We were on our way home from lunch after his camp was over and he just seemed off. Being an empath I am extra sensitive to this and I consider it my superpower. When I am right and the person confides in me it is an honor and assures me that this ability truly is a gift.
So I said it seemed like he had something on his mind and wondered if he wanted to talk about it. After a few I am fines he said he just didn't want to talk about it. Not wanting to push too much I backed off. Although now I knew my sense was right, and that something was bothering him.
You see this was a particularly hard week for me. I experienced a couple of really brutal rejections. I won't go into the details not to be intentionally vague but instead because it doesn't really have much to do with this story. Basically I threw myself into the arena and it did not end the way I hoped it would.
I saw this post on Instagram and as an Enneagram 4 it really resonates with me. I process (i.e. overthink) my rejections not as a way not to control the situation (maybe?🤔) but mostly to truly try to process my feelings. This processing happens a lot when I run.
I always know I will get to that last step of knowing the meaning behind the experience but if I don't go through this processing it can become weeks of darkness and shame, with an unbelievable amount of negative self-talk.
I was pretty stuck in that first one. I know myself well enough to know that I would get to that last piece of finding meaning eventually but I sure was hanging out in that "intense emotional processing" aka "overthinking" place for a while.
After backing off on the conversation with my kiddo for a few minutes I looked over at my boy and took a chance. I said:
"Do you know what shame is?
"Oh sure. It's when... well... it's actually hard to describe."
"Yes it is hard to describe. I think of it as when we do or experience something embarrassing and that we are ashamed of."
He nodded.
I went on and channeled Brene Brown's work, "Do you know what's crazy about shame? We think that by being quiet and holding it in that we are staying safe. Maybe staying safe from further embarrassment and more shame that could come from telling someone what happened. But the thing about shame is that when it is silenced it spirals. When we hold it in it goes deeper and deeper into our minds and can rip us apart. The thing about shame is that it cannot survive in the wild. When we share our shame with a trusted person it shrinks and lightens. It's the opposite of what we think."
"I think I better talk about it then."
He went on to tell me what was on his mind. Like the details around my struggles this week it isn't really important. What is important is that this sweet boy in my car was struggling internally and it was eating his gentle heart alive.
He is a deeply feeling highly emotional kid, which is one of my favorite things about him because he reminds me so much of me. But in this world we live in, people with these types of big beautiful emotions are at risk of so much hurt and rejection. It's what causes us to armor our hearts and be terrified to risk the thought of going through that feeling again. We close off the world and those who mean the most to us out of fear and self-protection. I do not want this for my boy. I do not want him stuffed down into his darkness and shame.
It is through the sharing of the hurt and shame that we feel that frees us. After this talk with my son I called a dear friend who listened intently, validated my feelings, gave me some requested advice and even challenged some of my thought patterns and viewpoints.
The conversation was the final step for me to be able to accept that these rejections have meaning and are either keeping me on or putting me on the path to where my story will go next. Were it not for my friend I may not have made it to that place. At least not as quickly. I am not sure about doubling down on my uniqueness. Maybe that's what this blog is for 😄
After he shared with me what had happened, and I validated his feelings around the rejection he experienced, he said to me:
"I imagine it was probably for the best, and I can trust that it wasn't meant to be."
Way to find that meaning in the experience, buddy.
I also wonder if perhaps his drumming helps him process his feelings like my running does!
