Day parade.  I'll post some later, if I get some more good blogging time!  N's out of town again, so we'll see if BBZ gives me another chance to catch up!