I'm jumping on a meme bandwagon with Jill over at Life is not Bubble Wrapped. The goal is to do something awesome with my week and write about it. So, here it goes!
I must admit that I have felt pretty awesome as of late. After accomplishing my goal of having an unmedicated birth, I have survived one day short of 3 weeks with a newborn and a toddler. I've hosted a birthday party, established a champion nurser, managed both children alone at bedtime and am now going into my biggest challenge yet...a weekend without my husband.
N left this morning for a 3-day alumni weekend at his college. He was awarded the Young Alumni of the Year award and has scooted off to his undergraduate college to accept the award and participate in many weekend activities. Where does that leave me? At home for 3 days and 2 nights with both boys. Aaahhhh!!!!
BBZ's school was also closed yesterday and he is always home with me on Fridays, so this made for a long 4-day weekend for a toddler who is used to his extremely predictable day at preschool. N took yesterday off, so we had an amazing day at the Zoo and spending the day together as a family. It was gorgeous outside and I had a few opportunities to nurse LBZ in the breezy outdoors, which was fantastic! It was a great day and a good start to the weekend.
While I am a bit nervous, I know we will be fine. LBZ has been having a really hard time between 9pm and midnight or so. He is tired, but unable to fall asleep. We try everything, but usually he just cries for a while until he finally is too exhausted to go on. This is extra hard since BBZ is just about falling asleep around 9pm. N and I have a good tag-team approach that we find works, but with him out of the equation, I'm on my own!
Worst case scenario, we can all sleep in my bed or in BBZ's, so no matter what we will get some sleep somehow! N's sister was nice enough to come over on her lunch break today, bring me lunch and play outside with BBZ for a while to burn some energy. She and her family also plan to take BBZ somewhere special with them tomorrow morning, so that should help break up tomorrow a bit too. It's so great to have them nearby.
We plan to go to one of my favorite resale stores this afternoon because they have a play area for BBZ and comfy couches in case I need to nurse LBZ. My biggest worry about taking the 2 boys somewhere is whether or not BBZ will listen to me if I have to sit down and feed LBZ. He is generally a good listener, but there are certainly times when I have to pick him up and carry him out of somewhere and that would be extra hard with a newborn attached to me!
So there is me tooting my horn a little bit about some awesome things that have happened over the last week or so. I'll be sure to fill you in on how my weekend with the boys goes! Be sure to head over to Jill's Blog to see who else has done something awesome this week!
Happy Friday!
Friday, September 30, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
2 Weeks and 3 Days
We are having so much fun!!
LBZ certainly is as much work as any newborn, but we are seriously enjoying every minute with our new family member.
He is nursing like a champ. I am so happy that our nursing relationship is going so well. BBZ and I had such a great nursing relationship, I hoped to have as good of one with LBZ, and so far so good! He nurses about every 2-3 hours around the clock and sometimes surprises me with a 4-5 hour stretch, but it is rare. It's difficult, but I'm managing.
Sleep is such a funny thing. Sure, I need it, but I am operating ok on how much less I am getting than before. I have not been feeling well, which has been wearing me down. I have a bad cough and have a dr appointment this afternoon. Hopefully he can let me know why whatever this is keeps hanging on. LBZ has a cough too, but luckily no fever or anything that would force me to take him to the doctor. I hate that he has this cough, but luckily his immune system is keeping it at bay.
We had BBZ's 3rd birthday party this past weekend, which was so much fun! I was super tired afterwards, but BBZ had such an amazing time, I'm really glad we still had the party. N basically did everything for the party anyway. He did the menu, shopped, prepared all of the food and even did most of the clean-up the next day. It was a lot of work and he pretty much did it all. I love him so much. He has stepped up in so many ways around here lately. I'm one lucky lady.
My mom left yesterday after being here for one day short of a month. It was so great to have her here and I miss her already. I hate that they live so far away. Especially with the boys being so little and changing so much so fast. She will be back after Thanksgiving to watch LBZ for 2 weeks when I go back to work. I wanted to wait a while before sending him to daycare, so since she is coming in town, he will be 3 months old before he has to start. That sure seems so young though!
I am already a little nervous about going back to work. It's still a while away, but the idea of being away from my sweet baby boy sucks. The best thing is that the boys will be together. BBZ is super excited about having his baby brother at his school, and I know and trust this place so much it won't be as though we are leaving him somewhere brand new, but it is still a scary thought.
I'm feeling very anxious about my baby weight. With BBZ, I didn't know how I would lose the weight. I didn't know how long it would take or if it would be easy or hard or anything. It was all unknown. This time, I know I lost it all pretty quickly last time and expect the same now. I am so tired of wearing maternity clothes and sweatpants! I realize that it has only been 2 weeks, but I am getting impatient. I found a post that said I still had 10 pounds left when BBZ was 6 weeks old, so that gives me an idea of where I should be, but I still have 20 pounds to go, and I can't wait to wear real jeans and put my ring back on!
I did manage to squeeze my ring on my finger today for a few hours, but it got tighter and uncomfortable, so I took it off. Hopefully in the next week or so I'll be able to wear it all the time again. I miss my pretty ring!
Overall, we are doing so well. LBZ fits just prefectly in our lives and BBZ seems to love his new role as big brother. I am smitten with my boys and loving life!
LBZ certainly is as much work as any newborn, but we are seriously enjoying every minute with our new family member.
He is nursing like a champ. I am so happy that our nursing relationship is going so well. BBZ and I had such a great nursing relationship, I hoped to have as good of one with LBZ, and so far so good! He nurses about every 2-3 hours around the clock and sometimes surprises me with a 4-5 hour stretch, but it is rare. It's difficult, but I'm managing.
Sleep is such a funny thing. Sure, I need it, but I am operating ok on how much less I am getting than before. I have not been feeling well, which has been wearing me down. I have a bad cough and have a dr appointment this afternoon. Hopefully he can let me know why whatever this is keeps hanging on. LBZ has a cough too, but luckily no fever or anything that would force me to take him to the doctor. I hate that he has this cough, but luckily his immune system is keeping it at bay.
We had BBZ's 3rd birthday party this past weekend, which was so much fun! I was super tired afterwards, but BBZ had such an amazing time, I'm really glad we still had the party. N basically did everything for the party anyway. He did the menu, shopped, prepared all of the food and even did most of the clean-up the next day. It was a lot of work and he pretty much did it all. I love him so much. He has stepped up in so many ways around here lately. I'm one lucky lady.
My mom left yesterday after being here for one day short of a month. It was so great to have her here and I miss her already. I hate that they live so far away. Especially with the boys being so little and changing so much so fast. She will be back after Thanksgiving to watch LBZ for 2 weeks when I go back to work. I wanted to wait a while before sending him to daycare, so since she is coming in town, he will be 3 months old before he has to start. That sure seems so young though!
I am already a little nervous about going back to work. It's still a while away, but the idea of being away from my sweet baby boy sucks. The best thing is that the boys will be together. BBZ is super excited about having his baby brother at his school, and I know and trust this place so much it won't be as though we are leaving him somewhere brand new, but it is still a scary thought.
I'm feeling very anxious about my baby weight. With BBZ, I didn't know how I would lose the weight. I didn't know how long it would take or if it would be easy or hard or anything. It was all unknown. This time, I know I lost it all pretty quickly last time and expect the same now. I am so tired of wearing maternity clothes and sweatpants! I realize that it has only been 2 weeks, but I am getting impatient. I found a post that said I still had 10 pounds left when BBZ was 6 weeks old, so that gives me an idea of where I should be, but I still have 20 pounds to go, and I can't wait to wear real jeans and put my ring back on!
I did manage to squeeze my ring on my finger today for a few hours, but it got tighter and uncomfortable, so I took it off. Hopefully in the next week or so I'll be able to wear it all the time again. I miss my pretty ring!
Overall, we are doing so well. LBZ fits just prefectly in our lives and BBZ seems to love his new role as big brother. I am smitten with my boys and loving life!
Here are some photos from the hospital and the early days as a family of 4!
My girlfriends who visited us in the hospital.
My sweet boys :)
Laura took some beautiful photos for us...
Friday, September 23, 2011
Today, you are 3
Dear Big Brother Z,
Today, my sweet son, you are 3 years old. I can hardly believe you have only been in my life for 3 short years. I feel as though you have been with me and our family my whole life. You are who made me a mommy, and I am so grateful for that!
Suddenly, you are no longer a little toddler. You are so much a little boy I can hardly stand it! I love seeing the new things you do and the way you have grown. You have stepped into your new role as big brother to LBZ so well, I am so proud of you.
You still love fire trucks, although your new love is everything super hero. You love all of the Marvel comic book characters, which has brought back a love of you daddy's that he had somewhat forgotten. He has started buying comics on eBay again :)
You are so kind and gentle and always try to be a friend to kids when you play. You love playing bad guy/good guy and "power bomb" with your daddy. We've had to teach you that "power bomb" is NOT something you play at school. You are rough and tumbly with your daddy, but still come into my room at night and whisper sweetly, "I want you to snuggle wif me, mommy".
While you used to eat every healthy thing in sight, you have become a bit more picky. You have a sweet tooth like your mommy, which only seemed to get worse while I was pregnant. You still eat more fruit than anything else and love you milk, water and occasional apple juice.
You started soccer at your school, but haven't quite got the hang of it yet. Your daddy and I really hope you decide you like it, otherwise we might appear like the moms on "Toddlers and Tiaras" trying to get you to love our sport of choice. A friend got you a t-ball set that you really, really like, so perhaps baseball is your sport of choice. Organized sports is something that I didn't think much about until recently, but now that you are old enough to participate, I can't wait!
You had a hard time napping today and LBZ fussed at the same time, causing me to bring him into bed to nurse while we tried to drift off. Both of you boys fell asleep in my arms. I had you sleeping in one arm and your brother sleeping in the other, and it was so calm and peaceful. It was a precious moment that meant so much to me, especially on such a special day.
Oh BBZ, I just love you so much. I love the little boy you are growing into and can't wait to see what the next year brings! Happy Birthday, my little love.
Love,
Mommy
Today, my sweet son, you are 3 years old. I can hardly believe you have only been in my life for 3 short years. I feel as though you have been with me and our family my whole life. You are who made me a mommy, and I am so grateful for that!
Suddenly, you are no longer a little toddler. You are so much a little boy I can hardly stand it! I love seeing the new things you do and the way you have grown. You have stepped into your new role as big brother to LBZ so well, I am so proud of you.
You still love fire trucks, although your new love is everything super hero. You love all of the Marvel comic book characters, which has brought back a love of you daddy's that he had somewhat forgotten. He has started buying comics on eBay again :)
You are so kind and gentle and always try to be a friend to kids when you play. You love playing bad guy/good guy and "power bomb" with your daddy. We've had to teach you that "power bomb" is NOT something you play at school. You are rough and tumbly with your daddy, but still come into my room at night and whisper sweetly, "I want you to snuggle wif me, mommy".
While you used to eat every healthy thing in sight, you have become a bit more picky. You have a sweet tooth like your mommy, which only seemed to get worse while I was pregnant. You still eat more fruit than anything else and love you milk, water and occasional apple juice.
You started soccer at your school, but haven't quite got the hang of it yet. Your daddy and I really hope you decide you like it, otherwise we might appear like the moms on "Toddlers and Tiaras" trying to get you to love our sport of choice. A friend got you a t-ball set that you really, really like, so perhaps baseball is your sport of choice. Organized sports is something that I didn't think much about until recently, but now that you are old enough to participate, I can't wait!
You had a hard time napping today and LBZ fussed at the same time, causing me to bring him into bed to nurse while we tried to drift off. Both of you boys fell asleep in my arms. I had you sleeping in one arm and your brother sleeping in the other, and it was so calm and peaceful. It was a precious moment that meant so much to me, especially on such a special day.
Oh BBZ, I just love you so much. I love the little boy you are growing into and can't wait to see what the next year brings! Happy Birthday, my little love.
Love,
Mommy
(In your new policeman costume from Meme, which was "just what I wanted, Meme!!")
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Newborn Photos!
My very dear friend, Nikki, over at Purple Lemon Photography, came by last week and took some amazing photos of our little-bit-bigger family.
Click here to check out the preview!
Click here to check out the preview!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
LBZ's Birth Story
On the morning of Wednesday September 7th, I had strong contractions that were 6 minutes apart. I was awakened by them around 3am, got up and moved around, gathered some things I wanted to add to my hospital bag and then it happened again. Everything completely stopped. I crawled back into bed and cried. N was so sweet and caring and supportive. He said everything would happen when it was meant to and while I didn't want to hear it at the time, he was right.
Contractions picked up again on Wednesday and came every 10 minutes like clockwork from 11am-8pm. These contractions while strong enough to stop me in my tracks at times, were not bad enough to interrupt too much of my day. N's sister and family came over with some gifts for us and for the boys and shortly after they left the contractions stopped. I fell asleep early and woke only a few times to use the bathroom. Even BBZ slept all night and slept in. I ended up getting 10 total hours of sleep, which I hoped was gearing me up for some action.
Thursday I did absolutely nothing. I didn't feel like leaving the house and needed some emotional support. I posted a message on my LLL message board and got some kind and positive words from other women whose children were past due. Friends on Facebook sent messages of support and concern, which was so unbelievably wonderful. Every time my phone chimed with a message from Facebook I got excited and felt better after reading it. People are so kind.
Friday morning was my appointment with my OB. I was having contractions again and hoped that he would shed some light on what all of these contractions were doing in there. He hooked me up to the monitor which recorded contractions every 4 minutes. I tried not to get excited, but part of me hoped that he would come back in, check me and tell me I was in labor. That didn't happen.
He came in and seemed unconcerned that I was having these contractions. He checked me and I was still at 3cm, which I had been all week. I tried not to feel let down, but I was again, disappointed. He did an ultrasound and my fluid levels and his heart rate looked just fine to let things keep going. He said he would induce me if I wanted him to and I declined, although it was a little bit tempting. He actually said I could go all the way until next Saturday, which would be 42 weeks and 3 days. I was surprised, but also pretty hopeful that I wouldn't be pregnant that much longer.
When we left the office I felt a new level of power to push on. Now that I knew that contractions I was having weren't doing anything, I decided to completely ignore them. No more timing, no more packing those last minute things. As long as the contractions were not stronger than the ones I had while on the monitor, I planned to go about my day as though nothing was going on.
BBZ is home with us on Fridays now, so N and I headed home and picked up him and my mom and headed to the Zoo! It was such a fun day. It was hard walking around because I was a bit uncomfortable, but emotionally it was the best thing I could have done. I also think that having the confirmation from my OB that things were fine to keep going was a bigger relief than I anticipated. Part of me worried how a baby could handle 2 full days of contractions, but since my doc was so confident, it too gave me the power to push on.
Friday evening was quiet as usual and I headed to bed around 10pm. I was still having the same contractions I had all day, but I was able to fall asleep despite them. At around 12:30am, which was then Saturday morning, I awoke to a very confused and disoriented. I thought I had a contraction that was crazy strong, but since it woke me up I wasn't sure if it was a dream or not. It was a scary feeling. I got up and moved around and felt another one that was quite a bit stronger than the ones I had been having, but not scary strong. I calmed down a bit then.
When a few more came I felt that it was time. I didn't even really time them because the feeling was so much different than it had been. I called the exchange and let them know we were heading to the hospital. I grabbed my last-minute things and let my mom know what was happening. I was remarkably calm, yet eager to get to the hospital. It was an odd sensation to really want to be where he would be born.
We noticed as we drove to the hospital that it was about the same time of night as when BBZ was born. We got there around 1:30am and talked with the nurse until I was taken into a labor and delivery room around 2am. The hospital was apparently very crowded, so the triage was done there.
The nurse hooked me up to the monitor in the room that I would later deliver in. I wasn't very happy about being confined to the bed and voiced this. She said she needed to take a look at him and as long as things were going ok, I could be unhooked soon. I was feeling trapped and held down by the bed, but I managed.
I really wanted to have a heparin lock instead of an IV like I did with BBZ so I could move around. She started to push why I needed the fluids and it seemed as though she wanted to do the IV instead. N and I talked and agreed that I could probably use the fluids too and agreed. The funny thing about this is that she did end up doing a hep lock after all. I'm not sure where the breakdown of communication went, but that wasn't the only time it happened.
The fluids did help me a lot, but laying in the bed was really starting to frustrate me. She unhooked me from the monitor once so I could use the bathroom and I had a contraction on my way back to the bed. I held on to N and swayed back and forth and felt 1000 times better about the pain. It really is amazing how much harder it is to labor in a bed.
When she came back I asked if there was any way I could please move around and that my hope was to have an unmedicated birth and the bed was proving to be really challenging. She said, "would you like to sit on the birthing ball while on the monitor?" Um, yeah! Why she did not suggest this earlier is beyond me, but at least she finally did.
I sat on the ball and faced N who was sitting on the bed. The contractions really started to pick up and I began to vocalize through them. Sometimes I would hum, other times I would giggle and have a sing-song sound come out, and other times it was a louder way to let the pain escape my body. I started to get scared and said to N that I didn't think I could do it. He told me that however the baby comes is fine and that I should do what I needed to. The word epidural came out of my mouth.
At about 3:30am or so, she said that the baby looked good enough for me to stop the fluids and get off of the monitor. I asked her to check me and I was at 7cm. The pain was really, really intense. I vocalized through the contractions and I think I did pretty well during the actual contraction, but in between was when I felt I couldn't go on. Just like in other areas of my life, during the crisis I knew exactly what to do and saved the freaking out for afterwards. I did not mention the epidural to her although I was constantly arguing with myself about whether or not to get it. It was like this thing that kept hanging over my head. She said she would be back around 4am to check on me.
The time between her visits were really, really intense. I kept moving around and changing positions. At one point I ended up on my knees facing the back of the bed. I'd lay my head on a pillow in between the contractions and almost fell asleep a few times. I was pretty sure that this was the transition phase of labor. N massaged my hands during the contractions which helped me refocus the sensation.
The nurse came in around 4:10am and I asked her to check me again. Still at 7cm, I asked for the epidural. I know it had only been 45 minutes or so, but I was frustrated by no progress. While we waited for the doctor, I said that I wasn't sure that I wanted the epidural and the nurse asked if I was changing my mind. I didn't know what to do. Then the contractions took a turn that I had never felt or expected. My body took over and I couldn't control any part of it.
The urge to push was like nothing I had ever felt. A friend told me that the urge to push during labor is as intense as the need to push your bowels, but this urge was way beyond anything I have ever felt. I could not stop the force to push. When you have to move a bowel, your body can say "wait, stop, not yet wait until you get to the bathroom". This urge was absolutely out of my control.
I was very aware and vocal about what was going on with my body and confused about what to do. The nurse told me to not push and I tried to tell her that I had to. She asked if I wanted her to check me again and while I did, the thought of laying on my back for her to do it was terrible. Reluctantly I did and when she put her hand in to check she broke my water. She said there was meconium in the water.
Around the same time the anesthesiologist came in and couldn't find a table to set up the epidural. The nurse said to him "forget the table, find the doctor!" I felt him moving down the birth canal. It was an unbelievable sensation. It's like I knew exactly where in my body he was and how much farther he had to go. She had me pant hard during 2-3 contractions when all I wanted to do was push. I focused my eyes on some small marks on the ceiling behind N and held both his hands while I tried to fight with my body about pushing. The urge would sneak in and try to take over, but I suppressed it. I know this probably doesn't sound like the right thing to do, but strangely, it made me aware of the control I did possess over what was happening. I was holding him in until it was safe to deliver him.
The doctor (not my OB who was still on his way) came in and said he would deliver just as I was laying, which was somewhat crooked on the bed. I pushed hard and the nurse asked me if I wanted to feel his head. I reached down and felt it. I pushed again and he must have crowned. Then the weirdest thing happened. The whole room went silent. I was completely calm. I was strangely aware of everything going on as we all patiently waited for the next contraction to tell me when to push. It was a peaceful and surreal moment that I will never forget.
The next push was hard, but I knew his head was out. They asked me to look down and see him, but I couldn't over my big belly! There was another moment of peace and one more contraction, and with that one I pushed, and there he was. He landed on the bed and still had part of the bag of water wrapped around his head. He was wet and slimy and perfect. It was 4:52am.
I couldn't believe that I actually did it. I was full of emotions and loved hearing his sweet little cry. I didn't feel a huge need to do skin to skin contact or to hold him for a long time right away. I didn't feel disconnected to him the way I did with BBZ, but I also didn't feel a huge connection that I expected either. What I felt was real, and it was ok. I understood everything that was going on around me and well aware of who was there and what was happening.
Shortly after, my OB came in the room. Since he got the message at 2am that I was at a 4 and at a 7 at 4am, I guess he figured he had time to get there, but apparently my body had different plans! He shook my hand and apologized for not being there. I really didn't need him there though anyway. I chose him for his philosophy about natural pregnancy and birthing, but really only needed him if there had been an emergency. Luckily everything went great and it didn't matter who caught him on his way out!
My OB then did an exam to see if I had damage to my perineum. He said I had a small tear on my episiotomy scar that would require a few stitches. I said that my last tear was 3rd degree and he said this one was no where near a 3rd degree. That was such great news considering the issues that arose after my last experience.
One thing I hoped to gain from this birth experience was a healing from my last. I wasn't sure how or if this was possible, but what happened next made a huge impact on the way I viewed my last experience.
He used a local anesthetic to numb the area for the stitches. He began to stitch and I felt the same sensations I felt with BBZ's birth. I felt everything. I felt the needle, I felt the string, I felt everything. The difference? My OB was very concerned about what I was feeling. He was gentle and sensitive and apologized for the discomfort. He gave me more anesthetic and tried to make it as comfortable as possible. Not only did this show me that I was not crazy when I felt the stitches last time, but I also realized how the reaction of my old OB was so different. She never acknowledged that I felt the pain. Almost as though she didn't believe me. I felt like I had done something wrong or that I was being dramatic. The fact that I felt the same sensation was reassuring, empowering, and healing...even though it was painful.
If there was one thing I would change about the whole experience, I would have stayed away from the hospital. If I were to do this again (which is highly unlikely) I would do whatever I could to not have the hospital birth. Just having the epidural as an option caused me anxiety. I think that if the option had been completely off of the table, it would have been an even better experience.
The recovery from this experience has been wonderful. I have a lot of energy, I feel in tune with LBZ, breastfeeding is going wonderfully and I have only been taking Motrin for engorgement and some aches. I have no back pain, I'm not swollen, and I feel unbelievable for having a baby 3 days ago. Everything about this experience is better, and I know it's because my body did what it was built to do.
Another thing I would change is that everything was so fast and so intense, we didn't take any pictures of the birth at all! After he was born I had to remind N to get the camera out! I wish we had taken some, but oh well. The best pictures are in my mind and now a permanent piece of who I am. I am a woman who birthed my child exactly the way I wanted to. I felt him move down my birth canal. I felt him stretch my body physically and emotionally to a point that I never knew I could go. I felt his body slide out of me and saw his first reaction to the world around him. I did it.
Contractions picked up again on Wednesday and came every 10 minutes like clockwork from 11am-8pm. These contractions while strong enough to stop me in my tracks at times, were not bad enough to interrupt too much of my day. N's sister and family came over with some gifts for us and for the boys and shortly after they left the contractions stopped. I fell asleep early and woke only a few times to use the bathroom. Even BBZ slept all night and slept in. I ended up getting 10 total hours of sleep, which I hoped was gearing me up for some action.
Thursday I did absolutely nothing. I didn't feel like leaving the house and needed some emotional support. I posted a message on my LLL message board and got some kind and positive words from other women whose children were past due. Friends on Facebook sent messages of support and concern, which was so unbelievably wonderful. Every time my phone chimed with a message from Facebook I got excited and felt better after reading it. People are so kind.
Friday morning was my appointment with my OB. I was having contractions again and hoped that he would shed some light on what all of these contractions were doing in there. He hooked me up to the monitor which recorded contractions every 4 minutes. I tried not to get excited, but part of me hoped that he would come back in, check me and tell me I was in labor. That didn't happen.
He came in and seemed unconcerned that I was having these contractions. He checked me and I was still at 3cm, which I had been all week. I tried not to feel let down, but I was again, disappointed. He did an ultrasound and my fluid levels and his heart rate looked just fine to let things keep going. He said he would induce me if I wanted him to and I declined, although it was a little bit tempting. He actually said I could go all the way until next Saturday, which would be 42 weeks and 3 days. I was surprised, but also pretty hopeful that I wouldn't be pregnant that much longer.
When we left the office I felt a new level of power to push on. Now that I knew that contractions I was having weren't doing anything, I decided to completely ignore them. No more timing, no more packing those last minute things. As long as the contractions were not stronger than the ones I had while on the monitor, I planned to go about my day as though nothing was going on.
BBZ is home with us on Fridays now, so N and I headed home and picked up him and my mom and headed to the Zoo! It was such a fun day. It was hard walking around because I was a bit uncomfortable, but emotionally it was the best thing I could have done. I also think that having the confirmation from my OB that things were fine to keep going was a bigger relief than I anticipated. Part of me worried how a baby could handle 2 full days of contractions, but since my doc was so confident, it too gave me the power to push on.
Friday evening was quiet as usual and I headed to bed around 10pm. I was still having the same contractions I had all day, but I was able to fall asleep despite them. At around 12:30am, which was then Saturday morning, I awoke to a very confused and disoriented. I thought I had a contraction that was crazy strong, but since it woke me up I wasn't sure if it was a dream or not. It was a scary feeling. I got up and moved around and felt another one that was quite a bit stronger than the ones I had been having, but not scary strong. I calmed down a bit then.
When a few more came I felt that it was time. I didn't even really time them because the feeling was so much different than it had been. I called the exchange and let them know we were heading to the hospital. I grabbed my last-minute things and let my mom know what was happening. I was remarkably calm, yet eager to get to the hospital. It was an odd sensation to really want to be where he would be born.
We noticed as we drove to the hospital that it was about the same time of night as when BBZ was born. We got there around 1:30am and talked with the nurse until I was taken into a labor and delivery room around 2am. The hospital was apparently very crowded, so the triage was done there.
The nurse hooked me up to the monitor in the room that I would later deliver in. I wasn't very happy about being confined to the bed and voiced this. She said she needed to take a look at him and as long as things were going ok, I could be unhooked soon. I was feeling trapped and held down by the bed, but I managed.
I really wanted to have a heparin lock instead of an IV like I did with BBZ so I could move around. She started to push why I needed the fluids and it seemed as though she wanted to do the IV instead. N and I talked and agreed that I could probably use the fluids too and agreed. The funny thing about this is that she did end up doing a hep lock after all. I'm not sure where the breakdown of communication went, but that wasn't the only time it happened.
The fluids did help me a lot, but laying in the bed was really starting to frustrate me. She unhooked me from the monitor once so I could use the bathroom and I had a contraction on my way back to the bed. I held on to N and swayed back and forth and felt 1000 times better about the pain. It really is amazing how much harder it is to labor in a bed.
When she came back I asked if there was any way I could please move around and that my hope was to have an unmedicated birth and the bed was proving to be really challenging. She said, "would you like to sit on the birthing ball while on the monitor?" Um, yeah! Why she did not suggest this earlier is beyond me, but at least she finally did.
I sat on the ball and faced N who was sitting on the bed. The contractions really started to pick up and I began to vocalize through them. Sometimes I would hum, other times I would giggle and have a sing-song sound come out, and other times it was a louder way to let the pain escape my body. I started to get scared and said to N that I didn't think I could do it. He told me that however the baby comes is fine and that I should do what I needed to. The word epidural came out of my mouth.
At about 3:30am or so, she said that the baby looked good enough for me to stop the fluids and get off of the monitor. I asked her to check me and I was at 7cm. The pain was really, really intense. I vocalized through the contractions and I think I did pretty well during the actual contraction, but in between was when I felt I couldn't go on. Just like in other areas of my life, during the crisis I knew exactly what to do and saved the freaking out for afterwards. I did not mention the epidural to her although I was constantly arguing with myself about whether or not to get it. It was like this thing that kept hanging over my head. She said she would be back around 4am to check on me.
The time between her visits were really, really intense. I kept moving around and changing positions. At one point I ended up on my knees facing the back of the bed. I'd lay my head on a pillow in between the contractions and almost fell asleep a few times. I was pretty sure that this was the transition phase of labor. N massaged my hands during the contractions which helped me refocus the sensation.
The nurse came in around 4:10am and I asked her to check me again. Still at 7cm, I asked for the epidural. I know it had only been 45 minutes or so, but I was frustrated by no progress. While we waited for the doctor, I said that I wasn't sure that I wanted the epidural and the nurse asked if I was changing my mind. I didn't know what to do. Then the contractions took a turn that I had never felt or expected. My body took over and I couldn't control any part of it.
The urge to push was like nothing I had ever felt. A friend told me that the urge to push during labor is as intense as the need to push your bowels, but this urge was way beyond anything I have ever felt. I could not stop the force to push. When you have to move a bowel, your body can say "wait, stop, not yet wait until you get to the bathroom". This urge was absolutely out of my control.
I was very aware and vocal about what was going on with my body and confused about what to do. The nurse told me to not push and I tried to tell her that I had to. She asked if I wanted her to check me again and while I did, the thought of laying on my back for her to do it was terrible. Reluctantly I did and when she put her hand in to check she broke my water. She said there was meconium in the water.
Around the same time the anesthesiologist came in and couldn't find a table to set up the epidural. The nurse said to him "forget the table, find the doctor!" I felt him moving down the birth canal. It was an unbelievable sensation. It's like I knew exactly where in my body he was and how much farther he had to go. She had me pant hard during 2-3 contractions when all I wanted to do was push. I focused my eyes on some small marks on the ceiling behind N and held both his hands while I tried to fight with my body about pushing. The urge would sneak in and try to take over, but I suppressed it. I know this probably doesn't sound like the right thing to do, but strangely, it made me aware of the control I did possess over what was happening. I was holding him in until it was safe to deliver him.
The doctor (not my OB who was still on his way) came in and said he would deliver just as I was laying, which was somewhat crooked on the bed. I pushed hard and the nurse asked me if I wanted to feel his head. I reached down and felt it. I pushed again and he must have crowned. Then the weirdest thing happened. The whole room went silent. I was completely calm. I was strangely aware of everything going on as we all patiently waited for the next contraction to tell me when to push. It was a peaceful and surreal moment that I will never forget.
The next push was hard, but I knew his head was out. They asked me to look down and see him, but I couldn't over my big belly! There was another moment of peace and one more contraction, and with that one I pushed, and there he was. He landed on the bed and still had part of the bag of water wrapped around his head. He was wet and slimy and perfect. It was 4:52am.
I couldn't believe that I actually did it. I was full of emotions and loved hearing his sweet little cry. I didn't feel a huge need to do skin to skin contact or to hold him for a long time right away. I didn't feel disconnected to him the way I did with BBZ, but I also didn't feel a huge connection that I expected either. What I felt was real, and it was ok. I understood everything that was going on around me and well aware of who was there and what was happening.
Shortly after, my OB came in the room. Since he got the message at 2am that I was at a 4 and at a 7 at 4am, I guess he figured he had time to get there, but apparently my body had different plans! He shook my hand and apologized for not being there. I really didn't need him there though anyway. I chose him for his philosophy about natural pregnancy and birthing, but really only needed him if there had been an emergency. Luckily everything went great and it didn't matter who caught him on his way out!
My OB then did an exam to see if I had damage to my perineum. He said I had a small tear on my episiotomy scar that would require a few stitches. I said that my last tear was 3rd degree and he said this one was no where near a 3rd degree. That was such great news considering the issues that arose after my last experience.
One thing I hoped to gain from this birth experience was a healing from my last. I wasn't sure how or if this was possible, but what happened next made a huge impact on the way I viewed my last experience.
He used a local anesthetic to numb the area for the stitches. He began to stitch and I felt the same sensations I felt with BBZ's birth. I felt everything. I felt the needle, I felt the string, I felt everything. The difference? My OB was very concerned about what I was feeling. He was gentle and sensitive and apologized for the discomfort. He gave me more anesthetic and tried to make it as comfortable as possible. Not only did this show me that I was not crazy when I felt the stitches last time, but I also realized how the reaction of my old OB was so different. She never acknowledged that I felt the pain. Almost as though she didn't believe me. I felt like I had done something wrong or that I was being dramatic. The fact that I felt the same sensation was reassuring, empowering, and healing...even though it was painful.
If there was one thing I would change about the whole experience, I would have stayed away from the hospital. If I were to do this again (which is highly unlikely) I would do whatever I could to not have the hospital birth. Just having the epidural as an option caused me anxiety. I think that if the option had been completely off of the table, it would have been an even better experience.
The recovery from this experience has been wonderful. I have a lot of energy, I feel in tune with LBZ, breastfeeding is going wonderfully and I have only been taking Motrin for engorgement and some aches. I have no back pain, I'm not swollen, and I feel unbelievable for having a baby 3 days ago. Everything about this experience is better, and I know it's because my body did what it was built to do.
Another thing I would change is that everything was so fast and so intense, we didn't take any pictures of the birth at all! After he was born I had to remind N to get the camera out! I wish we had taken some, but oh well. The best pictures are in my mind and now a permanent piece of who I am. I am a woman who birthed my child exactly the way I wanted to. I felt him move down my birth canal. I felt him stretch my body physically and emotionally to a point that I never knew I could go. I felt his body slide out of me and saw his first reaction to the world around him. I did it.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Welcome to this world...
Little Brother (Luther) Z!!!
At long last,
after an amazing,
empowering,
healing,
unmedicated birth,
My baby boy is here, and my sweet family is complete.
I will share the beautiful story of my second son's birth very soon, but for now, I'm going to go snuggle with my baby!
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Disappointment
Yesterday was my birthday.
Yesterday was the hardest day yet.
After waking up at 3am with pretty strong contractions, I couldn't go back to sleep. I got up to use the bathroom a few times and unofficially started to time the contractions. From 3am until about 6 am they were steady from 8-10 minutes apart, lasting about a minute or so. I figured this was it.
I got up, ate some food, let N know what was going on and took a shower. I was sure this was it. At about 7:30am, things started to slow down a bit. N and I decided to take a walk and took a super long one. The contractions were steady the whole time, but manageable.
Once we got home around 8:30am or so, I had to use the bathroom immediately. After that, I had 2 contractions and then nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was as though the whole morning never happened. I was absolutely devastated.
I thought this was going to be the perfect birthday for both him and me. That we would go to the hospital and he would be born in the same exact place I was 32 years earlier. The disappointment I felt cannot be put into words.
I spent all day sad. I couldn’t break away from the sadness, and I really didn’t have an interest in trying to feel better. I guess this is what depression feels like. I had no interest in doing anything. Not even playing with BBZ, which made me feel even worse.
Luckily, N is an amazing husband and he just took over. Our niece was spending the day with us, so N took her and BBZ to the park. He called around lunchtime and said BBZ wanted Steak N’ Shake and wondered if I wanted to come. I didn’t want to move, but a milk shake did sound delicious!
We went and ate lunch and I still didn’t feel much better. I felt completely deflated. I’m not sure if it was the fact that the labor took my energy or that emotionally I just couldn’t cope. Either way, I laid around the house the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself.
At some point after dinner, I got my strength back. I felt positive again and ready to push on. N and I ran to the grocery store for our weekly fruit trip and he had the best idea in the world. He says “if we, and by ‘we’ I mean mostly you, have to have a few more rough days, we should buy some junk food to help us get by. It will make the days much easier”.
Now let me explain that N and I are very health eaters. Sure we have the occasional cookie or ice cream and what-not, but we do not buy foods with HFCS or lots of sugar because we don’t want it in the house and we really just don’t eat it. He made a good point though that if there is ever a time that we want to throw rules out the window and just try to make life a little more tolerable, now is the time.
Throughout this pregnancy, I have been eyeing those toaster things that have the icing on them. I loved them when I was younger and have just had a taste for them. I have exercised restraint though and avoided such sugar-filled snacks and opted instead for fruit or another healthy alternative.
Well, we have those delicious toaster things in the freezer right now. We also have chocolate donuts and candy corn, two of my favorite snacks in the world. That N sure knows what he is doing.
So today I have new energy. If the week and my mood swings continue as they have, it means that tomorrow will be another bad day, but we’ll have to wait and see.
I’ll see my doctor this afternoon and am looking forward to finding out how long he will let me go without inducing. Neither of us has brought it up, and I assume that 42 weeks is the magic number, but I’m not sure. As much as I want this baby to be born, I really do not want to be induced. Hopefully he will come on his own before we have to do any interventions.
Tomorrow is the magic 7th day, which is how late BBZ was. Will this boy be just like his brother? Will he try to out-do him and go even longer? Or maybe he’ll show up today and surprise us all. Who knows, but I am glad to be in a better place today and hope that I will be holding my sweet baby boy very, very soon.
Yesterday was the hardest day yet.
After waking up at 3am with pretty strong contractions, I couldn't go back to sleep. I got up to use the bathroom a few times and unofficially started to time the contractions. From 3am until about 6 am they were steady from 8-10 minutes apart, lasting about a minute or so. I figured this was it.
I got up, ate some food, let N know what was going on and took a shower. I was sure this was it. At about 7:30am, things started to slow down a bit. N and I decided to take a walk and took a super long one. The contractions were steady the whole time, but manageable.
Once we got home around 8:30am or so, I had to use the bathroom immediately. After that, I had 2 contractions and then nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was as though the whole morning never happened. I was absolutely devastated.
I thought this was going to be the perfect birthday for both him and me. That we would go to the hospital and he would be born in the same exact place I was 32 years earlier. The disappointment I felt cannot be put into words.
I spent all day sad. I couldn’t break away from the sadness, and I really didn’t have an interest in trying to feel better. I guess this is what depression feels like. I had no interest in doing anything. Not even playing with BBZ, which made me feel even worse.
Luckily, N is an amazing husband and he just took over. Our niece was spending the day with us, so N took her and BBZ to the park. He called around lunchtime and said BBZ wanted Steak N’ Shake and wondered if I wanted to come. I didn’t want to move, but a milk shake did sound delicious!
We went and ate lunch and I still didn’t feel much better. I felt completely deflated. I’m not sure if it was the fact that the labor took my energy or that emotionally I just couldn’t cope. Either way, I laid around the house the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself.
At some point after dinner, I got my strength back. I felt positive again and ready to push on. N and I ran to the grocery store for our weekly fruit trip and he had the best idea in the world. He says “if we, and by ‘we’ I mean mostly you, have to have a few more rough days, we should buy some junk food to help us get by. It will make the days much easier”.
Now let me explain that N and I are very health eaters. Sure we have the occasional cookie or ice cream and what-not, but we do not buy foods with HFCS or lots of sugar because we don’t want it in the house and we really just don’t eat it. He made a good point though that if there is ever a time that we want to throw rules out the window and just try to make life a little more tolerable, now is the time.
Throughout this pregnancy, I have been eyeing those toaster things that have the icing on them. I loved them when I was younger and have just had a taste for them. I have exercised restraint though and avoided such sugar-filled snacks and opted instead for fruit or another healthy alternative.
Well, we have those delicious toaster things in the freezer right now. We also have chocolate donuts and candy corn, two of my favorite snacks in the world. That N sure knows what he is doing.
So today I have new energy. If the week and my mood swings continue as they have, it means that tomorrow will be another bad day, but we’ll have to wait and see.
I’ll see my doctor this afternoon and am looking forward to finding out how long he will let me go without inducing. Neither of us has brought it up, and I assume that 42 weeks is the magic number, but I’m not sure. As much as I want this baby to be born, I really do not want to be induced. Hopefully he will come on his own before we have to do any interventions.
Tomorrow is the magic 7th day, which is how late BBZ was. Will this boy be just like his brother? Will he try to out-do him and go even longer? Or maybe he’ll show up today and surprise us all. Who knows, but I am glad to be in a better place today and hope that I will be holding my sweet baby boy very, very soon.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
I put the swing in mood swings
Wow, going past my due date is an insane roller coaster of emotions. I can't believe I was so naive to believe that it would be better this time since I was a week late with BBZ. One day I feel great and like I could go all the way to 42 weeks if needed, and the next day I am contemplating (only halfway seriously) induction.
This is so hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. As much as I want to and planned to take the pressure off of this one day, going past it is pure torture. I go from feeling completely confident in nature to being sure that I have some control over it and must not "want" him to be born enough. This is all just downright irrational.
But I suppose that is to be expected with the amount of hormonal activity going on inside my body right now. I've been through this before, but that doesn't make it any bit easier.
Thursday, 9/1 I spent all day having contractions that ranged anywhere from 8-30 minutes apart. I was sure it would turn into real labor and kept waiting for that. At one point I asked my body to turn into real labor or just stop and so it stopped. Not the answer I wanted, but I was at least able to sleep a while that night and wake up rested.
Friday was super hard as I expected contractions to restart and they didn't. Some friends were throwing a surprise 35th birthday party for another friend at a bar that had a Panic cover band playing. N had planned to go all along unless the baby was here and I had no intention of going either way.
At around 5pm as I laid down on the couch feeling sorry for myself, N suggested I go along too...so I did! We went to a friend's house first and hung out, then headed to the venue. It was so great to get out of the house, hear some awesome music and spend time with friends. It was just what I needed.
Yesterday I felt on top of the world. My best girlfriend came to visit, BBZ took a 3-hour nap, and I really felt ok about being past my date. The thought of going to 42 weeks while scary didn't feel like the end of the world and I felt ok about things.
Today, not so much.
Today I am feeling sorry for myself again. I know all of the rational thoughts but feel all of the hormonal emotions. I know he will come when he is ready, but I want him to be ready now. I know I will not be pregnant forever, but I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I know he must not be quite done, but I feel like he's not being born because I'm not wanting it enough. I know I have no control over when he is born, but I feel like I do and I'm not doing enough to make it happen.
See rational thoughts and hormone-induced feelings.
Tomorrow is my birthday, and I am hoping that I get a sweet baby boy for my birthday, but I guess we will have to wait and see.
I'll end on a positive note that physically, I still feel amazing. I can't believe that I feel this good this late in the game. I am not swollen at all and other than the occasional ache or pain, I feel awesome. It's kind of crazy, so I guess I should be thrilled about that!
This is so hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. As much as I want to and planned to take the pressure off of this one day, going past it is pure torture. I go from feeling completely confident in nature to being sure that I have some control over it and must not "want" him to be born enough. This is all just downright irrational.
But I suppose that is to be expected with the amount of hormonal activity going on inside my body right now. I've been through this before, but that doesn't make it any bit easier.
Thursday, 9/1 I spent all day having contractions that ranged anywhere from 8-30 minutes apart. I was sure it would turn into real labor and kept waiting for that. At one point I asked my body to turn into real labor or just stop and so it stopped. Not the answer I wanted, but I was at least able to sleep a while that night and wake up rested.
Friday was super hard as I expected contractions to restart and they didn't. Some friends were throwing a surprise 35th birthday party for another friend at a bar that had a Panic cover band playing. N had planned to go all along unless the baby was here and I had no intention of going either way.
At around 5pm as I laid down on the couch feeling sorry for myself, N suggested I go along too...so I did! We went to a friend's house first and hung out, then headed to the venue. It was so great to get out of the house, hear some awesome music and spend time with friends. It was just what I needed.
Yesterday I felt on top of the world. My best girlfriend came to visit, BBZ took a 3-hour nap, and I really felt ok about being past my date. The thought of going to 42 weeks while scary didn't feel like the end of the world and I felt ok about things.
Today, not so much.
Today I am feeling sorry for myself again. I know all of the rational thoughts but feel all of the hormonal emotions. I know he will come when he is ready, but I want him to be ready now. I know I will not be pregnant forever, but I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I know he must not be quite done, but I feel like he's not being born because I'm not wanting it enough. I know I have no control over when he is born, but I feel like I do and I'm not doing enough to make it happen.
See rational thoughts and hormone-induced feelings.
Tomorrow is my birthday, and I am hoping that I get a sweet baby boy for my birthday, but I guess we will have to wait and see.
I'll end on a positive note that physically, I still feel amazing. I can't believe that I feel this good this late in the game. I am not swollen at all and other than the occasional ache or pain, I feel awesome. It's kind of crazy, so I guess I should be thrilled about that!
(40 Weeks, 3 Days)
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