Friday, July 9, 2010

One Year Ago Today...

...I returned to a hospital I had been sent home from 15 hours before after being erroneously told that my baby was "sick, but not terminally ill".
...I pumped every 3-4 hours so I wouldn't lose my milk.
...I held my baby down so doctors could perform a painful 20-minute long procedure in an attempt to avoid surgery.  It didn't work.
...I held his limp and exhausted body on mine for an hour while they prepared for surgery.
...I rejoiced in a successful surgery.
...I watched him sleep and promised to never take another moment for granted.
...I knew my life with my son would never be the same.


...I woke up at 4 am with him and again at 6:30am.
...I held him down to change his diaper, an apparently traumatic event the 8 times it happens per day.
...I rushed a crying toddler to the car so we wouldn't be late for school/work.
...I juggled cinnamon bread and a plastic cell phone toy to try and entertain him on our longer drive to school.
...I gave him "one more hug" 3 times before leaving him at school.
...I took a deep breath as I walked down the hall to my car wishing I never had to be away from him.
...I tried to think about what it would be like to not have him in my life, and couldn't. healthy baby boy has no memory of what happened one year ago today.
...I hope I never forget how it felt when he woke up one year ago tomorrow.  I stared into his eyes as he sucked his thumb and stroked my face.  When he is deep in his terrible twos, throwing fits about going for a walk or not, when he is a teenager and doesn't want me anywhere around, I hope to remember that feeling.
...I love you more than I even knew was possible.