This is the post I wrote in my head this morning. It's not a happy one, just as a warning.
I am tired. Tired of waking up every night with my nearly 18-month-old. Tired of trying to let him cry (or whine, really) only to be even more frustrated than if I had gone in AN HOUR earlier. Tired of fighting with my husband in the middle of the night because we are both frustrated and exhausted. I'm tired of thinking it is my fault that he can't put himself back to sleep because I nurse him to sleep. Tired of thinking that I am supposed to know what to do and I don't. I'm tired of remembering when he slept 12-13 hours without even a peep. I'm tired of being angry with my son for something I know he has no control over. I'm tired of being tired.
Then a few things happened to me today that made everything come into perspective:
He napped from 8:30am - 10:30am, which he never, ever does.
We played outside with some new toys I bought for him on Craig's list and his face lit up like it was Christmas morning when he saw them.
We went to lunch and sat outside with our jackets off.
BBZ tried to pull his short sleeve shirt sleeves down because he obviously didn't know what short sleeves feel like since it has been 95 days since it was above 50 degrees.
We bought a few new rugs for our beautiful new floors and spent only half of the amount we budgeted.
We went on an extremely long walk in our amazing neighborhood while N explained the plans for 2 of the nearby parks to improve.
I slid down a big slide with BBZ.
It's hard at 1 or 2 am to think clearly, especially when a toddler is crying in the other room and I don't want to make the wrong decision about whether or not to go in and help him. N actually ended up going in there last night and he didn't even need to nurse, he just needed help settling back down. I have to keep reminding myself that he does have an ear infection, that we've made the right decisions so far, and that he has never tried to manipulate me, even if he does need to nurse back to sleep. It will not be this way forever, and no matter what I cannot always make the right decision. As my very wise office mate has said to me, motherhood is a crap shoot. I have to trust myself and trust BBZ and hope this doesn't last too much longer...(and I really hope it doesn't, I don't know how much more I can take!)