Thursday, January 5, 2012

I can't quite put my finger on it.

I have been feeling rather, well.  Hmm.  I really can't find a word for it.  Sad a little, melancholy perhaps.  Disappointed?  I just can't quite figure it out.

You see, I had some really high hopes for the new year.  I knew I had a week off work, the Christmas holiday, lots of time to sleep in or stay in my jam jams all day...I just knew I would feel great and ready to take on a new year come January 2nd.

What I got instead was quite disappointing.  I had an amazing time over vacation.  Both boys were great.  BBZ napped, LBZ laughed.  We went places and laughed and slept in and cuddled and were together as a family should be.  Rather than feeling refreshed from that, I can think of nothing but going back.

On Monday morning, I drove the boys to school and on the way I said that it was time to go back to the "real world".  It's something we all say so casually, I didn't think much of how BBZ interpreted it.

On our way home Monday evening, I heard BBZ mumbling in the back seat.  The child can talk loud as can be, but he often talks very quietly in the car as though he kind of wants me to hear him but not really.  I heard him say "I don't like the real world.  The real world is not my favorite place."  That's exactly how I feel.

I don't like the real world either.  I think that's another difficult thing for me to accept.  This is our life.  I am a working mom.  I will spend the majority of my awake time away from my children.  This is the way it was with BBZ, and this is the way it will be for LBZ too, for all of us.  This is the life we have chosen.  Reality has set in.

I imagine that I will adjust and things will get better.  That I will find new energy and be ok with our decision to raise our family this way.  I know it will improve as it did with BBZ.  I guess I just hoped it would when the new year came.  But it has come and gone, and I am still here, missing my toddler asking me to put his legos together for him.  Wishing I could hold my sweet nursing baby as he begins to reach our and touch my face during nursing sessions.  Desperately wishing that I could have it all, with the reality that I cannot.

I'm reading others' blogs that seem to have it all figured out for the new year and I am insanely jealous of that refreshed, energized and excited feeling that I hoped would come.  I almost feel like this is my first week back after maternity leave.  I just read something else about the idea of a "holiday hangover" when the excitement of the holidays leaves a let-down feeling afterwards.  Maybe that's it.

I am looking forward to the weekend.  We hold a Holiday party for all of our friends each year the weekend after New Years.  This Saturday is the party and I just can't wait to see all of our friends and catch up on how every one's holidays were.  BBZ's best friends will be at our house and the new babies of 2011 will be there too.  It should be a great time.

I also hired our house cleaner back after 4 months of "cleaning" the house myself.  I always resisted paying for someone to clean the house because I felt I should be able to keep up with the housework as a wife.  Like it was my responsibility or something.  I guess it still is my responsibility, I've just decided that it's worth it to pay someone else to do it.  Since N and I keep our money basically separated, I really use my money to pay her.  I still have the feeling of independence for making that happen, even though I don't have to really do much.

Just typing that out made me excited about re-hiring her.  I had never, since I lived with my mom anyway, ever come home to a house that had been cleaned for me.  I remember the feeling the first time we hired her, and it was awesome.  The floors shined, the bathrooms sparkled, it was heavenly.

So those are a few things to look forward to this weekend.

But then I will be back at work again, for another full week.  I was pumping awesome at the beginning of the week, and it gave me such joy to stop my day and think of sweet LBZ nursing.  But it also made me feel sad that I wasn't with him.  Then on Wednesday I got so caught up in something that I forgot to pump!  I remembered before long, but I was about an hour later than usual.  My body didn't even tell me to stop and pump, which is what usually happens.  It was weird and kind of freaked me out.

I'm not worried about my milk supply.  I'm now only pumping twice a day and I could easily pump more either in the morning or even add another time during the day if needed.  I just hate that I worked right through it!

LBZ had his first ear infection in December and is working on his second.  I picked him up from school on Wednesday and his teachers said he was a bit fussy and was pulling on his ear.  He is such a happy baby, we all thought that the ear infection was back.  Turns out that he has fluid in his ears that will more than likely become an ear infection, but for now it's not.  It could still be causing him pain though.

So I took him to the doctor and decided to just keep him home all day anyway.  He was pretty fussy and clingy and apparently, needed mommy.  I needed him to.  Holding this sweet boy while he sleeps makes me so stinkin' happy.

So I know things will get better.  I'm sure I will be energized again next week.  But maybe the expectation was too high.  Maybe I'll concentrate on being energized just on Monday and go from there.  We'll see :)  The weekend is right around the corner!