Saturday, December 13, 2008

I survived my first week back at work...barely

Well I did it, I successfully went back to work after having a baby. I must say while it was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done, it wasn't quite as bad as I expected. Monday morning went pretty smoothly...BBZ woke up around 6am, I fed him and put him back to bed while I got ready. I woke him up around 7:45, got him dressed, fed him again around 8am and left for work. My mom is staying with us and watching him during the day. I called a couple times and things were going well. Work was actually pretty great. Everyone had nice things to say about how cute BBZ is and how great I look...people are so kind. Many of the new moms asked several times how I was doing, and pumping in the office was really easy. He is having trouble with the bottle, so I stopped by Target on the way home to get some more bottles and some diapers. I hate that my day was stretched even 20 minutes longer...I couldn't wait to get home! I arrived home and it didn't seem like BBZ realized who I was at first. He started to cry and I sat down and fed him. He was really happy after that. The rest of the week went pretty similar, the most difficult part is that he will not easily take a bottle. My mom tried everything, but on Thursday he only took 2 ounces all day! I had a dream Thursday night that people left me all alone somewhere. I was heartbroken and lonely and didn't understand why the people left me there with no explanation and no knowledge if I would see them again. I woke up feeling all of those feelings and decided that was exactly how BBZ felt all week when I left. I tortured myself all day Friday. How could I make it through the whole week and on Friday start feeling so sad? It was so hard to get through Friday. I knew we would get the whole weekend together, so it felt like Friday was creeping by. I got home and held BBZ. He cried and I fed him. I read in one of my back-to-work books that babies will often be happy during the day and cope with the stresses of being away from their nursing mother, to finally let go of all those stressors when they see mommy. I tell myself that is why he cries when he sees me. We went to hang with friends last night and at around 7:45pm, BBZ begins crying. I cannot console him. I try everything, and finally about 40 minutes later he begins to calm down. I ended up using a soothing method my mom said worked for her...can I no longer console my crying baby after just one week? Why does her method work better when the ones I used the other 11 weeks were all that worked for him? All of these questions make me feel like he's telling me this is too hard for him. While it is so much easier to blog about my worries, I feel the need to point out to myself the good parts from the week. BBZ took 4 ounces on Friday, compared to the 2 ounces on Thursday. My mom says he is happy and in great spirits 90% of the day. He has adjusted much better to my being away than my mom expected, which to me shows that he is healthy. I think things will be ok. As a last positive note, BBZ's name came off of the waiting list for the University City Child Center, which means he can start there in January. This was our first choice, but the wait list had us worried that he would have to start somewhere else first and move to U City. The place is incredible. They have a huge facility, have classrooms integrated with kids with disabilities, offer scholarships to low income families and have the diversity of U City that we love. They do both a home visit to see the child in their home environment and a 1/2 day orientation for the child and family. As a parent I am required to spend a certain amount of time in the classroom with BBZ over the year. This place is even better than I imagined. I am really excited for him to start. Maybe he will do better if he is out of the house, where I was with him all day, and in a completely new environment. I hope so!

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