I'm struggling with a few things today. Lately actually, not just today.
While I am still pumping for LBZ, my heart is no longer in it. I want to stop, but I want him to continue to have the benefits of my breastmilk. I still get sad sometimes about the abrupt end to our nursing relationship, and pumping was keeping that positive for me. Now it feels like a chore that I don't want to have to do. I'm waiting for a sign. Something to tell me that It's ok to stop.
I thought that might come from my body as it decides to no longer produce milk, but it just keeps on producing it. I pump about 5-6 ounces in the morning, which I divide and combine with almond milk for school and his bottle for before bed. Then I pump another 4-5 ounces in the afternoon, which I give him in the car on the way home from school.
It's actually a manageable routine, but I'm growing tired of having to stop what I'm doing to pump. At work it is somewhat easy, although still inconvenient. On the weekends, I get positively mad that I have to find time to pull myself away from the boys to pump. 20 minutes of uninterrupted time with two little boys is very, very difficult.
So, I'm struggling. I'm waiting for a sign. I'm waiting for something to tell me to stop. I guess I'm still waiting to be ready to stop.
I'm also struggling with how to deal with some of BBZ's very challenging behavior. It seems that the only thing that works when he is falling off of the deep end is for me to yell. Like, really yell really loud. It works, and then I hate myself for it. There has to be a better way, but I can't seem to find it.
I keep my cool for as long as humanly possible, but when he hitting and kicking me, trying to hit his brother, yelling terrible things and throwing toys, I just cannot put up with that. I try holding on to him tight, giving him love during these emotionally challenging times, but they have more often than not ended with me yelling lately, and I'm not happy with that.
When I let myself get so upset sometimes I can't hide it from him, even if I want to. After a blow-up and when he is crying and beginning to come down from it, he will often look at me and say "but what will make you happy, mommy?"
Just rip my heart out from the heavy guilt I feel, please.
Seriously. I was fine. Then my four-year-old throws a fit and gets me all worked up and pissed off, then he is asking me what I need to be happy? This doesn't seem right, and all I can think of is when he is older and looks back on this, all he is going to remember is trying everything he can to make me happy and me being pissed off all the time...when I wasn't pissed off at the beginning at all!
So here I am. Struggling. I'm not miserable, or sad, or having a terrible day or anything, I'm just...struggling. I'm having a hard time figuring out how to parent my 4-year-old in a way that shows him love and doesn't give in to his misbehavior. Trying to give my 1-year-old the best foundation for good nutrition and good health while trying to balance my own needs. It's a struggle. One that will likely become worse and get better over time. And now, it's on the bad end.
Blah blah, blah. Enough poor me. The Cardinals are in the post season!! Cardinal fans are truly the best. This town is the best during post season baseball. Everyone is wearing red and thinking the same thing at every turn. Even BBZ sang the whole Take Me Out to the Ballgame song on the way home earlier this week!