My sweet child and me.

My kids both used to struggle with changes. New school year, new camp, new anything was a little tough and needed some extra love and support during those times. It has been a while since I have noticed they needed this extra support, them being nearly 13 and nearly 16. This week though I noticed my youngest might have been struggling.

We were on our way home from lunch after his camp was over and he just seemed off. Being an empath I am extra sensitive to this and I consider it my superpower. When I am right and the person confides in me it is an honor and assures me that this ability truly is a gift. 

So I said it seemed like he had something on his mind and wondered if he wanted to talk about it. After a few I am fines he said he just didn't want to talk about it. Not wanting to push too much I backed off. Although now I knew my sense was right, and that something was bothering him.

You see this was a particularly hard week for me. I experienced a couple of really brutal rejections. I won't go into the details not to be intentionally vague but instead because it doesn't really have much to do with this story. Basically I threw myself into the arena and it did not end the way I hoped it would.

I saw this post on Instagram and as an Enneagram 4 it really resonates with me. I process (i.e. overthink) my rejections not as a way not to control the situation (maybe?🤔) but mostly to truly try to process my feelings. This processing happens a lot when I run.

I always know I will get to that last step of knowing the meaning behind the experience but if I don't go through this processing it can become weeks of darkness and shame, with an unbelievable amount of negative self-talk. 

I was pretty stuck in that first one. I know myself well enough to know that I would get to that last piece of finding meaning eventually but I sure was hanging out in that "intense emotional processing" aka "overthinking" place for a while. 

After backing off on the conversation with my kiddo for a few minutes I looked over at my boy and took a chance. I said:

"Do you know what shame is?

"Oh sure. It's when... well... it's actually hard to describe."

"Yes it is hard to describe. I think of it as when we do or experience something embarrassing and that we are ashamed of."

He nodded.

I went on and channeled Brene Brown's work, "Do you know what's crazy about shame? We think that by being quiet and holding it in that we are staying safe. Maybe staying safe from further embarrassment and more shame that could come from telling someone what happened. But the thing about shame is that when it is silenced it spirals. When we hold it in it goes deeper and deeper into our minds and can rip us apart. The thing about shame is that it cannot survive in the wild. When we share our shame with a trusted person it shrinks and lightens. It's the opposite of what we think."

"I think I better talk about it then."

He went on to tell me what was on his mind. Like the details around my struggles this week it isn't really important. What is important is that this sweet boy in my car was struggling internally and it was eating his gentle heart alive.

He is a deeply feeling highly emotional kid, which is one of my favorite things about him because he reminds me so much of me. But in this world we live in, people with these types of big beautiful emotions are at risk of so much hurt and rejection. It's what causes us to armor our hearts and be terrified to risk the thought of going through that feeling again. We close off the world and those who mean the most to us out of fear and self-protection. I do not want this for my boy. I do not want him stuffed down into his darkness and shame. 

It is through the sharing of the hurt and shame that we feel that frees us. After this talk with my son I called a dear friend who listened intently, validated my feelings, gave me some requested advice and even challenged some of my thought patterns and viewpoints.

The conversation was the final step for me to be able to accept that these rejections have meaning and are either keeping me on or putting me on the path to where my story will go next. Were it not for my friend I may not have made it to that place. At least not as quickly. I am not sure about doubling down on my uniqueness. Maybe that's what this blog is for 😄

After he shared with me what had happened, and I validated his feelings around the rejection he experienced, he said to me:

"I imagine it was probably for the best, and I can trust that it wasn't meant to be."

Way to find that meaning in the experience, buddy.

I also wonder if perhaps his drumming helps him process his feelings like my running does! 

We are cut from the same cloth, my sweet child and me 💖

I'd better go see.

I'm a story teller at heart. I love connecting with others through the telling of stories especially about my various adventures. A kind coworker asked me how I was doing today, and really wanted to know, especially about my running and physical activity. So I told her about my newest adventure. 

Rock climbing. 

My first time climbing.

This could be as high as I got.

So the story begins maybe a year ago when my buddy started climbing and asked me to join. I wasn’t interested in adding another time consuming activity into my week so I passed. While I was in the midst of some hard trail training I think I was also reluctant to try something new. Trying a new physical activity is a very vulnerable thing. Being willing to suck at something for a while is tough, and I’m learning that I need to be in a pretty good headspace to take something like this on. I said no to my friend’s invitation. For a long time. 

Fast forward to the last 6 weeks post DNF and while I already feel like my body sucks at everything why not prove it by trying something new? Hahaha 

I went with my friend 2-3 times and at the end of the last time I said something along the lines of “I don’t think I like it”. I wasn’t ready to give up yet but I was close. 

Then last Friday morning I went for a run and it felt amazing. I’m slowly getting back to running and while the Friday run was short it was a good solid run. I knew my friend and I were going to climb later that night so I spent the run visualizing myself climbing to the top of the rock wall really strong. I actually pictured it in my head and decided that I would take one step at a time, stay out of my head and was going to make myself push through the fear. 

That lasted only about few hours 😂

By the afternoon I had lost all of that confidence. I again questioned if I could really do it and wouldn’t I get half way up and freeze again? My hands will hurt. It’s too much disappointment. I suck at it. All of this negativity screaming so loudly inside my head. 

There was a point when I was texting my friend about meeting up that I actually typed “or we can just wait until tomorrow to go” but I didn’t send that text. I hit the back button and instead finalized our plans.

We made it to the climbing gym and I was both fearful and determined. Armed this time with my own equipment and new-to-me shoes. After watching my friend climb to the top of a wall I clipped myself into that wall shown above and started climbing. I took one step at a time, one hand, one foot, one climb and before I knew it I was higher up than I had ever been. 

Then I tried another wall, and another. And another. All of them the same. One step, one hand, one foot, one climb at a time. Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe. Make it to the top.

As we were leaving we decided to try the 2-story wall. My friend climbed to the top as I watched. I needed to get home to the kids but I saw the red course and said I wanted to try it before we left. 

I climbed it one step, one hand, one foot, one climb. Breathe. One step at a time and before I knew it I was at the top. It was intoxicating. 

I was chatting with another friend this week and he was bragging on his life partner and how she is always fearful and does things anyway. This is so me. I’m afraid of everything. I’ve always been the worst case scenario thinker which has disrupted my natural enthusiasm to live an adventurous life. I have to make myself do the thing.

Many of the cliches I’ve shared have been what I need to hear. Do the thing that scares me. Do it scared. Life begins in the other side of our comfort zone. On the other side of fear is where the magic happens. 

For me, whatever I’m looking for might just be at the top of that rock wall.

I'd better go see. 

On my way up the 2-story wall

The top of the red route 💖

Taking a Long Hard Look

It’s been 10 days since I toed the start line for my 3rd attempt to finish the LOViT 100-mile foot race. I’ve been debating whether to even write this out, since every time I begin to write it in my mind it always sounds like I’m making excuses for not finishing. That’s right, for the third time I failed to finish this race. I could list all of the reasons out but in reality, my whole race was a shit show from the start, and the short story is that I quit. I made it 72 miles but if I’m honest I quit long before that. 

I’ve chatted with my closest people about this and have taken some time to process the extreme disappointment, both in the race and in myself, and have made peace with this race and am ready to put it behind me. 

We sign up for these races to finish for sure, but the hope is that is not all we gain from these experiences. If we sign up to finish and we don’t, and we wallow in our sadness and despair swearing off these big races forever, what good becomes of that? I went to a pretty dark place this week, darker than the last few times this happened. I sign up for these races to learn about who I am deep down inside. Nothing strips away the facade of a seemingly perfect life than facing the reality that comes along with staring down a distance that’s just out of reach. 

Perhaps the journey comes with all the things we need to learn whether we finish or not. How often do we hold a mirror up to ourselves and truly try to understand why we do the things we do and explore what it really is that is standing in the way of us meeting our goals. 100 mile races hold that mirror right up in my face and say, see that? That’s you stripped down. You think you’re strong? Take a look at the parts that hide under that strong exterior. Take a long hard look.

So instead of listing the reasons I didn’t finish I’m going to list the things I learned during this race. 

• One can simply have a really bad race day. 
• I can outrun blister pain. 
• The bad news is that no one is coming to save me. The good news is that I can learn how to save myself. 
• Caffeine is a magic pill for me. 
• I need to learn how my body processes salt, electrolytes and fuel while racing. 
• My friends will always show up for me. Always. 
• Nate loves me, even when I feel the most unlovable. My phone died at the race and when I stopped at 72 my friend handed me my charged phone and I saw a text from him that simply said “I love you ❤️” He didn’t know I had stopped so in that moment where I felt physically and mentally defeated, I felt loved. And whether I finish a race or not he will always see me as lovable.
• I have accomplished things in this life that are more impactful than finishing 100 miles will ever be. 
• And finally, while I may not ever finish a 100-mile race, I will certainly never finish a race that I am too afraid to start.