Companion to the Wind

Dinner at the Z house

2012-02-01T22:31:00.000-06:00

When I was growing up, we ate dinner together every single night. This may have changed when I was in high school and my dad commuted home from out of town on the weekends, but for the majority of my life, dinner together sitting at the table was our way of life.

I didn't realize how important this was to me and to who I am until N and I moved in together. I remember once getting my feelings terribly hurt because he ate dinner without me and didn't even ask what I wanted! It was so ingrained in me to have that time together, it never occurred to me that anyone did anything differently.

Our first house did not have a casual kitchen, but rather a dining room which was just a few feet from our family room where the TV was. Our routine quickly became eating in front of the TV. When BBZ was born and began eating solid food, we would usually sit in the dining room and eat while BBZ was in his high chair.

He ate in his high chair until we moved into our new house. At that time we set up a little table in the small living room where he began to eat his snacks. I remember having him eat at the table with us a few times, but I quickly learned that he would eat all of his food and often twice as much if he was in front of the TV. Having a child in the 10th-25th percentile in weight makes way for bad habits like this. Especially since it seemed to help him eat.

So this became our normal. He ate every meal at home in front of the TV either at the coffee table or at his little table, depending on what room he was in. Since I cook dinner (nearly) every night, we all ate at the same time, but BBZ would eat in the little room watching his show. I was huge and pregnant and would sit at the table since it was easiest, and N would sit in the big room watching what he wanted to watch.

I always knew we would sit together as a family eventually. I figured it would happen at some point, but I made the decision to change the way we eat when I noticed the way BBZ started behaving in restaurants. We like to go to restaurants and often do on the weekends. BBZ's behavior was starting to ruin our meals out. He wouldn't sit still, would crawl under the table, would constantly complain and would barely eat a few bites of food. I realized that the only time I was teaching him how to sit at the table was about once/week when we ate out. Little Mister was not learning a thing.

So one weekend night I told N that I wanted to start eating dinner together as a family at the table in our dining room. He was on board, so one Saturday night I cooked dinner and called to everyone that it was ready. BBZ went to sit at his little table to watch his movie and I let him know that we were going to eat at the table together rather than in from of the TV. What happened next, I did not see coming.

He threw a fit. And I don't mean a small fit, I mean a 45-minute long screaming fit about wanting to watch a movie. I was totally unprepared for it. Once I said it though, I had to stick to my guns, so I did. Eventually he calmed down and came to the table to eat. I kept saying to N that I just didn't see that coming. I really didn't think it was a big deal. I had no idea that he was that stuck on his routine. Crazy. Had I known I would have talked about it all day or lead up to it or something. Whew, lesson learned.

The next night he came to the table for dinner with no questions. He did say to me though, "is this better, mommy?" "Better than what?", I said. "Better than me screaming?" It sure was :)

Other than the occasional question about watching a movie at dinner time, the new routine is working beautifully. He still wiggles and moves and doesn't eat as well as he does in front of the TV, but I think the trade off is definitely worth it. He's still a skinny-mini at only 30 pounds at 3 years old, but I think this is building a routine that our family will follow for years to come. LBZ is already sitting at the table with us in his little high chair, so it really is a family dinner. I've even nursed him at the table while eating my dinner. It is dinner time for all of us, after all.

BBZ still eats breakfast every day and lunch on the weekends in front of the TV. He also has a family style meal with his friends for lunch at school. I figure as long as he has one meal a day with all of us, I have time to teach him how to behave at a table. It's been about a month or so now, and I know things will just keep improving.

I actually asked him one of the first nights during dinner what happens when he gets up from the table at school and he says to me..."I don't get up from the table at school", like the idea of him doing so was completely absurd. Ha, I guess I should be happy that he reserves his naughty behavior for us at home! At least I can be the one teaching him my expectations this way.

I might be a hippie, but...

2012-01-30T15:35:00.000-06:00

I talked with a friend not too long ago about the things we do and don't do with regard to parenting. I would definitely say that some of the things I practice are hippie-esque. In fact, many of the things I did before I had kids might be described as in line with a hippie lifestyle. I met my husband while following a band. We've seen the same band, followed quite publicly by hippies, at least 60 times. We saw 6 shows in 7 days in 3 cities during one run, which included Widespread Panic and The Dead. That was awesome.

So it isn't a big surprise that many of the things I practice as a mother are similar in categorization. Attachment parenting might be another way to categorize many of the things we do.

I'm definitely a natural birthing, extended breastfeeding, baby wearing, non-circumcising, non cry-it-outing, cloth diapering and gentle disciplining mama.

...BUT...

There are also many things that might be considered hippie-esque or in line with attachment parenting that we don't practice. For example, we don't delay vaccines. We don't co-sleep. While I feed my household whole and healthy foods, I do not buy organic. We go to McDonald's sometimes. I work full-time outside of the home. There are things that might be expected of someone "like me" that just aren't things that I do.

We all have our *things*.

I'm not going to go into why I do the things I do, or why I don't do the things I don't do. They are decisions I have made for various very personal reasons. In it's most basic description, I've done the things that feel right to me. That make sense to me. That my doctor and I agree on. That my husband and I think is best for our family. The beauty of living in the country that we do is the basic fundamental right to make the decisions we have all made for our families.

I'm talking about this for no particular reason, just as a reminder to myself and to others that no one has it all figured out. Categorizing the things I do doesn't mean assumptions can be made about ALL of the things that I do. Or that anyone else does for that matter. And we don't need to take so many things in life so seriously.

Here's a clip from a show called Portlandia, that is a new favorite of mine. I love how it exaggerates eating locally grown food, something we do try and do, especially when eating out. I love it.

I hope everyone is having a good Monday!

What we've been up to lately.

2012-01-19T11:37:00.000-06:00

It’s been a while since I’ve done a good ol’ fashion update of what we’ve been up to. I realized today also that my mom and I haven’t talked in like, 2 or 3 weeks, which is crazy! We usually talk much more frequently than that. So she and my dad probably don’t know what we’ve been up to lately.

We signed BBZ up for private swim lessons at his school. He swims once/week with his class and his teacher is also a private swim instructor. BBZ is an extremely cautious little boy. This is good in some ways and not-so-good in other ways. He is very reluctant to try new things. His teacher describes him as a charmer who talks his way out of doing what he doesn’t want to do, especially during the group swim class. She asked me a few times about wanting to work with him one on one, and I really think she just wants to get her hands on him in a private session to gently force him to face his fears about the water. I am really, really happy about this because we do a lot of swimming activities in the summer with our friends, and I would like him to be comfortable in and around the water.

I think that some of his reluctance to try new things is just his personality, but I also think I may have been a bit too helicopter-y with him in his early years. As I have mentioned before, I am a worrier. I don’t worry about the typical things a child might do while exploring the world around him, I worry about the catastrophic things that rarely happen to kids. Some of it might be that I work in the disability field, so the reality of what can happen is in my face daily. But I also come from a long line of worriers, so some of it is in my blood.

I’m really trying to work on the language that I use and pay attention to how it affects BBZ’s willingness to explore his world. We were at the Zoo not too long ago and he was climbing on this big metal spider web looking playground equipment. I saw him going higher and I could feel my anxiety increasing. My mind began to picture him falling, but not scraping his knee or bruising his elbow, but rather him knocking out all of his teeth and/or ending up with a traumatic brain injury and permanent paralysis.

Yes I realize how irrational that is.

So as I felt my anxiety increase, I didn’t want to squash his desire to explore, so rather than saying my usual “be careful, honey” thus causing him to realize there was danger where he was and perhaps causing him to stop immediately and becoming afraid of an otherwise safe situation, I said “pay attention to what you are doing, honey. Look at where your feet are and where your hands are and plan your next step”. And that he did. He climbed higher and higher and then back down without any trouble.

The next thing I want to work on is my initial reaction to this because I really believe that my energy contributes to how comfortable or uncomfortable he is in a given situation. No, I don’t think he can read my mind, but I do think that he feeds off of my energy. I would love to genuinely feel comfortable when he is in a situation like this, so I am working on thinking in my head “he will be ok, he will be ok” rather than jumping to the thoughts of him seriously injuring himself. Baby steps.

*****
We (or really N) are taking on the job of re-tiling our front foyer. Our tile is now a bright shade of blue, which I don’t mind, but N has disliked since we moved into our house. He has been working on breaking up the tile all week, and his parents are coming over on Saturday to lay the new tile. Well, N and his dad will lay the tile, N’s mom and I will spend the day playing with the boys. Then we have N’s work holiday party Saturday night, so N’s parents will do the babysitting thing for us. We picked out the tile last night and I can’t wait to see it all done!

*****
N’s 35th birthday was Monday, and I bought him tickets to the Todd Snider show to celebrate. Todd generally comes to our city in January, so this is the 3rd time I’ve bought tickets for us for his birthday. It was a great show. He is such a fun performer and seems to love coming to our city.

We were sitting in the balcony waiting for the show to start (and people watching) when we saw a group of 3 grey-haired women sit down in the front balcony row. One woman had tiny little binoculars that she used to look at the stage set-up before the show. We thought this was funny because the hall where we were was quite small. We kind of giggled at them and moved on.

Next we watched a grey-haired man come in and also sit in the front row of the balcony. He had huge, and I mean HUGE binoculars hanging around his neck. Again we poked fun and him and laughed at his expense. I ran off to the bathroom and when I came back N said “you won’t believe this, those binoculars are full of whiskey”. Apparently, when I was gone, N saw him open the lens cap and pour some whiskey into his soda cup. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. We vastly underestimated that guy.

*****
LBZ is unbelievably close to rolling over. I’m not sure when babies usually do this. I think it’s around 3 months or so and LBZ is 4 months, but I’m not worried about that. I’m not worried about his development at all. If there is anything I have learned about kids it’s that they will do things at their own pace. I may worry about them getting hurt, but developmentally I know my boys are right where they should be. Anyway, we were at N’s sister’s house celebrating his birthday and LBZ was playing on the floor. He was so close! I thought for sure he’d roll all the way onto his tummy, but not yet! It’s so fun looking forward to all that is to come!

*****
I ordered my winning diapers yesterday and can’t wait to get them! The ones for the commenter are being mailed directly to her. I am so excited about this! I don’t really need extra diapers, so I think I will sell some of my older ones on Craig’s List and keep the new ones since LBZ has at least 2 years left in diapers. Some of the first BGs I bought are starting to lose their elastic and I know I could replace it, but since I won 6 new diapers I don’t really need to! This way someone can have some used, but still in good condition, cloth for cheap. I love cloth diapering. The new colors I bought are ones I haven’t seen in person before, so I can’t wait for them to come.

*****
N and I contracted some kind of stomach sickness last week. It sucked. It hit me about 3 hours before it hit N and we were up all night. Luckily, it somehow missed the boys. LBZ had his doctor appointment scheduled for the next day and while I was incredibly dehydrated and still woozy from the illness, I didn’t want to cancel the appointment and use even more sick time, so I took him anyway. What other place should I go then to a doctor office after being sick anyway, right? LBZ got shots that day, so I really didn’t want to take him to school afterwards, especially since I was going to be home anyway. I hanitized (which is a cute combination of the words hand and sanitizer that BBZ invented) like crazy and hoped that he wouldn’t get it.

LBZ managed to avoid it, but his teacher wasn’t so lucky. She actually went to the hospital for it about 3 days after we had it. I hope we didn’t give it to her, but somehow it could have been in LBZ’s classroom and he managed to avoid it. Thank goodness! I’d hate to see a little baby as sick as we were.

*****
I know I have mentioned BBZ’s love for Legos. After seeing a commercial for the new Lego Forest Police and Fire Station line, N went onto Amazon and bought the Forest Fire Truck. No, BBZ doesn’t really need more Legos especially after Christmas, but I don’t think N could help himself. Maybe Legos for N are kind of like cloth diapers for me. Hmm.

Anyway, so N ordered it online. This is a difficult concept for my 3-year-old to grasp. He could not understand why the mailman didn’t bring the fire truck THAT DAY. This was last week and with the holiday on Monday, the darn thing didn’t come until yesterday. It was pretty hard to help BBZ understand that it had to come from the warehouse to the post office there to our city then to our post office than to our house. Whew, that was a lot for a little person to process! He survived though, and now we have a Lego Forest Fire Truck to play with. He is one happy camper.

*****
I have a lot coming up this weekend. Tonight is my La Leche League meeting, tomorrow I’m having sushi with 2 of my girlfriends, and Saturday is N’s work holiday party that I mentioned. We’re certainly staying busy!

I hope all is well in everyone else’s part of the world!

Videos of the boys

2012-01-16T19:52:00.000-06:00

I have been taking videos of LBZ periodically, but I haven't posted any of them. I'll go back and post some of the early ones one day, but for now, this is our sweet 4-month-old doing what he does best. Blowing Raspberries! He is so stinkin' cute!

One thing BBZ has loved to do since he was about 2 is look at various videos on youtube. It started with fire trucks and emergency vehicles and has now become Legos and reviews of Legos. The reviews are what he is really into. It's really just people on TV playing with and talking about their Legos, and he loves it. He decided to do his own review and it turned out awesome. I love how he starts with "Hello, Lego fans". Man, I love him!

I won, I won, I won!!!

2012-01-16T09:15:00.000-06:00

And the winner is...... ME!!!

That's right, I won the diaper contest! I didn't win first place, BUT, Jennifer Labit, the owner of Cotton Babies and creater of Bum Genius, Flip and Econobum thought my post about cloth diapering was:

"my favorite post (based on amazing content and one of the best pictorial guides to cloth diapering I’ve ever seen) and the mama who will be receiving 6 cloth diapers for herself, 6 cloth diapers for a commenter, and an invitation to have her content republished on the Cotton Babies blog"

Woo Hoo!!! I worked really hard on this post and am so happy that it was as clear and as easy to follow and I'd hoped it would be. I am so excited to have this post be a part of the Cotton Babies blog.

Check out this post about the other winners and see how many people we reached with this contest. The word really is spreading!

Now onto the important stuff...there's another winner among us! I used this random gererator to choose a winner from the original 16 comments on the blog. And the winner is...

Enter a lower limit:
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Random Number:

Carrie S! Congrats to you, too! Send me an email and we'll figure out how to get you your 6 BumGenius diapers!

Little Brother Z is 4 Months Old!!

2012-01-11T20:27:00.000-06:00

Dear Little Brother Z,

My, oh my, this time is flying by! I cannot believe it is already 4 months since you were born. It seems like you have always been with us! Your sweet smile melts my heart :)

You and those fingers! I love it. I know I ay hate it one day, but for now, it allows you to sleep longer and better and looks so stinkin' sweet.

Again, all smiles! You are still miraculously sleeping awesome, but every now and then you do wake up in the night and are so happy to see me! You don't cry when you wake either. You lay in your crib and coo and talk and suck those fingers until I come in and see you. Then you charm me with those big blue eyes and smiles and you get me every time!

Your first Christmas was so much fun. And I know from experience with your brother that they will only get better.

You absolutely love bath time! We had to get you a different bathtub because the one your brother used sat you up too much. You want to lay on your back, stretch your legs out and kick, kick, kick! This is especially true when you are naked, so bath time is the perfect opportunity!

In fact, this was the first time I bathed you and your brother at the same time! It probably wasn't the best idea for me to try this without your daddy around, because it was harder than I thought it would be! You sure loved it, though.

You love your big brother so much! You just light up when you see him. He'll lean down and talk to you at your level and you just eat it all up. You grab things with those cute chubby fingers and have just started to pat my face while you nurse. I just love that :)

I took this picture one evening when I was making dinner. You like to be near me in the evening, so I had you in the kitchen with me...

As soon as I took it, it reminded me of this one of BBZ. BBZ is exactly the same age as you in this photo and wearing the same clothes! I can't believe how alike you look in these!

You are a bit smaller than he was, though. You weighed in at 13lbs, 9oz which is the 25th percentile. Your doctor isn't worried though. I can't help but worry that you're not getting enough breast milk, but you are healthy and happy and I'm sure you're developing just fine :) You are also 25 inches long.

Oh sweet baby Lu, we are still having so much fun with you! While I am happy that you started sleeping all night when you started daycare, I sure do miss those middle of the night times with you. I've done this before though, so I know sleeping all night is not something that will last forever, so I guess I will enjoy it while it lasts.

I love you baby Lu and can't wait to see what is to come!

Love,
Mommy

I can't quite put my finger on it.

2012-01-05T22:00:00.001-06:00

I have been feeling rather, well. Hmm. I really can't find a word for it. Sad a little, melancholy perhaps. Disappointed? I just can't quite figure it out.

You see, I had some really high hopes for the new year. I knew I had a week off work, the Christmas holiday, lots of time to sleep in or stay in my jam jams all day...I just knew I would feel great and ready to take on a new year come January 2nd.

What I got instead was quite disappointing. I had an amazing time over vacation. Both boys were great. BBZ napped, LBZ laughed. We went places and laughed and slept in and cuddled and were together as a family should be. Rather than feeling refreshed from that, I can think of nothing but going back.

On Monday morning, I drove the boys to school and on the way I said that it was time to go back to the "real world". It's something we all say so casually, I didn't think much of how BBZ interpreted it.

On our way home Monday evening, I heard BBZ mumbling in the back seat. The child can talk loud as can be, but he often talks very quietly in the car as though he kind of wants me to hear him but not really. I heard him say "I don't like the real world. The real world is not my favorite place." That's exactly how I feel.

I don't like the real world either. I think that's another difficult thing for me to accept. This is our life. I am a working mom. I will spend the majority of my awake time away from my children. This is the way it was with BBZ, and this is the way it will be for LBZ too, for all of us. This is the life we have chosen. Reality has set in.

I imagine that I will adjust and things will get better. That I will find new energy and be ok with our decision to raise our family this way. I know it will improve as it did with BBZ. I guess I just hoped it would when the new year came. But it has come and gone, and I am still here, missing my toddler asking me to put his legos together for him. Wishing I could hold my sweet nursing baby as he begins to reach our and touch my face during nursing sessions. Desperately wishing that I could have it all, with the reality that I cannot.

I'm reading others' blogs that seem to have it all figured out for the new year and I am insanely jealous of that refreshed, energized and excited feeling that I hoped would come. I almost feel like this is my first week back after maternity leave. I just read something else about the idea of a "holiday hangover" when the excitement of the holidays leaves a let-down feeling afterwards. Maybe that's it.

I am looking forward to the weekend. We hold a Holiday party for all of our friends each year the weekend after New Years. This Saturday is the party and I just can't wait to see all of our friends and catch up on how every one's holidays were. BBZ's best friends will be at our house and the new babies of 2011 will be there too. It should be a great time.

I also hired our house cleaner back after 4 months of "cleaning" the house myself. I always resisted paying for someone to clean the house because I felt I should be able to keep up with the housework as a wife. Like it was my responsibility or something. I guess it still is my responsibility, I've just decided that it's worth it to pay someone else to do it. Since N and I keep our money basically separated, I really use my money to pay her. I still have the feeling of independence for making that happen, even though I don't have to really do much.

Just typing that out made me excited about re-hiring her. I had never, since I lived with my mom anyway, ever come home to a house that had been cleaned for me. I remember the feeling the first time we hired her, and it was awesome. The floors shined, the bathrooms sparkled, it was heavenly.

So those are a few things to look forward to this weekend.

But then I will be back at work again, for another full week. I was pumping awesome at the beginning of the week, and it gave me such joy to stop my day and think of sweet LBZ nursing. But it also made me feel sad that I wasn't with him. Then on Wednesday I got so caught up in something that I forgot to pump! I remembered before long, but I was about an hour later than usual. My body didn't even tell me to stop and pump, which is what usually happens. It was weird and kind of freaked me out.

I'm not worried about my milk supply. I'm now only pumping twice a day and I could easily pump more either in the morning or even add another time during the day if needed. I just hate that I worked right through it!

LBZ had his first ear infection in December and is working on his second. I picked him up from school on Wednesday and his teachers said he was a bit fussy and was pulling on his ear. He is such a happy baby, we all thought that the ear infection was back. Turns out that he has fluid in his ears that will more than likely become an ear infection, but for now it's not. It could still be causing him pain though.

So I took him to the doctor and decided to just keep him home all day anyway. He was pretty fussy and clingy and apparently, needed mommy. I needed him to. Holding this sweet boy while he sleeps makes me so stinkin' happy.

So I know things will get better. I'm sure I will be energized again next week. But maybe the expectation was too high. Maybe I'll concentrate on being energized just on Monday and go from there. We'll see :) The weekend is right around the corner!

December in Pictures

2012-01-02T14:57:00.000-06:00

I can't believe how rarely I blogged in December. I guess we have just been really busy. It's been hard being back at work...I don't want to waste any time that I am home, so I am constantly snuggling with one of my boys. Blogging has taken a back seat, I suppose.

I have also been falling asleep with BBZ almost every single night. Now that LBZ has a much, much easier bedtime routine, BBZ usually gets my full attention at bedtime again. He's so snuggly at bedtime, I guess I can't help myself!

So being in bed by say, 9pm and being awake for maybe 10 minutes before the boys wake up leaves hardly anytime to blog. Although I did punch out a detailed cloth diapering post for a contest. That was a must though :)

We were also able to spend a lot of time with family this month and since I usually post to keep family informed of what we are up to, I didn't feel the same need as other months. Just another thing I love about December!

Luckily, I did remember to take lots of pictures!

Here we are at the tree lot, choosing our perfect 2010 Christmas tree.

I can't believe how big BBZ looks in these pictures. He's such a little man!

The tree in it's perfect place :)

LBZ visited his daycare classroom for the first time this day while we went to the tree lot. He did great and has been enjoying being at school. He did watch us put the tree up though!

My parents bought us this awesome electric fireplace for our anniversary. It's so great! It's a space heater, so it really does heat up the big room. The room is all windows, so it gets pretty cool on this side of the house. Plus I love how it looks like a real fireplace! Isaac is wearing his steal-your-face t-shirt, but if you ask him what's on his shirt he proudly says "it's my rip your face off t-shirt". He cracks me up!

For the past few years we have done a gingerbread house with my mom. She tends to be in town at least for a short while around the holidays, so we try to do it when she is here.

BBZ made his first menorah and was very interested in celebrating Hanukkah this year. For those of you who don't know, BBZ and LBZ go to school at a Jewish Community Center. Neither N or I are Jewish, but besides what our parents raised us celebrating, we are no more Christian than we are Jewish, so celebrating both seemed like the thing to do! It has been an awesome way to talk with BBZ about what people celebrate and why and also why we celebrate different things at home than at school. We're very multi-cultural in our home :)

Then we baked and baked and baked! I never realized how much fun it is to bake cookies. Even though I didn't get much help from BBZ, we still had a blast.

Here is our annual Christmas Eve photo with the Z family. One extra member this year!

My best attempt at photographing my boys in their Christmas best. Ah well, close enough!

I bought this chair for N for Christmas and had it hidden at his sister's house until Christmas Eve. He was surprised! He has been looking for a chair for a while now, and when I found this one while Christmas shopping with my mom earlier in the month, I knew it would be the perfect surprise present. Everything else I got him was something he asked for, so I really wanted at least one surprise.

Baby's first Christmas present :)

He loved it!

Our niece J suddenly looks so grown up! She was only 3 when N and I got together, so I have really watched her grow up. She has really become a young lady right before our eyes. I even bought make-up for her this year for Christmas! Crazy.

Yes, that is a Hulk spatula. Awesome is the only way to describe this clever gift!

It would not be a party if LBZ didn't pass out on the floor. Never, ever, ever in the history of BBZ's life did he ever fall asleep on the floor. Ever. LBZ is a pro at it! I thought about laying him in the playpen, but then I remembered that if he is tired, he just pops those fingers in his mouth and falls asleep! It's awesome. Seriously.

BBZ in his sweet Spiderman slippers and matching umbrella. I see some puddle hopping in our future!

Both boys passed out on our way to the 2nd holiday celebration. Christmas celebrating takes a lot out of ya!

Merry Christmas, Luther Blue Eyes!

BBZ barely ever sits still! Never the less, I love this one of my 3 favorite boys in the whole world :)

Christmas morning!! BBZ bought LBZ this onesie that says "I'm Super!" and has a cape on the back. This combined with BBZ's Spiderman jam jams, my wonder woman ones and N's Flash underwear sure make us one super family!

BBZ and LBZ got so many wonderful things. Our family is so generous and N did a great job finding things that BBZ would love. The highlights were the Batman bat cave and legos.

Lots and lots of Legos! Luckily, I really love putting Legos together. I was even kind of sad when we were done.

I didn't get any pictures of the boys in their matching jam jams besides this one. Aren't they cute? We had a tradition growing up that we could open one gift on Christmas Eve and it was always jammies. My mom even bought jammies for herself and my dad! We are definitely going to carry on this tradition at our house. And they don't have to be Christmassy either!

Getting a photo with both boys sitting still is super hard. Clearly.

N took this one during our vacation last week...

Who would have thought I could hold my whole world right there in my lap, with my partner there to record it. These boys and N bring such joy to my life. I can't really put it into words. We had a whole week off last week and had such an amazing time. We stayed in some days, ran errands on others. Went to the Zoo, played Legos, read books, and just enjoyed our time together as a family. It will be so hard to be back at work tomorrow, but I know it is time. Hopefully the time until our next vacation will go by super fast!

Back to the grind we go, and another new year begins.

Let me show you how easy cloth diapering really is!

2011-12-30T09:53:00.003-06:00

One of my very favorite things about becoming a mama is cloth diapering. It's difficult to explain to people who don't cloth diaper, but it really does make me feel like I am doing something extra special for my baby, for the earth, and for our budget.

You see, since I cloth diapered BBZ, diapering is now almost completely free. Considering I spent $80 on disposable diapers during the first 5 weeks LBZ was alive, I know I am saving a huge amount of money by using cloth.

I am writing this post first to spread the love I have for this very simple process, but also to enter a contest to win 12 Bum Genius diapers for me AND 12 Bum Genius diapers for a friend from Cotton Babies!

I'd like to start with a little history of my experience with cloth diapering (CDing).

I started using cloth when BBZ was 6 months old. I started with g-diapers, which were ok, but not exactly what I hoped they would be. I then found some off-brand pocket diapers on ebay that I loved and lasted all through BBZ's diapering. I steered away from Bum Genius (BG) because they only had Velcro closure, which I didn't like. I actually bought a lot of 24 BG 3.0s on Craig's List when I first started and they ended up being nasty in the washer and leaked like crazy. I later found out that the elastic was probably shot and who knows how they were washed, so long story short, brand new cloth diapers are always better than used, if at all possible.

So when BG came out with the 4.0 which came with a snap option, I was in CDing heaven. I bought a few for BBZ that I used in large rotation with the off-brand ones I had. The off brand ones lost their elasticity faster, but were very comparable to the BG 4.0s.

Now I said that buying used diapers isn't the best idea, but please note that I have only paid full price (about $18) for only one of the cloth diapers I own (and that was a baseball diaper Cotton Babies did during the Cardinals World Series and I couldn't help myself.)

Buying new doesn't necessarily mean paying full price. I either buy seconds, which are second rate diapers significantly marked down, or I got a pack of buy 5 get one free when Cotton Babies has a sale. I bought a few at a time and have stocked up to a pretty decent stash of about 28 diapers. I do wash every other day.

So I'd like to do my best to show my CDing routine. I hope it conveys how simple this process really is. It is seriously just as easy as disposable plus a few extra loads of laundry. Here we go...

**Wearing**

This is the way the diapers look when I get them out of the laundry.

Since LBZ is so little, I have the one-size diapers set on the smallest setting, so I first have to re-snap the diaper inserts to the smallest setting. I could leave them snapped through the dryer, but they dry better and faster if I un-snap them.

I have to stuff the diapers, and this is what the insert will look like inside the cover...

I do this for the whole load...

Until they look like this...

Then they go here...

In my cloth diapering station. Doesn't look much different than disposable diapers, do they? :)

So here is LBZ wearing a dirty Bum Genius 4.0, my diaper of choice.

I take it off like a regular diaper,

Remove the insert by pulling it out of the back pocket,

And throw it in the diaper pail, which is lined by a washable wetbag. Not much different than a trashcan, huh?

Then I put a new one on and snap in into place.

Another very affordable and just a little bit more complicated option is the prefold and diaper cover diapering system. I use these when I need an extra laundry day or if LBZ has a bad diaper rash (which rarely happens). I can use diaper cream with the 4.0s, which I will show later. These prefolds are only $1.50 each and the covers can be found for around $7 each.

You fold the front together...

And sit his cute little bum on the open part. Pull the front up,

And pull the corner from behind.

Pull the other corner to the front from the back and attach the snappi (a plastic piece that has teeth on it that hold the prefold on).

And there you go!

Next, slide a diaper cover (LBZ is wearing a Flip cover from Cotton Babies) under his bottom.

Snap it around the prefold.

See how the prefold is sticking out? You need to tuck this in so there are no leaks.

See?? All set. I bought the prefold diapers this time around to use before LBZ fit into the BG 4.0s. I bought the infant size rather than the newborn size, so I really didn't like how bulky these were. He now fits into them great, but he fits into the BGs great too. If I had to do it over again, I would have bought the newborn prefolds to use during that first month.

**Washing**

I think that many people are reluctant to cloth diaper because of the added laundry. I love doing laundry, so maybe that's one reason why I really don't mind it too much. I also do laundry just about every day anyway, so an added load every other day isn't really that much work.

Since LBZ is exclusively breastfed, I can throw the poopy diapers directly into the wash without cleaning off the poop. If he ate formula or when he begins eating any solid food, I will need to somehow remove the poop from the diaper before putting them into the washing machine. For that I will use this...

Cotton Babies makes a diaper sprayer that connects to the back of the toilet, but we just used a sprayer like those that hook onto a sink. I think it works great, but it would be nice to have a place on the wall for it to hook onto like the one Cotton Babies makes.

So whether they go directly into the wash or get sprayed off first, this is my laundry routine...

Remember where that blue dirty diaper landed? This is a diaper pail from Cotton Babies. I used an old diaper champ with BBZ, but since this was going to sit in his room rather than in the bathroom, I wanted to have a better one for controlling odor. I love this one. So then I have 2 diaper pail liners, or wetbags, which can go right into the washer with the diapers.

I start by doing a cold prewash. This rinses all of the pee and poop off of the diapers so they don't just move around in dirty water.

Then I do a hot wash with an extra rinse.

You have to use certain laundry detergent with your cloth diapers. I actually prefer the Bum Genius brand, but I ran out and decided to use up this Planet brand that I had from a long time ago. The Bum Genius brand is designed for cloth diapers and has a measuring cup that takes the guessing out of how much to use. I use that measuring cup with this detergent until I run out, then I'll go back to the BG brand.

When the wash cycle is done, I separate the inserts from the covers and un-snap them.

The inserts go into the dryer with the wetbag and some dryer balls. I don't use fabric softener with the inserts.

I tumble dry them on low for 40-60 minutes.

And hang dry the covers. If I am in a rush, I'll tumble dry the inserts completely. If not, I'll add those to the top of this drying rack to completely dry them.

Then they are ready to stuff again! Go back to the "wearing" section to see what happens next!

Once a month I add 1/4 cup bleach to the wash. This keeps them fresh and smelling good after the wash. I haven't had to "strip" the diapers since I started using the BG detergent, but stripping involves using Dawn dish soap to strip away any detergent build-up that can happen from the frequent washing that is necessary with CDing.

See, that's not so bad is it??

**Diapering on-the-go**

People often worry about how one can possibly CD while on the go with a busy lifestyle. It is really so easy. The worst part might be that I can't fit more than 4 diapers in my diaper bag at a time, but I haven't needed more than that so far, so it hasn't been a problem for me even though I have worried about running out.

I still have room for a change of clothes, wipes, a blanket, a few toys, pants and underwear for BBZ (just in case), a nursing cover and a changing pad. My bag isn't even designed to be a diaper bag, so it would all probably fit better in a different bag too.

One absolute must for CDing is a small wetbag for your diaper bag. You need this so you don't have wet diapers just hanging out in your diaper bag. Mine holds about 6-7 diapers.

**Extras**

I mentioned that you can use diaper cream with the BG 4.0s, but you have to use a barrier. Diaper cream is meant to bond to the skin and make a preventative barrier so poop and pee won't bother already sore skin. That cream will also bond to your diapers, which can cause leaks. I have some diaper liners that I bought from Cotton Babies, but I also just cut up some fleece material that can be laid in the diaper like so...

Since LBZ is in daycare, I have to communicate this to his classroom, so I put a label on the cream and on the bag of liners like below. So far it has worked great!!

Each brand new BG 4.0 diaper comes with a snap-down pocket insert, as shown above, and also comes with a newborn insert or "doubler". These can be used when the baby is smaller so the diaper won't be so bulky (although they never seemed to hold all of LBZ's pee, even when changed every 2 hours) and I use them as overnight doublers.

Since LBZ (amazingly, wonderfully, and completely unexpectedly) sleeps 10-12 hours/night, he needs something extra to absorb all of that pee. I stuff the doubler into the pocket underneath the snap-down insert like this...

It makes for a pretty thick diaper, but it doesn't really matter since he is just in his bed anyway.

I have chosen not to use cloth wipes. I like having wet wipes around and haven't made the switch, but I'm thinking about trying them. The worst part about not using them is that I have to separate the wipe from the diaper during the diaper change. I would be easier to just throw the wipe in the pail with the diaper, but I'm not there yet :)

Another extra that is nice to have are these Hemp Babies inserts. Hemp is extremely absorbent and also very thin, so they are great to add even more absorbency to a cloth diaper.

I used these with BBZ for his nap time diaper at daycare. I wrote "nap time diaper" on a clothes pin and hooked it to the diaper with the Hemp insert added so that his teachers would know which one to put on before his nap. It worked perfectly!

**************************************************

As I mentioned, cloth diapering has been for me one of the very best things about becoming a mama. I love that it takes just a little bit of extra effort and makes such a big difference. I love that I go onto a bathroom to change LBZ's diaper and leave without leaving anything behind. I love that he gets to wear cute and colored cloth on his bum. I love that I won't have to spend one dime on diapering him, especially if I decide to make the switch to cloth wipes. Basically, I love to cloth diaper.

If anyone wants to talk more about this, please email me! I love this topic and want to spread the word about how easy, inexpensive, and wonderful cloth diapering can be for any family.

As I mentioned, I am also entering a contest by writing this post. I received no compensation for this and whole-heartedly believe everything I wrote. Click here to read about the contest! If you are interested in winning the 12 BG 4.0s as a friend of mine, you have to comment. I don't solicit comments, but those are the rules if you want to play :)

Little Brother Z is 3 Months Old!!!

2011-12-14T20:53:00.002-06:00

Dear Little Brother Z,

Today (ok, in reality 4 days ago because I have been too busy snugging you when I am off work to blog about your 3-month milestone) you are 3 months old!

You simply light up our lives, sweet baby Lu. You and those precious blue eyes wake me each morning with a huge smile and some belly laughs, that are incredibly contagious.

The beginning of this month marked my return to work and the end of our maternity leave. While I knew you would be fine at home with my mom, my heart ached at having to be away from you all day.

You, my sweet and fiercely independent little boy, do wonderfully, as I expected. You took to the bottle quite well and spoiled you grandma with all of those sweet smiles reserved mostly for me during our 10 weeks of time together.

You are amazingly strong for your 3 months. You hold your head up high and can even perch on my hip for a short time. You love tummy time and scoot your little knees back and forth as though you will crawl away! As fast as time is going, you will certainly be crawling all over our home before we know it :)

Those free hugs you speak of?? I can't get enough of them. Especially now that they are limited to mornings, evenings, overnights and Fridays since I'm back at work.

You gave me quite a scare this month with a terrible allergic reaction to something, we're not sure what. It was my first full day back to work and when I got home around 5pm, you have small pimples on your face. By the next morning those pimples looked like this...

All over your legs too! I narrowed it down to either the S*hlafly unfiltered wheat beer I drank or your exposure to some non-free and clear detergent. It only lasted a few days and was controlled with Benadryl, but it sure gave ma scare! I'm still a little worried that you might be allergic to something I'm eating, but this hasn't happened since! Thank goodness.

You often make me think you are so super close to rolling over, but then you just sort of teeter on your side for a while. I even have a long video of you scooting to the side and I was just sure you were going to go all the way! But not yet!

The big story of this month, my sweet boy, is sleep. Wonderful, glorious, uninterrupted sleep. You have found your fingers and also the ability to self-sooth. I love holding you and rocking or nursing you to sleep, but you apparently love to put those left-hand fingers in your mouth, cover your eyes with your right hand and drift on off to sleep...no matter where you are laying. This has also helped you sleep as much as 6-7 hour stretches. (And even 10-11 hours since you started school on 12/12 after your 3-month birthday).

I may regret later that you love those fingers, but for now I am enjoying the soothing feeling it gives you!

You are such a sweet and laid-back baby boy. You smile all of the time, you sweep everyone off of their feet with your big and beautiful blue eyes (just like your daddy), and your new teachers have all mentioned how they hope to have a baby with your sweet demeanor one day.

I love you so much, my sweet baby Lu.

Love,

Mama

December is my second favorite.

2011-12-01T08:59:00.001-06:00

I think that September is my very favorite month.

I was born in September.

Both of my boys were born in September.

My birthstone is blue, which is my favorite color.

Fall is just beginning. The temps are generally near perfect, and the trees just begin to change into the beautiful colors of the fall season.

Yes, September is my favorite month.

But December is a very close second.

My parents were married in December.

N and I were married in December. 5 Decembers ago to be exact.

Both of my boys were conceived in December.

The house is filled with holiday lights and smells and overall happiness.

My work closes for a full week between Christmas Eve and New Year's Day.

N always takes vacation.

Around the corner is a new year. A new chance for change. A chance for a new life adventure.

Snow is often on the ground.

We celebrate Christmas with both N's family and mine (that are in town).

The hustle and bustle of going from family to family on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I know many people hate that, but I love the chaotic celebrating.

I eat oyster stew for Christmas lunch at N's mom's house.

I get to light the "Home for the Holidays" and "Mistletoe" Yankee candles.

Oh yes, how I do love December :)

Happy December 1st, everyone!

Thanksgiving and some updates on work

2011-11-27T19:37:00.001-06:00

I have so many things to be thankful for. A loving husband. Two healthy boys. N's family close by. My family far away that we "saw" on Skype. I am one lucky lady.

Here are my fantastic boys, enjoying their Thanksgiving feast at N's sister's inlaws' house.

And me, taking my turn with LBZ.

Baby's first Thanksgiving!

Who doesn't enjoy a living room full of games and Lego's?

My sweet BBZ :)

We have had a family photo taken at Thanksgiving for at least the past 4 years, this one has one more and one less member as Mr. LBZ joined us, but Miss Delilah stayed home.

I prefer the above photo since it shows the real personality of my sweet first born, but this one is nice too :)

Just for fun, here are a few from years past... 2007...

...2008...

...I couldn't find one with us for 2009, but here is BBZ with my lovely parents :)

...and 2010...

We figured that this was the first Thanksgiving in my whole life that was not spent with my family. When my parents moved away about 7 years ago, we made Thanksgiving one of the times we visited them wherever they lived. Before that, my parents always hosted Thanksgiving, so this was the first year. We decided not to make the 13-hour trip to the far north this year since I returned to work last week, which I definitely think was the right decision, but man did I miss them!

My mom is here now for 2 weeks to stay home with LBZ. Tomorrow is my first full day away from LBZ. To say I am sad is a huge understatement. I am going to miss him so much. Last week was ok, he took the bottle for N with only minimal resistance, and it was good to see everyone back at work. But tonight, the reality is setting in.

I am a working mom. I will spend much of my children's awake hours away from them. I will pray daily that I will have enough milk to sustain him for 1 year. I know that LBZ will be adjust to being away from me and be fine, just like BBZ was, but what saddens me the most is that he has to adjust at all. That I have to leave him and he has to be unhappy about it and figure out how to cope. That makes me sad.

But nevertheless, I am thankful. For my family, for my job, for N's job, for 12 weeks of maternity leave, for my healthy boys, for breast pumps, for my mom, for my parents, for BBZ's daycare that I love that LBZ will soon join, for N who stayed home with LBZ last week, for chilly days and cold nights. And I am thankful for what I know is to come: my comfort in my decision to be a working mom.

You made us a Family

2011-11-19T22:19:00.000-06:00

Dear BBZ,

When we brought your brother home from the hospital, it became quite clear that his awake and fussy time was between 8pm and 10pm, right when you were going to bed. Your daddy and I quickly had to adjust our routine to accommodate 2 boys with needs at the same time in 2 different places. We tried bringing LBZ to your room, but he just kept you up. So daddy started putting you to bed solo.

One night, when LBZ was just a few weeks old, I sat in the rocker and had just finished feeding him. Your daddy came into the room and said that you told him that I wasn't part of your family anymore. I knew what you meant and went into your room before you fell asleep to talk with you about it.

Before I got pregnant with LBZ, I put you to bed by myself. Daddy gave you a kiss goodnight and that was it. So when daddy started to be a part of your night time routine, you resisted him. There were times you told him to go away and to leave your room. During those times I told you that we were a family and we read together at night as a family. I also said that when LBZ arrives, he would read with us too, as he would also be a part of our family.

So I knew exactly what you meant when you told your daddy I wasn't part of your family anymore. I asked if this was right and you said yes. The conversation went like this:

Me: A lot of things have changed since LBZ was born, haven't they?

You: Yes.

Me: He sure seems to get a lot of mommy's attention, doesn't he?

You: Yes.

Me: Do you want to know something that makes you so special?

You: Yes!

Me: Before you were born, your daddy and I were just 2 people. We were just a couple, then you came along. You made me a mommy. You made daddy a daddy. No one called us mommy or daddy until you came along. LBZ is special too, but you had the most important job. You made us a family.

You: I did?!?

Me: You did. And you make me such a happy mommy.

And you do, my sweet boy. You make me so happy to be your mommy. Tonight we got to spend some time alone together when I took you to a birthday party and left daddy and LBZ at home. Time alone with you, my first born, is so precious to me. We snuggled in bed and I held you until you fell asleep...something I haven't been able to do as much lately. I loved every minute of those snuggles!

So my sweet boy, this is how special you are to me. We wouldn't be a family without you!

Love,
Mommy

The post I didn't have to write after all.

2011-11-15T08:46:00.000-06:00

I sat down to my computer on Sunday and started to write a post about returning to work the next week. It would include how worried I am about being away from LBZ. It would include my fears that he would never re-learn to take a bottle and that he might cry all day. It would include thoughts of quitting my job in order to never be away from my children again. It would show all of the doubt I had in my decision to return to work, even though I claimed to feel great about the decision.

It was going to be an intense post. But then, I found this. It is the post I wrote almost 3 years ago, exactly 1 week before I was to return to work after having BBZ. I re-read this post and suddenly felt relieved.

You see, every single emotion I am feeling now, I felt then. Everything. He wouldn't take a bottle either, and I worried that he never would and that he would cry all day. I worried that I wouldn't be able to leave him. I worried that I wouldn't be able to do my job. I worried that I was making a huge mistake by returning to work. Every single emotion was identical.

BBZ had a bit of a hard time when I returned to work, but by the end of that first week, he had figured it out. Much like LBZ will, I am sure. We adjusted into our working mom lifestyle and have been living it happily for almost 3 years. While I am going to miss my sweet boy more than words can say, I know he will be ok. I know I will be ok.

I'll look forward to pumping, so I can imagine being with him. I will look forward to being reunited at the end of the day and how happy I will be to see his sweet smile. I will cry on my way to work and be sad about leaving, which will improve over time. I will look forward to him starting BBZ's daycare so they can be together. I will try and remember why I am working: to set a strong example of work ethic for my sons and to be able to provide them with the things they need in life. To be able to save for their future and for ours. To be able to live in a house in one of the best school districts in the state. Because it is the decision that is best for our family.

And luckily, I have a private office so I can close the door and cry as many times as I want.

Little Brother Z is 2 Months Old!

2011-11-10T18:27:00.002-06:00

Stats added on 11/14/11: 12lbs, 4 oz and 23in long. 50th percentile for everything!

Dear LBZ,

Oh my sweet baby Lu, we are having so much fun with you! You have brought such joy into our home and have sealed our family of four off so nicely.

You slept for an amazing 8.5 hours one night this week, on your 8 week birthday as a matter of fact, but that certainly did not become your new normal. You usually sleep about 4-5 hours first, then are up every 3-4 hours or so. It is certainly better that every 2-3 hours, which is what you were doing for quite some time.

I was worried that you might have reflux or some sensitivity to what I was eating because of you terrible fussy time from 8-10pm, but that has also improved, especially since I stopped eating salads and broccoli. I couldn't eat broccoli when I was pregnant either. Funny how that continues now!

You now completely refuse to take the bottle. You were doing so well, that I figured you didn't need to have one each day. Then I got lazy and we went about a week or so without offering. You haven't taken one since. Hopefully you will figure it out when I go back to work in about 10 days. I sure hope so!

You don't always want to nurse or rock to sleep. In fact, you would much rather drift off in your swing or wrapped up in your swaddle blanket on the boppy in your crib. I am not used to a baby who doesn't like to nurse to sleep! I sometimes miss you when you are awake and I lay you in your crib, but you often drift right off if left alone. I know I will love that one day!

You are growing like crazy and I can't wait to see how much you weigh! Look how you have grown!

Oh how I love this sweet smile :)

I can't get this picture to rotate, but you finally fit into (and I finally started to use) your brother's cloth diapers!

BBZ finally agreed to hold you. I think he was afraid of hurting you.

All dressed for the World Series! He even got a new BG 4.0 baseball diaper!

There is nothing in the world cuter than a baby boy in jeans and a striped shirt :)

Tummy time!

There is a picture of BBZ in this same outfit! I'm going to have to start labeling pictures since you look so much alike. Check out the picture here!

We are having so much fun watching you grow, sweet LBZ. We can't wait to see what is to come!

Love,
Mommy

One son is and one son isn't: How we came to our circumcision decision.

2011-11-07T19:07:00.001-06:00

I would like to begin this post by saying that this is a very touchy subject for some. It's one of those hot topics that people are often passionate about. This is simply our family's story about circumcision. I share it because of my own struggle with this decision in hopes that others will do what they feel is right for them and their sons. Whatever that decision might be.

When we found out BBZ was a boy in April of 2008, we were over the moon with excitement about our sweet baby boy. N and I both desperately wanted a boy, so we were thrilled that our dream was going to come true.

Surprisingly, there were only two people who asked me what our plan was for circumcision...my mom and a friend from work. My mom wondered if we thought much about it and let me know about some extended family members who decided not to circumcise. I thought about it some and didn't like the idea of circumcising, but N seemed to think we needed to and I kind of went along. I really didn't think I had much of a choice about it. It seemed like it's just what people did.

As it came closer to BBZ's birth, I became more uncomfortable with the idea of having him circumcised. The few times I spoke with N about it, he continued to feel that we needed to do the procedure. Unsure of how I felt I went along with it. N didn't press the issue and neither did I. Looking back, I felt an enormous amount of social pressure to circumcise, even though my gut told me not to.

The day after he was born, my OB said that she would do the circumcision the next day, which was to be the day we would take him home. This concerned me because I realized I would be taking him home with an injury. I somehow thought that he should have the procedure done that day in case something went wrong. I suddenly felt like I really didn't want to do it, but I didn't say anything to anyone. Not even N.

The next day I had to give consent for the circumcision and reluctantly did. When they brought him into the room and I saw what I had consented to have done to my perfect, natural little boy, I nearly vomited. They literally cut the top of his penis off. Because I asked them to.

As the new mom, I felt an incredible need to care for what I saw as an injury, so N did very little of the care in those first few weeks. Care involved covering pieces of gauze with A&D ointment and covering the top of BBZ's penis with the gauze at each diaper change. This was so the diaper would not adhere to his healing penis.

At his 1-month appointment, his doctor showed me that his remaining foreskin was adhering to the part that was cut. She had to pull the foreskin down, which exposed red skin that also needed to be covered with ointment in order to heal. For the next four months, I had to pull the adhered foreskin off of the top of his penis and apply ointment periodically.

I realize that this is not typical for a circumcision, but this was our experience. The guilt I felt at each diaper change was horrible. I realized that what was done was done, but I really beat myself up for not following my gut for months following his birth. Even now, I am so angry at myself for being so influenced by societal expectations that I couldn't stand by my own views. I was ashamed and embarrassed and ultimately angry.

As we started to think about having another baby, I wondered how I would handle things if we had another boy. When we found out LBZ was a boy in April of 2011, and after I celebrated the fact that we were going to have 2 sweet little boys, I immediately wondered whether or not to circumcise.

N and I talked a lot about it. While I felt very strong about not circumcising, I wanted to explore N's ideas as a man and also take into consideration what it would be like for brothers to grow up looking well, different. Different not only from each other, but one different from both his brother and his dad.

I posted a message to the LLL board I belong to and asked to hear from people who had an older son who's circumcised and a younger son who wasn't. I was pleasantly surprised to get a response from at least 7 families who had this scenario. I spoke with most of them about how they came to their decision, what their husbands thought, and their concerns about the boys being different.

Most of the moms didn't think much of the circumcision with their first child, but decided to make a different choice with their second and subsequent children. Many of them also dismissed the concerns about the boys looking different because of the many other ways they would look different. None of them had a negative view of the decision they made.

I also started doing research. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) does not make a stance either way on the issue. The exact statement can be found here. I found one study that looked at instances of baby boys acquiring urinary tract infections (UTIs) and compared boys in the UK with boys in the United States. The study found that boys in the UK (where circumcision rates are much, much lower that in the US) UTIs were about twice as likely to occur in the baby boys in the UK. The study stated that the results did not prove causation.

N and I spoke at length many times as I perused online information and spoke with the other moms who experienced it. I also found a blog post written by a man who was the younger son in a family of two boys where he was uncircumcised and his older brother was. He talked about his comfort level and his experience being "different" from his brother. He talked very personally and positively about his experiences.

N summarized it best the day we finalized our decision. Parents who do circumcise do it for cosmetic reasons and for possible health considerations. Parents who choose not to circumcise do so in order to avoid possible pain to the infant. That's a pretty simple explanation. I wanted to do anything to avoid any pain to my second son, especially after the difficult time his brother had. N recognized my passion for the issue and agreed that we should not have LBZ circumcised. My opinion is that he was indifferent about the issue and since it meant so much to me, he supported me.

I can't really explain how confident and happy I am about our decision to not have LBZ circumcised. It was so easy to not do anything and to care for him just as he was when he was born. He looks just perfect to me, the way he should. The biggest concern is making sure that anyone who watches him knows to never pull the foreskin back during diaper changes. Everything else is as natural as he was meant to be.

I realize that LBZ might have questions about why he looks different than his brother, but the truth is that we learned something after BBZ was born and decided to make a different decision this time. I am confident that I will be able to explain this to him one day, should he have questions or concerns.

The biggest lesson learned for me is to trust myself and not be influenced by others' opinions. Just as the AAP states "To make an informed choice, parents of all male infants shouldbe given accurate and unbiased information and be provided theopportunity to discuss this decision". Knowledge is power.

Many new soon-to-be-parents I know have watched a circumcision video on YouTube as a part of their decision making. I cannot bring myself to watch it as I still carry some guilt for putting my 3 day old infant through what became a 4-month issue. The people I know who watched it found it to be beneficial when making their decision about their infant sons.

Like I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I do not pretend to know what is best for baby boys. I just know what was the best decision for MY baby boy. And I feel great about our decision!

I will get a blog post published while the baby sleeps!

2011-11-02T09:33:00.001-05:00

A lot has been happening around here, although you wouldn't be able to tell by my blog. This one will have to be quick.

My grandfather passed away last week. My mom came in town after he went into the hospital because it was unclear if and when he would be able to go home. LBZ and I went to see him in the hospital on Tuesday and he passed away Thursday night. I am so happy that we were able to visit with him before he died. The funeral was this past weekend and while difficult, was a wonderful way to say our goodbyes. It's all still a bit surreal. In the funeral home there was a poster that listed reasons why we have funerals. One was "to contemplate life and death". I've been doing a lot of that since his death and have a whole post in my head about it. One day I'll post it. This was him and my grandmother at his 90th birthday this past July.

I have 2.5 weeks left of maternity leave. While I am nervous and sad about being away from LBZ, I am also ready to be back into a routine. I dread getting 2 children out of this house and me to work on time in the morning, but we will figure it out. LBZ doesn't actually start daycare for another 3 weeks after I go back since he'll be here with my mom, so that will ease us all into the whole morning routine.

The Cardinals won the World Series!!! This city is a baseball town anyway, so give us a winning team and the town goes wild! It has been so fun living here when the Cards played in the post season. Game 6 was absolutely amazing! Seeing everyone in their Cardinal gear and all rooting for the same thing is pretty cool. Plus it was a fun excuse to get together with friends on random weeknights. Something extra fun for me since I am off work and all. Go Cards!

We got out of the habit of offering LBZ a bottle and he has since decided that he totally prefers me to any plastic bottle. It's my own fault for slacking off, but it's hard to pump and offer the bottle when I can just do it myself. I hate seeing him struggle with the bottle and am kicking myself for letting it get bad again. He was doing so well! We're going to keep trying, but I think I will need to leave when N tries it. I can't handle hearing him cry when I know I can fix it by nursing him.

I cannot believe it is November already. Maybe it's because it is 72 degrees out today. Tomorrow is supposed to cool off, so maybe then it will feel like fall. I love Fall holidays. Here are some pictures from our festivities...

I really love this time of year. I'm excited to get all of my sweaters out and be bundled up when going outside. I love all the changing colors and falling leaves...what a great season this is.

And of course, there's Halloween...

We had a great time celebrating at a friend's house again this year. BBZ was a champion trick or treater! Now we have a ridiculous amount of candy in our house that I have to constantly resist. It's kind of exhausting. I'll have to hide it from myself very, very soon.

Look how big my little boy is!! It's his very first school picture.

The cuteness is completely overwhelming. They also did a full body shot because he has these awesome red Kangaroos shoes that matched his shirt. Man, I love this little guy!

LBZ is a terrible sleeper. Plain and simple. I've been trying everything and he is finally sleeping a 5-hour stretch, then a 4-hour one, then a 3 hour one. I can deal with this, even if I have to go back to work. At least it is predictable. It seems to change about every other day, but I have to really watch what I eat, when I eat it, when I have my 8 ounces of caffeinated soda that I allow myself and be sure to stay away from broccoli (my very, very favorite vegetable) and even then he might not sleep well. This little one is a stinker, that's for sure. But maybe then he'll be an awesome sleeper as a toddler?? A girl can dream, right?

Lots of random updates

2011-10-20T11:40:00.000-05:00

We have been super busy around here! Too busy to blog, clearly. That is my excuse for the following completely random collection of updates on our goings on.
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I am finally starting to feel better. I have been struck with illness after illness since my sweet LBZ was born, so this healthy feeling has been a long-time coming. I caught a virus from BBZ that turned into bronchitis that has been hanging on for about a month. I'm finally able to go a few hours without coughing my head off and my bruised rib is finally healing. Whew, that was a long sickness!
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I did end up going to the concert last week after all, and I am so glad I did. N's sister and her family came over to watch the boys and they both did just fine. The show was absolutely incredible. It was held in a newly remodled venue downtown that I hadn't been to before. The band hasn't been to our city in 4 years, so as I stood in this amazing place, looking around at so many strangers with familiar faces (the world for this type of music is very small) I felt the amazing energy of everyone being in the same place for the same party. There were a few thousand people there, but I felt like I knew everyone. The music was incredible, and I got to feel my most favorite emotion with regard to music...the minute or so between songs when you wonder what song they are going to play next. Is it the one song you hoped you'd hear this show? The one that brings back memories from my first show 10 years ago? Oh, the anticiaption. There is nothing in the world like it.

So needless to say, we had an incredible time. And both boys survived. I am so glad I went.
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LBZ could be competing for the worst sleeper on the planet. He still has his super fussy time, right at the end of my day when I want nothing but to crawl in bed and go to sleep. I am in the middle of a caffeine experiment. I had been allowing myself 1 caffeinated soda per day, like I did when I was pregnant, but I began to wonder if it was affecting LBZ more than I realized. I keep moving the time up...it was no later than 4pm, then no later than noon, this am I drank it first thing around 8am and will see if it changes things. His awake time yesterday was more around 5pm and he was asleep for the night at 9pm. So maybe this is it?? If it seems to help but isn't perfect, I think I will be giving up the caffeine all together. Sad, but worth it if my sweet boy sleeps. His longest stretch is 4.5 hours, which is usually the first one. He's up about every 1.5-3 hours after that. This mama is sleepy, but surviving.
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I am back into my jeans! The jeans that I wore first after BBZ was born anyway. My little-bit-bigger jeans, but whatever. They button and zip and don't have an elastic waist band, so I'm happy. It's so nice to be able to wear normal clothes. I have abotu 10 pounds to go to be where I was when I got pregnant, but I hope to lose another 5 since I put on about 5 the month or so before I got pregnant. I feel good and am happy that the pounds are just falling off the way they did with BBZ. Hooray for breastfeeding!
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Speaking of breastfeeding, it is going wonderfully! And LBZ is taking a bottle about every other day from daddy very well. I can't believe how much freedom him having that bottle gives me. I missed that with BBZ and didn't even realize it. I have been able to spend more with with BBZ and not have to worry about being gane a little longer since daddy can feed LBZ. It's awesome.

I went to a breastfeeding and parenting seminar hosted by our local LLL a few weekends ago and took LBZ with me. It was so great to be surrounded by like-minded nursing moms and be able to provide for LBZ whatever he needed whenever he needed it without worrying about covering up or being judged. It was great practice in confidence, which has carried over to outside the seminar. I am already much more confident about nursing in public that I was ith BBZ, and this just added to it. It was a great way to spend a Saturday.
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I cut all of my hair off! I was going back and forth about it, and when I went to my hairdresser and told her I couldn't decide, she told me to go for it, and I'm so glad she did! I've always had a wave to my hair, but this haircut made my hair straight-up curly! It's awesome because I can just scrunch some product in it and go, or straighten it for a sleeker look. I seriously love it and plan to keep it this length for a while. Somehting about this last pregnancy messed up my hair. It felt so unhealthy. It really needed to go. It was the best decision!

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I'm sure that I have mentioned on here that BBZ stutters sometimes. He has stopped for the most part, which is a relief. He is starting to learn his letters, so now when we talk he'll start sounding out the first letter to a word and say what letter it is. It sounds so much like when he stuttered, but it's intentional. It is s-s-s-s-s-o cute!!
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LBZ has been smiling since 10/6/11. I need to write that in his baby book. Well, I finally caught it on camera!

Little cutie pie. I could just eat him up!
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BBZ has an obsession with Spiderman. It's super cute. He actually likes all of the Marvel superheros, but Spiderman seems to be his ultimate favorite. He'll call me a superhero name (usually Wasp) and I'm supposed to call him whatever superhero name he has given himself right then. It's so cute. He has 1 pair of Spiderman jammies that he wears almost every single night. He'll go a day without them because he understands that they need to be washed, but that's about it. I better have them washed or else!

We knew he wanted to be a superhero for Halloween, but he needed to narrow it down and choose just one, because once we bought the costume, he was not changing his mind. Of course, he chose Spiderman. Which is awesome because I found a costume in his size for $12 at Target...score!

At first he said that the costume was "a little weird" because of the puffy muscles, but then he liked it again. Now, he wears the mask from the costume with his jammies every night. I just love this little superhero so much!

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I can't believe it, but I only have 4.5 weeks of my maternity leave left. While I am sad to see this time come to an end, I feel much better baout my return to work than I did with BBZ. I'll miss my sweet littlest man like crazy, especially for those first couple of weeks back, but I am much for sure of my decision to be a working mom than I htink I have ever been. I know this is the right decision for our family and I know LBZ will like his school, hopefully as much as BBZ does. I hate the cost of it all, but love that they will be at the same place. I love the school and trust the system, which is so important. I'll post more about this another time.

Well, I know I'm forgetting something, but those are my updates for now. I hope all is well in everyone's little parts of the world!

Little Brother Z is One Month Old!

2011-10-10T09:30:00.001-05:00

Stats (added after 1-month appointment on 10.11.11)
10lbs, 4oz
21.5 inches long
(50th Percentile in all areas)

Holy cow, it's already been a month. Then again, I really can't remember life without you, my sweet littlest man. You are growing so much and changing everyday. You are a stinker about sleep and almost never go more than 3 hours without eating. I can't wait for your 1-month appointment tomorrow so I can see how much weight you have actually put on! None of your newborn clothes fit anymore, and your little rolls are too cute for words! All the milk is filling you out nicely.

This was a month of firsts...

Your first bath...

And of course your big brother had to help.

He washed your toes :)

You only cried a little...not anything like your brother who screamed the whole time. You seem to really love bath time. You did crash right afterwards though. Sleepy little sweetie pie :)

You met Auntie E for the first time...

And Papa for the first time, too.

And also Great Grandma H and Great Grandpa J

You have some baby acne, but it is fading fast.

I really have to keep up with your nails because they grow so fast! When I can't get to them fast enough, you wear the same spider man socks on your hands that BBZ did. They are awesome.

This was the first time you fell asleep all on your own too! It may have also been the last :)

And you had your first bottle. I was so nervous about this, but you did great! I had all kinds of mixed feelings about it. You see, I love being the only one who provides my milk for you. That fact prevented me from introducing a bottle to your brother until he was 3 months old. It made for a really hard transition. As much as I would like to be the only one to provide for you, you having a bottle eventually is inevitable, so we introduced it now to make it easier on you. You did great!

BBZ had to help too. He just loves helping you and talking to you. He always says the same thing "don't worry, little brother, everything is going to be alright". Just like in Three Little Birds. You boys are so precious!

You are not a fabulous sleeper, but I am getting used to it. A stretch longer than 3 hours would be nice, but I'll take what I can get. You have a terrible fussy time between 8pm and 10 or 11pm every night. I hope to go to a concert this Wednesday, but I think I might have to miss it because of your choice in fussy times. I wouldn't be able to stand knowing that you were screaming the way you do with no relief from me. I've seen this band over 50 times, so missing them for you would be totally worth it.

You have turned our lives upside down, and we couldn't be happier. You are sweet and laid back and I can't wait to see what is to come. I love you, sweet LBZ.

Love,
Mommy

Lots of 3s

2011-10-03T12:34:00.000-05:00

3 Weeks Old

3 Years Old

A 3-Day Weekend

With just the 3 of us!!

I was so nervous about being alone with the boys this weekend, but everything went great! N left early Friday morning and our adventure began. N's sister came over and brought us lunch on Friday, which was really nice. She also played outside with BBZ for a while so he could run around a bit. I finally got him to nap afterwards then we went to our favorite resale shop. It was a nice afternoon.

The hardest part of the whole weekend was night time. We are a very attached household and I prefer to provide my children with whatever they need at night. I don't do sleep training and usually lay down with BBZ until he drifts off to sleep. It has proven to be much more difficult to provide for BBZ at night since LBZ came along.

It seems that LBZ needs me at exactly the same time BBZ is going to bed. It never fails. As soon as BBZ and I are cuddling, LBZ starts fussing and is soon in full-blown freak out mode. I nursed LBZ in bed with BBZ, which worked for a minute, but BBZ was much too distracted with his sweet baby brother to go to sleep with us in there. So I said to BBZ "do not leave this bed, I will be back in a minute". I left and settled LBZ down and went back in. Proud as he could be, BBZ exclaimed "mommy, I did not leave this bed!". I sure was proud of him.

I was even more proud because when I had to leave yet again because LBZ was fussing, but the time I went back in there BBZ was asleep. He had fallen asleep on his own for the first time ever. I was so proud! He did the same thing Saturday night, except I made it back in just as he was drifting off. He said again to me "mommy, I did not leave this bed!", and off to sleep he went. Sweet boy.

LBZ is eating every 3 hours like clockwork again and a little more often during the day. 9pm-12am still seems to be a hard time for him, but he's doing ok. Daytime was ok as we could all play and hang out together just fine, as long as LBZ wasn't nursing.

On Saturday, N's sister and family picked BBZ up for a few hours in the morning and took him to a cool park and out to lunch. It was so nice for him to hang with them and have some time to run around. Our brother-in-law took some amazing photos of him while there.

Saturday afternoon was really fun. We just hung around the house, but watching BBZ invent things to play was so much fun. He wanted to to leave the room and when I game back I saw this...

As I walked into the room he yelled "Surprise!!!" Apparently, it was my birthday and all of these cushions were my birthday presents. I had to tear open each one and yell out what they were. I got a princess dress and some Lego's and a new watch. Then, it was his turn. I had to set up the presents and yell surprise. It was so fun!

On Sunday we had a quiet morning and anxiously waited for N to get home. We snuggled and played and napped and before we knew it, it was 4pm and N was finally home. What a long weekend!

It was hard, but definitely precious time that I had to spend with my boys. We are all figuring out our new routines and just when we get something set, I'm sure it will change. Going more than 3 hours at night would be nice, but having done this before I know it won't last forever.

I hope everyone had a nice weekend!

Fist Pump aka Just Fishin' Fridays

2011-09-30T14:03:00.000-05:00

I'm jumping on a meme bandwagon with Jill over at Life is not Bubble Wrapped. The goal is to do something awesome with my week and write about it. So, here it goes!

I must admit that I have felt pretty awesome as of late. After accomplishing my goal of having an unmedicated birth, I have survived one day short of 3 weeks with a newborn and a toddler. I've hosted a birthday party, established a champion nurser, managed both children alone at bedtime and am now going into my biggest challenge yet...a weekend without my husband.

N left this morning for a 3-day alumni weekend at his college. He was awarded the Young Alumni of the Year award and has scooted off to his undergraduate college to accept the award and participate in many weekend activities. Where does that leave me? At home for 3 days and 2 nights with both boys. Aaahhhh!!!!

BBZ's school was also closed yesterday and he is always home with me on Fridays, so this made for a long 4-day weekend for a toddler who is used to his extremely predictable day at preschool. N took yesterday off, so we had an amazing day at the Zoo and spending the day together as a family. It was gorgeous outside and I had a few opportunities to nurse LBZ in the breezy outdoors, which was fantastic! It was a great day and a good start to the weekend.

While I am a bit nervous, I know we will be fine. LBZ has been having a really hard time between 9pm and midnight or so. He is tired, but unable to fall asleep. We try everything, but usually he just cries for a while until he finally is too exhausted to go on. This is extra hard since BBZ is just about falling asleep around 9pm. N and I have a good tag-team approach that we find works, but with him out of the equation, I'm on my own!

Worst case scenario, we can all sleep in my bed or in BBZ's, so no matter what we will get some sleep somehow! N's sister was nice enough to come over on her lunch break today, bring me lunch and play outside with BBZ for a while to burn some energy. She and her family also plan to take BBZ somewhere special with them tomorrow morning, so that should help break up tomorrow a bit too. It's so great to have them nearby.

We plan to go to one of my favorite resale stores this afternoon because they have a play area for BBZ and comfy couches in case I need to nurse LBZ. My biggest worry about taking the 2 boys somewhere is whether or not BBZ will listen to me if I have to sit down and feed LBZ. He is generally a good listener, but there are certainly times when I have to pick him up and carry him out of somewhere and that would be extra hard with a newborn attached to me!

So there is me tooting my horn a little bit about some awesome things that have happened over the last week or so. I'll be sure to fill you in on how my weekend with the boys goes! Be sure to head over to Jill's Blog to see who else has done something awesome this week!

Happy Friday!

2 Weeks and 3 Days

2011-09-27T12:31:00.000-05:00

We are having so much fun!!

LBZ certainly is as much work as any newborn, but we are seriously enjoying every minute with our new family member.

He is nursing like a champ. I am so happy that our nursing relationship is going so well. BBZ and I had such a great nursing relationship, I hoped to have as good of one with LBZ, and so far so good! He nurses about every 2-3 hours around the clock and sometimes surprises me with a 4-5 hour stretch, but it is rare. It's difficult, but I'm managing.

Sleep is such a funny thing. Sure, I need it, but I am operating ok on how much less I am getting than before. I have not been feeling well, which has been wearing me down. I have a bad cough and have a dr appointment this afternoon. Hopefully he can let me know why whatever this is keeps hanging on. LBZ has a cough too, but luckily no fever or anything that would force me to take him to the doctor. I hate that he has this cough, but luckily his immune system is keeping it at bay.

We had BBZ's 3rd birthday party this past weekend, which was so much fun! I was super tired afterwards, but BBZ had such an amazing time, I'm really glad we still had the party. N basically did everything for the party anyway. He did the menu, shopped, prepared all of the food and even did most of the clean-up the next day. It was a lot of work and he pretty much did it all. I love him so much. He has stepped up in so many ways around here lately. I'm one lucky lady.

My mom left yesterday after being here for one day short of a month. It was so great to have her here and I miss her already. I hate that they live so far away. Especially with the boys being so little and changing so much so fast. She will be back after Thanksgiving to watch LBZ for 2 weeks when I go back to work. I wanted to wait a while before sending him to daycare, so since she is coming in town, he will be 3 months old before he has to start. That sure seems so young though!

I am already a little nervous about going back to work. It's still a while away, but the idea of being away from my sweet baby boy sucks. The best thing is that the boys will be together. BBZ is super excited about having his baby brother at his school, and I know and trust this place so much it won't be as though we are leaving him somewhere brand new, but it is still a scary thought.

I'm feeling very anxious about my baby weight. With BBZ, I didn't know how I would lose the weight. I didn't know how long it would take or if it would be easy or hard or anything. It was all unknown. This time, I know I lost it all pretty quickly last time and expect the same now. I am so tired of wearing maternity clothes and sweatpants! I realize that it has only been 2 weeks, but I am getting impatient. I found a post that said I still had 10 pounds left when BBZ was 6 weeks old, so that gives me an idea of where I should be, but I still have 20 pounds to go, and I can't wait to wear real jeans and put my ring back on!

I did manage to squeeze my ring on my finger today for a few hours, but it got tighter and uncomfortable, so I took it off. Hopefully in the next week or so I'll be able to wear it all the time again. I miss my pretty ring!

Overall, we are doing so well. LBZ fits just prefectly in our lives and BBZ seems to love his new role as big brother. I am smitten with my boys and loving life!

Here are some photos from the hospital and the early days as a family of 4!

My girlfriends who visited us in the hospital.

My sweet boys :)

Laura took some beautiful photos for us...

Today, you are 3

2011-09-23T17:28:00.000-05:00

Dear Big Brother Z,

Today, my sweet son, you are 3 years old. I can hardly believe you have only been in my life for 3 short years. I feel as though you have been with me and our family my whole life. You are who made me a mommy, and I am so grateful for that!

Suddenly, you are no longer a little toddler. You are so much a little boy I can hardly stand it! I love seeing the new things you do and the way you have grown. You have stepped into your new role as big brother to LBZ so well, I am so proud of you.

You still love fire trucks, although your new love is everything super hero. You love all of the Marvel comic book characters, which has brought back a love of you daddy's that he had somewhat forgotten. He has started buying comics on eBay again :)

You are so kind and gentle and always try to be a friend to kids when you play. You love playing bad guy/good guy and "power bomb" with your daddy. We've had to teach you that "power bomb" is NOT something you play at school. You are rough and tumbly with your daddy, but still come into my room at night and whisper sweetly, "I want you to snuggle wif me, mommy".

While you used to eat every healthy thing in sight, you have become a bit more picky. You have a sweet tooth like your mommy, which only seemed to get worse while I was pregnant. You still eat more fruit than anything else and love you milk, water and occasional apple juice.

You started soccer at your school, but haven't quite got the hang of it yet. Your daddy and I really hope you decide you like it, otherwise we might appear like the moms on "Toddlers and Tiaras" trying to get you to love our sport of choice. A friend got you a t-ball set that you really, really like, so perhaps baseball is your sport of choice. Organized sports is something that I didn't think much about until recently, but now that you are old enough to participate, I can't wait!

You had a hard time napping today and LBZ fussed at the same time, causing me to bring him into bed to nurse while we tried to drift off. Both of you boys fell asleep in my arms. I had you sleeping in one arm and your brother sleeping in the other, and it was so calm and peaceful. It was a precious moment that meant so much to me, especially on such a special day.

Oh BBZ, I just love you so much. I love the little boy you are growing into and can't wait to see what the next year brings! Happy Birthday, my little love.

Love,
Mommy

(In your new policeman costume from Meme, which was "just what I wanted, Meme!!")

Newborn Photos!

2011-09-20T13:34:00.000-05:00

My very dear friend, Nikki, over at Purple Lemon Photography, came by last week and took some amazing photos of our little-bit-bigger family.

Click here to check out the preview!

LBZ's Birth Story

2011-09-13T14:11:00.001-05:00

The story of my second son's birth starts the day after my last pre-baby post, although the end didn't come for a few more days.

On the morning of Wednesday September 7th, I had strong contractions that were 6 minutes apart. I was awakened by them around 3am, got up and moved around, gathered some things I wanted to add to my hospital bag and then it happened again. Everything completely stopped. I crawled back into bed and cried. N was so sweet and caring and supportive. He said everything would happen when it was meant to and while I didn't want to hear it at the time, he was right.

Contractions picked up again on Wednesday and came every 10 minutes like clockwork from 11am-8pm. These contractions while strong enough to stop me in my tracks at times, were not bad enough to interrupt too much of my day. N's sister and family came over with some gifts for us and for the boys and shortly after they left the contractions stopped. I fell asleep early and woke only a few times to use the bathroom. Even BBZ slept all night and slept in. I ended up getting 10 total hours of sleep, which I hoped was gearing me up for some action.

Thursday I did absolutely nothing. I didn't feel like leaving the house and needed some emotional support. I posted a message on my LLL message board and got some kind and positive words from other women whose children were past due. Friends on Facebook sent messages of support and concern, which was so unbelievably wonderful. Every time my phone chimed with a message from Facebook I got excited and felt better after reading it. People are so kind.

Friday morning was my appointment with my OB. I was having contractions again and hoped that he would shed some light on what all of these contractions were doing in there. He hooked me up to the monitor which recorded contractions every 4 minutes. I tried not to get excited, but part of me hoped that he would come back in, check me and tell me I was in labor. That didn't happen.

He came in and seemed unconcerned that I was having these contractions. He checked me and I was still at 3cm, which I had been all week. I tried not to feel let down, but I was again, disappointed. He did an ultrasound and my fluid levels and his heart rate looked just fine to let things keep going. He said he would induce me if I wanted him to and I declined, although it was a little bit tempting. He actually said I could go all the way until next Saturday, which would be 42 weeks and 3 days. I was surprised, but also pretty hopeful that I wouldn't be pregnant that much longer.

When we left the office I felt a new level of power to push on. Now that I knew that contractions I was having weren't doing anything, I decided to completely ignore them. No more timing, no more packing those last minute things. As long as the contractions were not stronger than the ones I had while on the monitor, I planned to go about my day as though nothing was going on.

BBZ is home with us on Fridays now, so N and I headed home and picked up him and my mom and headed to the Zoo! It was such a fun day. It was hard walking around because I was a bit uncomfortable, but emotionally it was the best thing I could have done. I also think that having the confirmation from my OB that things were fine to keep going was a bigger relief than I anticipated. Part of me worried how a baby could handle 2 full days of contractions, but since my doc was so confident, it too gave me the power to push on.

Friday evening was quiet as usual and I headed to bed around 10pm. I was still having the same contractions I had all day, but I was able to fall asleep despite them. At around 12:30am, which was then Saturday morning, I awoke to a very confused and disoriented. I thought I had a contraction that was crazy strong, but since it woke me up I wasn't sure if it was a dream or not. It was a scary feeling. I got up and moved around and felt another one that was quite a bit stronger than the ones I had been having, but not scary strong. I calmed down a bit then.

When a few more came I felt that it was time. I didn't even really time them because the feeling was so much different than it had been. I called the exchange and let them know we were heading to the hospital. I grabbed my last-minute things and let my mom know what was happening. I was remarkably calm, yet eager to get to the hospital. It was an odd sensation to really want to be where he would be born.

We noticed as we drove to the hospital that it was about the same time of night as when BBZ was born. We got there around 1:30am and talked with the nurse until I was taken into a labor and delivery room around 2am. The hospital was apparently very crowded, so the triage was done there.

The nurse hooked me up to the monitor in the room that I would later deliver in. I wasn't very happy about being confined to the bed and voiced this. She said she needed to take a look at him and as long as things were going ok, I could be unhooked soon. I was feeling trapped and held down by the bed, but I managed.

BBZ so I could move around and she started to push why I needed the fluids. N and I talked and agreed that I could probably use the fluids too and agreed. The funny thing about this is that she did end up doing a hep lock after all. I'm not sure where the breakdown of communication went, but that wasn't the only time it happened.

The fluids did help me a lot, but laying in the bed was really starting to frustrate me. She unhooked me from the monitor once so I could use the bathroom and I had a contraction on my way back to the bed. I held on to N and swayed back and forth and felt 1000 times better about the pain. It really is amazing how much harder it is to labor in a bed.

When she came back I asked if there was any way I could please move around and that my hope was to have an unmedicated birth and the bed was proving to be really challenging. She said, "would you like to sit on the birthing ball while on the monitor?" Um, yeah! Why she did not suggest this earlier is beyond me, but at least she finally did.

I sat on the ball and faced N who was sitting on the bed. The contractions really started to pick up and I began to vocalize through them. Sometimes I would hum, other times I would giggle and have a sing-song sound come out, and other times it was a louder way to let the pain escape my body. I started to get scared and said to N that I didn't think I could do it. He told me that however the baby comes is fine and that I should do what I needed to. The word epidural came out of my mouth.

At about 3:30am or so, she said that the baby looked good enough for me to stop the fluids and get off of the monitor. I asked her to check me and I was at 7cm. The pain was really, really intense. I vocalized through the contractions and I think I did pretty well during the actual contraction, but in between was when I felt I couldn't go on. Just like in other areas of my life, during the crisis I knew exactly what to do and saved the freaking out for afterwards. I did not mention the epidural to her although I was constantly arguing with myself about whether or not to get it. It was like this thing that kept hanging over my head. She said she would be back around 4am to check on me.

The time between her visits were really, really intense. I kept moving around and changing positions. At one point I ended up on my knees facing the back of the bed. I'd lay my head on a pillow in between the contractions and almost fell asleep a few times. I was pretty sure that this was the transition phase of labor. N massaged my hands during the contractions which helped me refocus the sensation.

The nurse came in around 4:10am and I asked her to check me again. Still at 7cm, I asked for the epidural. I know it had only been 45 minutes or so, but I was frustrated by no progress. While we waited for the doctor, I said that I wasn't sure that I wanted the epidural and the nurse asked if I was changing my mind. I didn't know what to do. Then the contractions took a turn that I had never felt or expected. My body took over and I couldn't control any part of it.

The urge to push was like nothing I had ever felt. A friend told me that the urge to push during labor is as intense as the need to push your bowels, but this urge was way beyond anything I have ever felt. I could not stop the force to push. When you have to move a bowel, your body can say "wait, stop, not yet wait until you get to the bathroom". This urge was absolutely out of my control.

I was very aware and vocal about what was going on with my body and confused about what to do. The nurse told me to not push and I tried to tell her that I had to. She asked if I wanted her to check me again and while I did, the thought of laying on my back for her to do it was terrible. Reluctantly I did and when she put her hand in to check she broke my water. She said there was meconium in the water.

Around the same time the anesthesiologist came in and couldn't find a table to set up the epidural. The nurse said to him "forget the table, find the doctor!" I felt him moving down the birth canal. It was an unbelievable sensation. It's like I knew exactly where in my body he was and how much farther he had to go. She had me pant hard during 2-3 contractions when all I wanted to do was push. I focused my eyes on some small marks on the ceiling behind N and held both his hands while I tried to fight with my body about pushing. The urge would sneak in and try to take over, but I suppressed it. I know this probably doesn't sound like the right thing to do, but strangely, it made me aware of the control I did possess over what was happening. I was holding him in until it was safe to deliver him.

The doctor (not my OB who was still on his way) came in and said he would deliver just as I was laying, which was somewhat crooked on the bed. I pushed hard and the nurse asked me if I wanted to feel his head. I reached down and felt it. I pushed again and he must have crowned. Then the weirdest thing happened. The whole room went silent. I was completely calm. I was strangely aware of everything going on as we all patiently waited for the next contraction to tell me when to push. It was a peaceful and surreal moment that I will never forget.

The next push was hard, but I knew his head was out. They asked me to look down and see him, but I couldn't over my big belly! There was another moment of peace and one more contraction, and with that one I pushed, and there he was. He landed on the bed and still had part of the bag of water wrapped around his head. He was wet and slimy and perfect. It was 4:52am.

I couldn't believe that I actually did it. I was full of emotions and loved hearing his sweet little cry. I didn't feel a huge need to do skin to skin contact or to hold him for a long time right away. I didn't feel disconnected to him the way I did with BBZ, but I also didn't feel a huge connection that I expected either. What I felt was real, and it was ok. I understood everything that was going on around me and well aware of who was there and what was happening.

Shortly after, my OB came in the room. Since he got the message at 2am that I was at a 4 and at a 7 at 4am, I guess he figured he had time to get there, but apparently my body had different plans! He shook my hand and apologized for not being there. I really didn't need him there though anyway. I chose him for his philosophy about natural pregnancy and birthing, but really only needed him if there had been an emergency. Luckily everything went great and it didn't matter who caught him on his way out!

My OB then did an exam to see if I had damage to my perineum. He said I had a small tear on my episiotomy scar that would require a few stitches. I said that my last tear was 3rd degree and he said this one was no where near a 3rd degree. That was such great news considering the issues that arose after my last experience.

One thing I hoped to gain from this birth experience was a healing from my last. I wasn't sure how or if this was possible, but what happened next made a huge impact on the way I viewed my last experience.

He used a local anesthetic to numb the area for the stitches. He began to stitch and I felt the same sensations I felt with BBZ's birth. I felt everything. I felt the needle, I felt the string, I felt everything. The difference? My OB was very concerned about what I was feeling. He was gentle and sensitive and apologized for the discomfort. He gave me more anesthetic and tried to make it as comfortable as possible. Not only did this show me that I was not crazy when I felt the stitches last time, but I also realized how the reaction of my old OB was so different. She never acknowledged that I felt the pain. Almost as though she didn't believe me. I felt like I had done something wrong or that I was being dramatic. The fact that I felt the same sensation was reassuring, empowering, and healing...even though it was painful.

If there was one thing I would change about the whole experience, I would have stayed away from the hospital. If I were to do this again (which is highly unlikely) I would do whatever I could to not have the hospital birth. Just having the epidural as an option caused me anxiety. I think that if the option had been completely off of the table, it would have been an even better experience.

The recovery from this experience has been wonderful. I have a lot of energy, I feel in tune with LBZ, breastfeeding is going wonderfully and I have only been taking Motrin for engorgement and some aches. I have no back pain, I'm not swollen, and I feel unbelievable for having a baby 3 days ago. Everything about this experience is better, and I know it's because my body did what it was built to do.

Another thing I would change is that everything was so fast and so intense, we didn't take any pictures of the birth at all! After he was born I had to remind N to get the camera out! I wish we had taken some, but oh well. The best pictures are in my mind and now a permanent piece of who I am. I am a woman who birthed my child exactly the way I wanted to. I felt him move down my birth canal. I felt him stretch my body physically and emotionally to a point that I never knew I could go. I felt his body slide out of me and saw his first reaction to the world around him. I did it.

Welcome to this world...

2011-09-12T13:39:00.000-05:00

Little Brother (Luther) Z!!!

At long last,

after an amazing,

empowering,

healing,

unmedicated birth,

My baby boy is here, and my sweet family is complete.

I will share the beautiful story of my second son's birth very soon, but for now, I'm going to go snuggle with my baby!

Disappointment

2011-09-06T12:34:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my birthday.

Yesterday was the hardest day yet.

After waking up at 3am with pretty strong contractions, I couldn't go back to sleep. I got up to use the bathroom a few times and unofficially started to time the contractions. From 3am until about 6 am they were steady from 8-10 minutes apart, lasting about a minute or so. I figured this was it.

I got up, ate some food, let N know what was going on and took a shower. I was sure this was it. At about 7:30am, things started to slow down a bit. N and I decided to take a walk and took a super long one. The contractions were steady the whole time, but manageable.

Once we got home around 8:30am or so, I had to use the bathroom immediately. After that, I had 2 contractions and then nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was as though the whole morning never happened. I was absolutely devastated.

I thought this was going to be the perfect birthday for both him and me. That we would go to the hospital and he would be born in the same exact place I was 32 years earlier. The disappointment I felt cannot be put into words.

I spent all day sad. I couldn’t break away from the sadness, and I really didn’t have an interest in trying to feel better. I guess this is what depression feels like. I had no interest in doing anything. Not even playing with BBZ, which made me feel even worse.

Luckily, N is an amazing husband and he just took over. Our niece was spending the day with us, so N took her and BBZ to the park. He called around lunchtime and said BBZ wanted Steak N’ Shake and wondered if I wanted to come. I didn’t want to move, but a milk shake did sound delicious!

We went and ate lunch and I still didn’t feel much better. I felt completely deflated. I’m not sure if it was the fact that the labor took my energy or that emotionally I just couldn’t cope. Either way, I laid around the house the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself.

At some point after dinner, I got my strength back. I felt positive again and ready to push on. N and I ran to the grocery store for our weekly fruit trip and he had the best idea in the world. He says “if we, and by ‘we’ I mean mostly you, have to have a few more rough days, we should buy some junk food to help us get by. It will make the days much easier”.

Now let me explain that N and I are very health eaters. Sure we have the occasional cookie or ice cream and what-not, but we do not buy foods with HFCS or lots of sugar because we don’t want it in the house and we really just don’t eat it. He made a good point though that if there is ever a time that we want to throw rules out the window and just try to make life a little more tolerable, now is the time.

Throughout this pregnancy, I have been eyeing those toaster things that have the icing on them. I loved them when I was younger and have just had a taste for them. I have exercised restraint though and avoided such sugar-filled snacks and opted instead for fruit or another healthy alternative.

Well, we have those delicious toaster things in the freezer right now. We also have chocolate donuts and candy corn, two of my favorite snacks in the world. That N sure knows what he is doing.

So today I have new energy. If the week and my mood swings continue as they have, it means that tomorrow will be another bad day, but we’ll have to wait and see.

I’ll see my doctor this afternoon and am looking forward to finding out how long he will let me go without inducing. Neither of us has brought it up, and I assume that 42 weeks is the magic number, but I’m not sure. As much as I want this baby to be born, I really do not want to be induced. Hopefully he will come on his own before we have to do any interventions.

Tomorrow is the magic 7^th day, which is how late BBZ was. Will this boy be just like his brother? Will he try to out-do him and go even longer? Or maybe he’ll show up today and surprise us all. Who knows, but I am glad to be in a better place today and hope that I will be holding my sweet baby boy very, very soon.

I put the swing in mood swings

2011-09-04T14:58:00.000-05:00

Wow, going past my due date is an insane roller coaster of emotions. I can't believe I was so naive to believe that it would be better this time since I was a week late with BBZ. One day I feel great and like I could go all the way to 42 weeks if needed, and the next day I am contemplating (only halfway seriously) induction.
This is so hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. As much as I want to and planned to take the pressure off of this one day, going past it is pure torture. I go from feeling completely confident in nature to being sure that I have some control over it and must not "want" him to be born enough. This is all just downright irrational.

But I suppose that is to be expected with the amount of hormonal activity going on inside my body right now. I've been through this before, but that doesn't make it any bit easier.

Thursday, 9/1 I spent all day having contractions that ranged anywhere from 8-30 minutes apart. I was sure it would turn into real labor and kept waiting for that. At one point I asked my body to turn into real labor or just stop and so it stopped. Not the answer I wanted, but I was at least able to sleep a while that night and wake up rested.

Friday was super hard as I expected contractions to restart and they didn't. Some friends were throwing a surprise 35th birthday party for another friend at a bar that had a Panic cover band playing. N had planned to go all along unless the baby was here and I had no intention of going either way.

At around 5pm as I laid down on the couch feeling sorry for myself, N suggested I go along too...so I did! We went to a friend's house first and hung out, then headed to the venue. It was so great to get out of the house, hear some awesome music and spend time with friends. It was just what I needed.

Yesterday I felt on top of the world. My best girlfriend came to visit, BBZ took a 3-hour nap, and I really felt ok about being past my date. The thought of going to 42 weeks while scary didn't feel like the end of the world and I felt ok about things.

Today, not so much.

Today I am feeling sorry for myself again. I know all of the rational thoughts but feel all of the hormonal emotions. I know he will come when he is ready, but I want him to be ready now. I know I will not be pregnant forever, but I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I know he must not be quite done, but I feel like he's not being born because I'm not wanting it enough. I know I have no control over when he is born, but I feel like I do and I'm not doing enough to make it happen.

See rational thoughts and hormone-induced feelings.

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I am hoping that I get a sweet baby boy for my birthday, but I guess we will have to wait and see.

I'll end on a positive note that physically, I still feel amazing. I can't believe that I feel this good this late in the game. I am not swollen at all and other than the occasional ache or pain, I feel awesome. It's kind of crazy, so I guess I should be thrilled about that!

(40 Weeks, 3 Days)

The mysterious case of the appearing coffee maker part.

2011-08-31T17:41:00.000-05:00

I know absolutely nothing about coffee. Seriously. I have no idea how to make a pot of coffee.

Apparently, N has been making coffee in our coffee pot without a very important piece that fits inside the top thing and helps keep the paper thingy in place that catches the grounds.

I guess this piece is not completely necessary, but without it a big mess is made. Seeing as how I do not drink the coffee or even look at the pot, I had no idea that this was even happening.

Before my mom came in town, N said that we needed to replace it. We went to Target to find it and couldn't. After refusing to let him steal the one form the display, we left figuring that we would probably find one online.

N didn't find one online, and when my mom, who also loves to drink coffee, came in town, she figured that we could pick a cheap maker up from Walmart since we were going there anyway.

I have to interrupt this story to say that I almost never shop at Walmart. I'm not really a snob about it or anything, but I prefer to have a positive experience when shopping and that seems to never happen at our local Walmart. This day was no exception as I was told by an employee that I was "breaking his balls" by asking him to call around to a few stores for me to check on a big ticket item. Yes that really happened. I'll tell the full story another time...

So anyway, we bought the $16 coffee pot and headed home. We were contemplating whether or not to keep the old one and even though I am a proud member of the reuse-it website in my city, I really didn't want to be bothered with it and reluctantly threw it away. It was pretty gross.

Let's see, that was Monday. So today is Wednesday and I let Miss Delilah outside around lunchtime. She apparently didn't want to come in for a while because I kept checking the door and she wasn't there. I decided to make sure she didn't wonder out of our yard, so I walked around the carport, in front of the trashcan on my way to the back yard and I saw this...

See it? That black thing right there? Can you tell what it is? Look closer...

Closer...

Holy crap! It's the missing coffee pot piece! What the heck?? This phenomenon poses many questions:

Is this some kind of joke?
Where the heck did this come from?
How the heck did it end up outside?
Why did it appear today after months of it missing?
Did I really pass by this spot a million times and miss it?
Did it seriously just appear right here?

Do you see how close it is to the trashcans and my car? I walk by this spot at least 2 times a day and didn't see it. This is so crazy to me. What are the freakin' odds? I guess it would have been better to find it before we bought a new one but, whatever.

To add to the randomness today, my mom and my nephew collect quarters and needed just one more to finalize their collection. Well, she found it today! And the funny part is the quarter she needed was one from her home state, and she had to travel 13 hours to find it. Crazy stuff.

So a perfect ending to this story would be to go into labor and have this baby right as August turns to September, wouldn't you say? Three for three??

I'm off work, LBZ's still cookin', I might as well blog!

2011-08-30T09:05:00.000-05:00

Well, my due date is literally right around the corner. Tomorrow to be exact. And in all honesty, I still can't believe how good I feel! Sure there are uncomfortable times and aches and some pains, but overall, I really do feel pretty great.

I have also noticed that when I relax, take a deep breath, and become ok with possibly being pregnant for another week, I feel much better. I had some pretty serious practice contractions over the weekend that made me think I was perhaps closer than I was. Sunday was a super hard day for me. I think I really convinced myself that he was coming and was really let down when he didn't.

I am back to realizing that this baby will likely be born in September, which is something I really want anyway. My birthday is in September, BBZ's is too. It is probably my favorite month of the year, followed closely by December. It is a fabulous month for a birthday.

Plus, I am delivering LBZ in the same hospital where I was born! My birthday is 9/5, so how cool would it be for LBZ to be born in the same place I was exactly 32 years later?! What would be even cooler is if he is born on 9/3 and I am home by 9/5, but since I cannot choose when he will arrive, I will just sit back, enjoy my vacation, and wait.

That's another mind trick that has helped me. I was struggling with being on "maternity leave" already and "wasting" it by being home without a baby, but I decided to look at this week as vacation since I technically took vacation time and save the "maternity leave" talk until after the baby comes. The mind is a very powerful thing.

My mom is in town, which is awesome company! We have been bumming around town and taking it easy. She watched "The Business of Being Born" with me yesterday and I think she really grasped the reason I want to have a different experience this time around. I am so glad that I watched it again so close to the birth. I am so ready to experience this again.

I'm behind a bit in picture taking, but here is the most recent one I took...

(39 Weeks, 1 Day)

I still feel like I am smaller than I was with BBZ. I am running about 10 pounds or so lighter, which is quite nice. I am not swollen at all, which seriously blows my mind. My hands are and I haven't been able to comfortably wear my rings in months, but with BBZ my feet were huge and I always felt swollen and uncomfortable. Not this time!

BBZ had a fund raiser at our local children's museum last Sunday night and we had a blast! They rented the place out, so it wasn't too crowded and all of the money went back into the school. We bit in a silent auction on artwork that the kids in his class did and won a huge basket of baby toys in the raffle! See!

Everyone thought it was pretty cool timing to win this right before the baby comes. We really didn't need new toys, as our home is overflowing with them already, but it sure is nice to have some new things just for LBZ. He doesn't have to have all hand-me-downs after all.

Today we have some walking planned and I see my doctor this afternoon. I am wondering if he will want me to do a non-stress test like I had to do when BBZ went past his due date. I have decided not to have pelvic checks with this pregnancy. I asked a few weeks back if it was medically necessary and he said it was not. He said that most women are curious if anything is happening (dilation, effacement, etc) but medically there really isn't a reason, so I declined.

I remember being dilated and effaced with BBZ and still waiting a week for him to come. Plus, what if I am 4 cm dilated now and don't know it, then when I am in active labor I labor at home for as long as I can, go to the hospital and am dilated to 5cm. If I didn't know I was 4 already I would htink that is awesome! I was 5 cm when I got to the hospital with BBZ and thought that was pretty awesome. I don't want to know too much, ya know?

So that's what's up with me. No baby yet, but he will be here soon!

What I know and what I hope.

2011-08-28T09:05:00.000-05:00

I know that babies are born when they are ready.
I hope that our sweet LBZ is ready very soon.

I know that second births can be as long as or longer than first births.
I hope that this one is shorter and faster.

I know that many first children have a hard time adjusting to a new baby.
I hope that BBZ has an easy time with his new role.

I know that most babies are born healthy, but some have health problems.
I hope that our sweet LBZ is healthy.

I know that I went 7 days past my due date with BBZ.
I hope LBZ comes before that date, which is 9/8/11.

I know that being off work for 12 weeks is exactly what I need.
I hope I can separate myself from work completely and NOT check my email and phone from home.

I know that some babies have a hard time breastfeeding.
I hope that after 2+ years of nursing, things for us will go off without a hitch.

*****

We welcome you, sweet LBZ. Things are ready for you. I am ready for you. BBZ talks each day to you and tells you he is ready to meet you. You are all I think about from morning until night. You will soon bless our family with newborn coos and sounds and smells that we just can't wait for. While I am anxious about your birth, I am not afraid. I get excited with each practice contraction that I have knowing that it is one tiny step closer to having you here in our lives and in our arms. I cannot wait to nurse you and snuggle with you and hold you close to me. I can't wait to see BBZ as your big brother. I already love you, and I can't wait to show you how much.

We welcome you to our world, Little Brother Z. We hope to see you very soon!

I love my girlfriends.

2011-08-17T22:11:00.000-05:00

I have the most amazing friends in the whole world. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, my very best friend, Laura, said she wanted to throw me a shower. I was a little uneasy about it, but since I was convinced that the baby was a girl, I thought it would be fun to have a baby girl clothes shower or something like that to help celebrate her arrival. Who doesn't love buying baby girl clothes anyway??

Fast forward a few months and we found out that we are having a little boy! We thought about a diaper shower, but I have BBZ's cloth ones that I plan to use right away this time. We talked about a shower at her house, but I was really against gift giving mostly because I don't need any stuff and also because people don't typically have a shower for the second baby.

So as we got closer, we decided to have a dinner at a restaurant to celebrate the future birth of our sweet LBZ. We chose a cute little place in one of the oldest parts of town that we had been to for Laura's birthday a few years back. Little did we know that the place closed down! We found out when we showed up on Saturday, but some quick thinking landed us at another nice place in the town where I grew up. Coincidentally, N and my parents met for the first time at this restaurant nearly 8 years ago.

Here are a few of us waiting for the others so we could caravan to the next restaurant.

Here is the group of us. Some of my favorite women in the whole world. I am so happy that they came out to celebrate LBZ!

My very best girlfriend, Laura. Man I love her!

It was such a lovely dinner. Laura cooked up a plan to gather some awesome coupons for me that included things like free meals, free babysitting of BBZ so N and I could have some time with the baby, a work of art from my friend Brooke, who is a very talented artist, some delicious home-made meals for the freezer, and a massage! I also got some yummy smelling bath soap and lotion that is safe for mama and baby. One friend who couldn't make it gave me a Pizza Hut gift card! Apparently I wasn't specific enough when I said no gifts as it was interpreted as no gifts for LBZ, but ones for me were ok. Miss Laura is so sneaky :)

Another sneaky surprise was some collaborating between my mom and Laura. My mom made a beautiful quilt for BBZ when I was pregnant...see!

She is so amazing! It's like a work of art on fabric. She even found this perfect tye-dye type material for the back of the blanket. It went perfectly in his little room, which was decked out with N's collection of Grateful Dead bears.

So I asked my mom to make one for LBZ so he would have something special just for him. His room doesn't really have a theme, but I liked the idea of a lake or pond scene with objects of nature. She and I looked over some sketches she made when she was last in town and she said that there was no way she could get it done before LBZ's arrival. That didn't make a bit of difference to me, as I knew that it was going to be beautiful and worth the wait. Well, she and Laura cooked up this plan for her to give it to me at my dinner shower. They are super sneaky!

Isn't it absolutely gorgeous?!

She even found this perfect fishy material for the back.

She did an amazing job, and the party was so much fun! I wanted to drink a glass of wine, but I was too embarrassed to order it at the restaurant. Laura took one for the team and ordered herself 2 glasses of 2 different red wines. One for me and one for her. She took some strange looks from the waiter, but I think he eventually figured out what we were up to.

I just can't believe how awesome my girlfriends are. It took me a long time to realize the importance of having girlfriends. It wasn't until well after college that I really began to appreciate how important those relationships are. I wish I had learned that earlier, but I do know now, and moments like these can only be appreciated and celebrated with the most important women in my life. If only my mom and sister could have been here! They were in spirit though, that's for sure :)

BBZ and The Bobs

2011-08-12T10:25:00.000-05:00

You know the Bobs, right? No not these guys...

"Naga- ,Naga-, notta gonna work here anymore..."

Nope, I'm talking about these Bobs...

Many of you who know me or have been reading this blog for any length of time know how much music plays a part in my life with N. We met while following Widespread Panic to Memphis. We traveled all across the country following our very favorite bands. Chicago, Portland, Reno, Atlanta, Indianapolis, San Francisco, KC, you name the city, we have probably seen music there.

So it shouldn't come as any surprise that our offspring would also have a love of music. What is a surprise is his choice in music. For a while it was Keller Williams' Kidz album, which is incredibly awesome if you are looking for good kid-friendly music. There is even a song called "Mama Tooted", which makes me giggle.

That was his album of choice for a while, and when I say album of choice I mean the album he obsessed over and had to hear during every single car trip, to school and home from school are with me, by the way. So I pretty much knew what to expect each morning...and it was nice.

Then he went through a Bob Dylan phase. I played Mr. Tambourine Man once and told him that I used to sing it to him when he was a baby. I actually also sang it to him when I was pregnant and always enjoyed singing that song in the car with him. He loved that fact, so we listened to Bob D quite often.

Then one day we heard a Bob Marley song while in N's car. I don't remember which one it was, but BBZ kept calling him Bob Dylan. The next time he was in my car I showed him the cover of the Africa Unite album by Bob Marley and explained who Bob Marley was. Then I did it. I played Three Little Birds. If you don't know that song 1) Shame on you, and 2) Listen to it here right now!

He was hooked. He had to hear it again. It was a Monday morning and I got to work feeling so light and happy and wonderful. I have listened to that song almost every single morning since with his sweet little voice singing along. What a great way to start the day!

And as if that wasn't enough cuteness, he now has me sing it and Mr. Tambourine Man as he is falling asleep. It is so awesome. What a nice way for him to drift off to dream land. "Don't worry, about a thing. 'Cause every little thing, is gonna be alright."

So now he is learning some of the other songs on that album. The next song is "Buffalo Soldier", which he thinks is awesome. He also thinks it's hilarious to say "Buffalo Chicken" instead. He is so funny! We were at Pizza Hut yesterday and they had a picture of a buffalo and he started singing "Buffalo Soldia...dred lock rasta" right there in the restaurant. Man I love this kid.

So music sure is making an impact on his life already, and it's just an added bonus that he likes the same music we do. It's much better than "I've been working on the Railroad" over and over again!

37 Weeks!

2011-08-11T20:32:00.000-05:00

Holy moly, this pregnancy is flying by! I can't believe we are 3-4 weeks away from meeting this little man. My heart is so full of love and I can't wait to pour it all over our littlest baby boy!

In true end-of-pregnancy fun, I took some pictures of the belly...

Well, N took that one. He also took the one below. I was feeling smaller than I remember being with BBZ, then I found these photos which made me realize something....

(36 Weeks with BBZ)

(38 Weeks with BBZ)

I am actually BIGGER than I was with him. Bummer. Oh well, I still feel great considering I am this far along. Monday and Tuesday of this week were especially hard for some reason. Maybe it was because it was Monday. Or maybe it was because BBZ's school was closed and he and N got 3 whole vacation days together to play while I had to go to "stinkin' work" as BBZ has recently quoted me saying. Maybe it was my mental exhaustion from having to clean up three, that's right, THREE bowel accidents from our otherwise potty-trained little man. He's on antibiotics though and tomorrow is his last day, so hopefully that will stop when the medicine does.

Another cheerful surprise was a lovely little shower that my co-workers threw for me! They really surprised me. I had a meeting from 9-12 yesterday and then my boss had re-scheduled a "meeting" at 12:30pm. I grabbed some food and rushed back to work, scarfed down my food and then ran off to the meeting. Sure enough, the meting was my shower! They are so sneaky :)

They are also so generous! They gather some cash for me and some even gave gifts. This little man got some awesome camo, a few toys and some other really cute clothes. I know girl clothes are cute and frilly, but there is just something about a good boyish camo outfit.

My boss got me a magic bullet baby food making system! I made all of BBZ's food, but it was a little challenging with ice cube trays and defrosting and all that went into it. I planned to do it all again, but this is going to be so much easier! I can't wait to use it :)

Speaking of boy stuff, BBZ is in the cutest superhero phase right now. He wants to watch "The Vengengers" (aka The Avengers" or Spiderman now, which is so much more fun than Blue's Clues or Wonder Pets.

He and N were running around the house playing superhero and taking each other out and rolling on the floor and just being boys. I sat back and watched them and really got excited about having another boy in this house. It is just the way I picture my little family and I can't wait for it to be a reality!

My official last day of work is 2 weeks from tomorrow! I must admit, I am super excited about this fact. I love my job, but I am so ready to focus on only my family. The bad part is that the earlier I take off work the younger LBZ will be when he starts daycare.

The reason I decided to take work off before my due date is that it will put me back at work the week of Thanksgiving. I figure it will be kind of quiet that week and plus it's a short one. N will be home and I will get paid for those 2 days off rather than not. It seemed to work out great. That is as long as he is born before 9/8 or so...I'd hate for him to be less than 11 weeks when I have to leave him! He won't be at daycare then though. He doesn't start daycare until December 12th, unless he is really early.

So anyhow, things are starting to look very baby-fied around here...

The boots are from a resale shop and were $1!

Hello, my name is Anna, and I am addicted to buying cloth diapers. Seriously. I have all the diapers I need, but I got on a prefold and wool cover kick and just couldn't help myself. I bought some Flip covers from Cotton Babies a while back during a super seconds sale, so that's where the blue cover came from, but check out these wool covers!

The recycle one is about the cutest thing I have ever seen! We did not cloth diaper BBZ at night time having never found a cloth one that would hold his 12-hour/night pee. (Don't be jealous of 12-hour nights sleep, it DID NOT last). I seriously cannot wait to see LBZ's cute little bum in these covers!

And his bag is packed and ready to go! My bag, on the other hand, doesn't even exist yet.

So things around here are ready, we just need him to come! Not yet though...at least let me be off work!

One month from today...

2011-07-31T15:57:00.000-05:00

...is my due date! Having been through this before, I have no doubt that this baby will NOT arrive on his due date. In fact, I am expecting a September baby even though his date is August 31. BBZ was a week late, so I am expecting the same from his brother.
There are so many things that are different about this time around. Everyone keeps saying how hard it must be because of the crazy hot weather we have had, but I am actually doing ok just staying inside or being near water if we do play outside.
The hardest parts about this pregnancy are 1) I can't sit on the floor and play with BBZ for very long and 2) I can't carry BBZ far or hold him on my lap very well. I hate these facts. I miss playing with him and holding him and having plenty of room on my lap for him. Those are the parts I am most looking forward to having back.

Also, there's my job. I have only been in my new position since January, so leaving for 12 weeks this time is much, much harder than last time. I have a lot more responsibilities and more things I am accountable for, so therefore there is much more to get in place to be away for such a long time. I've been trying really hard to avoid stressing about it, but there were 2 nights last week that I woke up and just could not stop thinking about everything I have to get in place. I have to remind myself that things will be fine. They have to be!

Mostly, I want to be able to not even think about work while I am off with LBZ. I don't want to feel like things are undone. I want to have everything in place. It's almost like I am nesting at work!

Which is also pretty funny. I'm not really nesting at home. This time, compared to last, I know that there are things that don't need to be in place when he gets home. And I know that I will have to do some things after he gets here. It's pretty funny how relaxed I am now compared to my last post. It's amazing what a little time can do!

We have been so busy over the last few weeks. We celebrated by Grandpa's 90th birthday! I think he looked better than he has in a long, long time.

BBZ and his daddy looked great too!

This is my most immediate family with my grandparents in the middle. My mom, her twin sister and their kids and grand kids make up the rest of us. The only person missing is my dad, who was unable to get away from work for the weekend. It was a fun day!

My grandparents moved into a senior living apartment building earlier this year and the move has been hard on them. It seemed to be hardest on my grandpa, who had to give up his shop for a small 2-bedroom apartment. After hearing how much this was affecting him, one of the administrators had an old office converted into a shop for him and anyone else who wants to use it. Here, my grandpa can build his airplanes and continue to do what he loves. I really believe that this is why he seemed so happy at his party.

Since my mom was in town, we were able to go out! My friend celebrated her 30th birthday, so N and I went for a couple of hours. It's so nice to have my family close by! There were a few pregnant ladies at the party...here are 2 of us!

That was last weekend. This weekend we had not one, but 2 more birthday parties! One was the first birthday of the friend whose 30th we just celebrated. It was outside, which I was worried about, but a huge (and much needed) storm came through right before the party and made it much more tolerable!

Who doesn't love candy cigarettes?? Well, they call them candy sticks these days.

Waiting patiently for his turn at the pinata.

Candy, candy, candy!!!

And a whistle.

After this party, we headed to the next one! This one was at a pool, so we were able to get in and cool off a bit. We couldn't stay long since we were all pretty beat, but there was time for cookie cake! This is the 3rd birthday of one of the 2008 babies. 6 of us were pregnant in 2008 and 4 of us are pregnant now with round 2! It's fun to have so many kids who are so close in age.

Here's BBZ asking A's daddy when they plan to cut the cookie cake. You know, the important stuff :)

Here's BBZ, A, and B who were all born within 3 month of each other.

Here they are! BBZ at 5 days old on the far left, B in the middle at 1 month old, and A on the right at 2 months old. We were at the shower of the 5th baby this day back in September 2008.

It was a great party!

Complete with ring pops...mmm.

Overall, I really feel great. I am still worried about some things, but I have an overwhelming sense of peace about the baby and how our lives will just adjust to his coming into them. Maybe it's because I have shifted my freaking out to my work life instead of home life. My mind can only freak out about 1 things at a time, apparently :)

This is so hard, and it’s only going to get harder.

2011-07-19T19:58:00.000-05:00

Yes folks, I am not feeling overly optimistic today, so please brace yourselves for a whiny, bummer, not-so-happy post where I feel ever so sorry for myself. It doesn’t happen often, but today it is.
Being pregnant while raising a toddler is really, really hard. As though the pregnancy tireds, big belly, waking every 2 hours to pee and short temper weren’t bad enough, add a toddler on the verge of the (worse than terrible twos) threes, and you have one worn out mama.

Let me say along with this, that I really don’t mean to complain. I love that we are having another baby. I love that BBZ is on the verge of being the big brother that I can tell he so desperately wants to be. I love where our family is going, even though to say I am freaking out a little is a HUGE understatement.

I’ve never been one to apologize for my feelings. I know there are people out there who have 3, 4, and even 5 kids who probably had it worse than me, but that doesn’t make my feelings about my situation any less valid. They are feelings, after all, and we don’t always have control over how we feel. We just feel, you know?

I am really starting to freak out. I want to practice many of the attachment parenting practices I did with BBZ with his brother, but I probably won’t be able to, at least not to the same extent.

BBZ never cried until he was about 10 weeks old…when he was with me anyway. When he was with anyone besides me (and my boobs) he cried, but as long as I was nearby, he seriously never cried. I know the reason is because anytime he wanted anything, he had it…immediately.

I nursed him one day from sun up to sun down, I swear. I did a lot of crying that day, but he sure didn’t.

It is very hard for me to accept the fact that I am not going to be able to provide for this baby in the same way. I also know that I will not be able to attend to BBZ the same way as I do now, which is hard for me to imagine. Is he spoiled? Perhaps, but he is also a pretty happy and well rounded little boy. He does have to wait sometimes and when he does we talk about how it can be hard, and hopefully he is taking mental notes because he will be doing a lot of waiting for me in about 6 weeks or so.

I spoke to a friend who also had a “needy” first born about how the heck people do this and she said that the older one has no choice but to learn to adjust and the younger one learns not to become so needy. I guess this is why I want two children, really.

I know that only children can develop a sense of entitlement after never having to share their parents or take turns with a sibling. Now I’m not bashing parents with only children, only expressing an observation. My niece and my nephew are both only children and there are great things about that fact. There are also great things about having 2 children, which is what I am desperately trying to focus on since I am starting to, well, freak out about ending out first born’s only childness.

But really, I want BBZ to understand that he is older and can do more for himself. It’s so interesting how a child can be so determined to be independent while simultaneously needing mommy for every. Single. Thing. I want him to learn what having a baby brother will teach him about the world. How the world isn’t always at his beck and call, and that waiting for something can make it that much more special.

But the baby? That’s another story. He really shouldn’t have to wait for anything. If he wants me, he should have me whenever he wants. I am not one who believes that he will learn to sooth himself or that he will just have to figure it out. As a parent, I believe it is my job to comfort him and give him all of the things he needs during those first few months of life, without question.

The thought of not being able to do that is so scary to me.

And not only not being bale to do it, but expecting me to be all of these things to everyone is freaking me out too! How the hell am I going to do this?

Ugh.

Those of you who know me personally know that I cannot stay negative for very long. I remember having feelings somewhat like this before BBZ was born. Crazy buyer’s remorse. I wondered what I was thinking bringing a baby into the world and how there was no way I could do it all…and then he was here, and we just made it work.

I know we will make it work. Maybe he will be a great sleeper. Maybe BBZ will truly understand that the baby needs me and why. Maybe both boys will be so in sync, that I might be able to nap at the same time they do. Maybe this child will be an early sleeper and give me plenty of sweet night time with my night owl. This is a lot of “what ifs”, but the point is that I know deep down that everything will be just fine.

Like how the hell am I going to get 2 children out of the house and myself to work every day? Especially on days like today when BBZ was extra slow-moving. Whoa boy, and work? How the hell am I going to be able to go back to work again at all?

Geez. I better just stop now.

Two Years Ago Tomorrow...

2011-07-08T19:48:00.001-05:00

. . . I went to a hospital for the second time after being sent home by a man who said my baby was "sick, but not critically ill".

. . . my 9-month old experienced the first of two surgeries he would have before the age of 14 months.

. . . I typed a long blog post detailing the events of the previous few days.

. . . I had to hold down my baby while doctors tried to help him.

. . . I pumped as my baby was beginning his surgery, and felt an overwhelming feeling of peace.

. . . I was right to feel that everything was going to be ok.

These Days . . .

. . . I remember exactly what it felt like to see him wake up the next morning.

. . . I remember exactly how his little face looked at me to rescue him while the doctors tried to help.

. . . I cry when I re-read the blog post I wrote.

. . . I laugh when I re-read this post, about a large headed baseball man and his really bad timing.

. . . my son is anxiously awaiting the arrival of his little brother. And also his birthday, which to him seem to coincide.

. . . I lay down with him until he falls asleep, every single night.

. . . I argue with him for 20 minutes about brushing his teeth.

. . . I negotiate my way out of Target with $.99 stickers as opposed to a $44.99 Lego set.

. . . he has mastered the potty, with an occasional accident here and there.

. . . I smell his hair and breathe him in and remember how I felt 2 years ago tomorrow.

. . . I promise again to never take a moment with him for granted. . .even the hard ones.

. . . he loves to show off his scar, just like my dad predicted he would.

I must say, it looks much better than I imagined it would 2 years ago!

To Doula or not to Doula...that is (or was) the question.

2011-07-07T19:13:00.001-05:00

I don’t think I have blogged much about what I hope to experience during and after the birth of Mr. LBZ. This actually surprises me because his upcoming birth and what I hope to gain from it has been on my mind since I found out I was pregnant.

You see, my birth experience with BBZ left much to be desired. For a long time I attributed the negative experience I remember to the fact that I got the epidural, which led to a snowball effect of interventions, something that I have come to learn is honestly quite common.

As I continued to do some self-exploration, I realized that it wasn’t the experience itself that left such an emotional wound inside me, but rather the way I was treated.

For a while I thought that the 3^rd degree tear, the months of healing, the scar tissue and the fact that I felt all of the stitches I received was the reason I had such a wound from the experience, but that wasn’t it at all.

I was shopping at a local breastfeeding support and resale shop recently and while checking out I chatted with the woman working there and learned that she was a certified childbirth educator. She shared some information with me and asked me to join a birth class she was holding there on Tuesday evenings. As much as I wanted to attend, weekly babysitters from 7-9pm are just not realistic for us, so I declined and went on my way.

A few days later, a friend from LLL posted an article about childbirth on Facebook. I commented something about how I hoped to heal some wounds that I was holding onto from my first birth experience and she suggested the very same class, as she apparently is friends with the woman I bumped into at the store. Small world!

In that comment she tagged the woman’s facebook page, which I visited and “liked”. That prompted the woman to then contact me and offer both individual classes in our home or doula services. After some phone tag we finally connected.

It was during this hour-long phone call that I came to realize that it really wasn’t the trauma of the physical effects of the birth I was holding on to, but rather the emotions of how I was treated during the last 20 minutes or so of the ordeal.

I am going to try and put into words what it felt like. I describe in the story how the room filled with people, they put oxygen on my face, that the woman picked up the phone next to me and said they were going to do a “forcep delivery with variables” and I had no idea what they were talk about. No one talked to me. No one even looked at me. At that moment, I wasn’t even a person. I was a being on a table and they were all doing their job…the way I do at my computer. Without even a thought about what I, as a person, was thinking or feeling.

I remember pushing hard, the way my doctor asked me to, then not knowing if I should push again. I waited for her to tell me and she didn’t. I pushed but I didn’t know if I was supposed to or not. Then suddenly, he was here.

They handed him to me in an attempt to distract me from the pain I was experiencing while they stitched me up. I saw him, I heard him, but I did not feel what I expected to feel for my newborn baby. I felt disconnected, unsure of him, and unsure of what I was supposed to do. I didn't even know that I was supposed to be thinking of delivering the placenta. I actually forgot that part and wondered why they were still working on me. No one told me what was happenning.

As the room emptied and I was there with my new son, my mom and my husband I didn’t feel the way I thought I would feel. I felt…powerless. Utterly stripped of any power I had over my body, over myself, and over the way my son was born. Some people have described a term called “birth rape” which I don’t really like. But rape is not about sex, it’s about power. The powerlessness I felt was like nothing I have ever felt before, and it is a feeling that I continue to associate with my birth experience to this day, although I already feel like I am healing.

While talking with this kind woman on the phone, I realized that it was the loss of power that I was grieving, not the natural birth. I do want a natural birth and I really believe that I will have that, but it is not what will heal the emotional wounds I have. Control is what will do that.

I have changed doctors, changed hospitals, read countless beginnings of book (my interesting book-reading habits are another blog for another day) and have had some very serious talks with N about how I need his help to keep control over the situation so I may leave with a feeling of empowerment and connection to the baby that I so desire. I will not allow what happened to me to happen again. I am more educated, more prepared, and more confident about what I want and what I deserve as a person and as a human being.

N and I together decided not to hire a doula for our birth experience. He and I spoke at length about it and feel that we can handle it and have the experience that we both want. I am so excited to embark on this with him and to know that we will be able to have what we want…no matter how our sweet LBZ physically comes into the world. Because that is not the issue…the issue is having control and power over the situation.

When I was laboring naturally with BBZ, I felt a connection to N that I hadn’t felt before. We were a team, and we were doing so well together. N said that after I got the epidural, he had this uneasy feeling and couldn’t sit still. I later read that men produce a hormone while his partner is laboring that allows him to deeply connect with her and support his partner. I believe that N was experiencing this without any way to direct it after the epidural took away the need for his support. Interesting stuff.

So I’m not sure why I have hesitated to blog about any of this. I think I wanted to keep my wishes somewhat quiet because I know that when some people hear that a woman hopes for a natural birth that comments can include ones that are not supportive and of the “yeah, right!” nature, and I just didn’t want to expose myself to that.

When I was getting close to BBZ’s birth, I remember thinking that it would be cool to tell people that I did it naturally. This time, I really don’t care about that. I hope that I can accomplish this goal mostly because I have seen enough natural birth videos to see the look of pure accomplishment and connection to their baby that each woman feels following her birth experience. I crave that. I need to experience that. It means as much to me as bringing this little man into the world does. And I know N and I can do it.

What a weekend!

2011-07-04T10:58:00.000-05:00

I love, love, love 3-day weekends! This one is especially great because I slept for almost 12 hours last night! That is something I would not otherwise be able to do on a Sunday/Monday, so it was awesome.

I have been much more tired lately. I guess that's typical for the 3rd trimester, but I felt so great there for a while, I think I was in denial that it would ever change.

My friends went camping on Saturday night, but I just could not bring myself to go. It was 98 degrees, humid as hell, and sleeping in a tent did not sound appealing to me. N went, so BBZ and I held down the fort.

We didn't waste the god day off though! We went to the mall where I thought he would want to play on the indoor playground for a while, but he picked out a new firetruck to buy with some money N left for him and wanted to go straight home to play with it.

We headed home, had some lunch, then went to the pool at his school. It's a HUGE community center with the best outdoor children's pool I have ever been to. It wasn't very crowded, and there is a while separate play place for little kids, so there were no crazy teenagers fighting for water space. It was so, so much fun.

We aren't currently members because the cost is a bit high, but it is a month-to-month option, so we might sign up just for the summer. both kids would get a discount, so with just BBZ it would be about $40/month, but that will probably go down when we factor in savings on a second child's tuition. It's $28 for a family pass for one day, and you can't just go to the pool, so as long as we went twice/month it would pay for itself. It's still expensive, but this pool is that awesome.

After a nice, long nap, we headed to my friend Laura's house for some dinner and fireworks. It was so hot! It was 90 degrees when I pulled into my driveway at home at 10:54pm. Ridiculous!

Yesterday we had a bit of a relaxing day. We wanted to do more, but it was just too hot for me. We wanted to go downtown for the fireworks, but the heat and later the rain storms stopped us. It was probably best since I fell asleep so early.

Today I am heading to lunch with my friend who is having a little girl about 2 weeks before this little man is due. We have been friends since we were about 7 years old. She is one of my oldest friends! We were pregnant together with our oldest boys who are 5 weeks apart. I'm so looking forward to it!

I did a little shopping on Friday evening at a local resale shop and bought a blue maternity shirt for $1. I love the color and the fit so much I took another belly picture. I feel like he is really getting big in there!

(31 weeks, 3 days)

My feelings are all over the place right now. On one hand, I am so ready to meet this sweet little boy! And on the other, I am petrified of how his coming into our lives will affect BBZ and our family. One one hand, I am so ready to be off work for 12 weeks I can hardly stand it! And on the other hand I am terrified about having things in place and ready for me to be gone.

Ugh. Only about 8 more weeks to go! I go through periods of time when I don't even think or worry about anything. Knowing full well that I had no idea how anything would work out when I was pregnant with BBZ and how things just have and have been amazing. I know the same is true for this little one, but sometimes the worry takes over!

I'll tell you what though, holding this sweet babe in my arms is only a couple of months away. It's going to change our lives, and I can't wait to see how!

What we've been up to lately

2011-06-28T22:54:00.000-05:00

Potty learning, potty learning and more potty learning! I can't remember how much, if anything, I have said about our experiences so far with this subject, but I feel like more of an expert in my son's learning than I did even 3 weeks ago.

We started off working with him only on the weekends and evenings because we didn't want his teachers to have to deal with accidents at school. Even though he would do pretty well on the weekends, he would absolutely refuse to use the potty at school. While I love the teachers, they weren't very accommodating with this topic.

There were some weekend days that I got so frustrated that I said forget it and put a diaper back on. I think I expected things to go quickly and that it would be a one weekend thing, but it really did happen over a period of time. He did great 2 weekends in a row and I felt good about having him wear underwear to school, but it was right at the same time he changed classrooms, so we decided to wait until he transitioned.

He was in his classroom for only about a week and we had another great weekend. He even stayed dry on his "out of the house underwear" (aka pull-ups) so I spoke to her on Monday about trying underwear. She said that she wanted to stay consistent with what we did at home and that potty learning is a part of the school day, not a distraction from it.

There were a few poop accidents and some bribery with Legos, but he started in that class at the beginning of the month and hasn't had an accident at school in 2 weeks. I am so proud of him! He occasionally has accidents at home or when we walk to the park, but overall he is doing so great!

He likes to poop in front of the TV, which seriously cracks me up!

This past weekend, we had a few friends over and ordered the Widespread Panic show which was streaming live from Red Rocks in Colorado. N and I have enjoyed many concerts in this venue including Panic, so while it wasn't quite like seeing the real thing, it was definitely the next best thing.

Plus, we got to watch BBZ and his friend "camp" in the living room!

We did a little garage saleing that morning and hit the mother-load! We got a box of kids camping stuff, which precipitated the camping in the living room. I also found a Cardinals outfit, a sweater, 3 books, a doctor set, some winter boots, and a few other things, all for $7! AND I found a space saver high chair for only $10 on (you guessed it) Craig's List! It was a weekend of great deals and good times.

On Sunday we had N's family over to celebrate a late Father's Day. We played outside, went shopping at Kohl's and spent the day together. It was a really nice visit.

Cousins :)

Today, N had a happy hour after work, so I decided to take BBZ to get a haircut. I had been thinking of taking him for a real one, since my barber shop isn't really that great, but I was worried because I knew it would be a lot shorter than the way I tended to cut it. Then again, I thought a nice cute cut would be nice for the summer.

It's pretty short! But I really love it and I think she did a great job! A friend gave me a free haircut coupon a while back and I finally took advantage of it. He looks so grown up!

He also loves to pull my shirt up and talk to his "baby bwover". He tries to pull up my shirt all of the time, so I have been working on teaching him to talk to his baby brother through my shirt outside of the house and only pull my shirt up at home. Now he always says "I can pull your shirt up 'cause we at home?" He's so smart :)

The view from here...

(31 Weeks)

Me and my sweet boys, 31 weeks and 2 3/4 years old.

I want to blog about the very difficult time I am having concentrating on anything but my boys and my family, but it is late and I really need to head to bed. I have some things I need to concentrate on tomorrow and a super-late night is not going to help. I also want to write about how sometimes I really don't enjoy being a working mom...but that will have to wait too.

So much to blog about and so little time!

Our Trip to the Far North

2011-06-28T22:19:00.000-05:00

I have so much to blog about, that I almost don't know where to start. I really want to post my vacation pics, so that's what I'll do now. I have been falling asleep with BBZ each night like I did during the whole first trimester, so tonight I actually drank some caffeine before I laid him down to help me stay up. Hopefully I won't regret that later :)

My parents live in the far, far north about 13 hours away. We flew into an airport about 3 hours from their house and rented a car to drive the rest of the way. BBZ did awesome on the flight and the drive and even kept his out of the house underwear (aka pull-ups) dry the whole trip!

We usually drive to visit my parents in November, which is crazy cold. Going in the spring/summer is awesome because it is warm, but it is also not as humid and a nice break from the crazy hot Midwest.

So we spent plenty of time in their gorgeous back yard.

Here is my sister and her fiance! It was so great to meet him and to see her so happy!

Doesn't their yard look like a park?

N and CJ had all kinds of fun.

This was a perfect way to spend the day! We tried to fill the days with lots of activities...

Cousins :)

We found a park with this amazing, completely accessible playground. BBZ loves a good playground.

There was lots of Popsicle eating.

The boys down by the red river, which interestingly flows north.

Getting ready to watch CJ open his birthday presents.

I love this one.

We went to Chuck E Cheese for CJ's birthday! BBZ had lots of fun.

So did the Birthday Boy!

We thought this place was pretty cool! BBZ loved the tow truck.

I love these boys! And I can't believe we will have another one in the family very soon!

BBZ's first try at Putt-Putt Golf!

He was so cute. He would carry the ball to the hole, place it right in front of it and push it in with his putter. It was awesome.

I, on the other hand, suck at golf bad. I think I only got it into one of the holes the whole time.

In my defense, we did only play 9 holes. Still, those odds are pretty bad.

I love this one too! He was pretty done by this time.

It was such a great trip! BBZ was a really good boy almost the entire trip. It only rained the last 2 days and we were home by 4pm or so after a day of travel. That was hard, but BBZ only had 1 accident while we were traveling and maybe 2 while at my parents house. Overall, I think our little man has mastered the potty. I'll post more about that another time.

A Father's Day Moment

2011-06-21T15:04:00.000-05:00

I am currently on vacation, hanging with my family in the far North, and relaxing in the only way one can at their parent's house...without a worry in the world.

While I am reading blogs, I am taking a break to really enjoy this time with my family. I am coming out of hiding only to share a photograph that my brother-in-law took of N and BBZ during a trip to the Botanical Garden this Spring.

For Father's Day, I had the photo put on a water bottle for N. I love what it captures, and that it is of the 2 most important boys in the whole world to me...exploring the world together.

Happy Father's Day to my sweet, wonderful husband!

Temper Tantrums (and not just BBZ's)

2011-06-13T12:02:00.000-05:00

I have a bad temper. No, that's not exactly accurate. I have a really bad temper. People who know me will likely be quite surprised by this as I am also blessed with a great deal of patience. You see, I am patient, patient, patient, patient and suddenly BAM! Pissed off! There is very little middle ground for me.

This has proven to be a challenge for me as a parent, and one that I continue to work on. I had to go out of town for work on Thursday and Friday, and N had to go out of town Friday through today, so BBZ's routine has been all kinds of crazy, as has mine.

So it was just he and I holding down the fort after I finally got to him at about 10pm Friday night. Traffic was terrible and a rough end to an otherwise great work trip. But it was not a great start to the weekend.

BBZ and I have spent many weeknights and some weekends alone together as N often travels for work. I'm not sure if it was his extra testing or something going on with me, but we just didn't do well this weekend. While he is really just being a regular 2-year-old with a messed up routine, I really don't have an excuse.

There were times over the weekend when I was reacting to something he was doing and I was having an internal battle with myself. I knew that my attitude was making it worse. I knew that I was getting upset and that I should be able to control myself. I knew what "positive discipline" measures I should have been using, but reacted the opposite. Not sure why...exhaustion, maybe? Hormones? Your guess is as good as mine.

Never the less, it made for a few rough interactions between Saturday and Sunday. For one thing, he is extra intense right now. Everything is amped up to a "10". I really think it is a little boy thing, as my friends who have little girls don't seem to experience this same kind of intensity.

The last blow up occurred at McDonald's. We tried to patch up our rough morning with a trip to the park and we were going to go out for pizza. He asked to go to "old McDonald's" instead, and I recently discovered one nearby that has a play place, so we headed that way.

He started his wiggly and can't stand still stuff while standing in line to order food. We got through that and found a table by the play place. He actually did really well playing and eating...I was impressed. As we were getting close to time to leave, I gave him the 10-minute warning, the 5-minute warning, then 3, then one more time down the slide and it was time to go.

He started to run away from me and I grabbed him and swooped him up (which is quite the funny site with my big belly swinging around). And then he did it. He pulled both hands as far back as he could reach and hit me so hard that I almost dropped him. Right in front of all of those people.

That was it for me, I sat down, gave him all kinds of lectures about how we don't hit and how bad that hurt and how is was not ok and blah blah blah. And I got nothing back. Just screams that he didn't want to leave. No "sorry mommy"s or other reactions that I wanted from him. No apologies or "ok mommy"s or anything. Which made my blood boil. (Yes, I now realize that these are unrealistic expectations of a 2-year-old, but this is what my mind was expecting at the time).

After not getting what I wanted from him, I swooped him up and shuffled out the door and to the car. And in the car as he continued to try and hit me it happened...I turned his little butt around and smacked it hard. And simultaneously said "we do not hit".

Yes, it was not one of my finer parenting moments.

So as he sat in the back seat and cried for his toy or whatever, I drove off towards home. Then the guilt hit me, and I started bawling. Not just little cries either, big, huge, fat tears that I could not control. BBZ asked me a question after he calmed down and I did my best to answer. He asked me why I was talking funny and I told him it was because I was crying. He asked why I was crying and I told him.

I actually manipulated the situation a little and told him I was crying because he hit me. I was actually crying because I knew I had lost control, but I didn't want to go into that right then. He said that he cries when kids at school hit him too. So we talked a little about that. Then he asked for ice cream and I said no. I told him we were taking a bath when we got home and I didn't want him to argue with me at all. Thankfully, he didn't.

So after we got home and relaxed, took a bath and had a snack, we headed to bed. He had one more hitting fit and spent a few minutes in his room alone before bed. I went in and sat down with him, talking about all that happened between us that day.

After a few minutes of talking, I said "BBZ, I am really sorry that I lost my temper earlier today"

And he responds "you need help to find it?"

I couldn't help but giggle. The truth of his 2-year-oldness shined through in that moment. The guilt I had carried that evening for losing my temper drifted away. As bad as I felt for reacting the way I did, BBZ was already over it. He didn't even realize what happened. In fact, he was willing to help me look for what I had lost. Oh goodness, if only we could all see life like a 2-year-old.

I'm not sure why it was so bad this weekend...why I couldn't control my own emotions and help him learn how to control his. I know I can't do the right thing all of the time, and I will learn from this and maybe make some changes to my approach to have a better next time, but for now I'll just chalk it up to a short temper and I try to learn from it. Hopefully he has learned something too.

BBZ says the Darndest Things

2011-06-08T21:35:00.000-05:00

"What's this one called about?"

when he hears a new song, a new show or starts a new book.

"No, it's not my favorite."

Anytime we ask him "why" something, he always answers with "why" instead of "because".

"BBZ, why do you want watermelon?" and he responds "why it's my favorite"

"Hiiiii, baby bwover!" while looking and/or kissing my belly.

"My poop looks like a volcano"

"Let's pway cops and roberts"

"Come on soldiers, let's soldge"

"A tomato storm is coming our way" (tornado)

When asked, what do people do on Shavuot? BBZ replies:

"We drink wine, dance and eat challah . . . Holla!"

"Daddy, this is no time to show your belly, we're hunting dinosaurs"

"Mommy, you're pretty...can I have some ice cream?"

"It is so bootiful outside"

"I need the Lego indructions."

When I ask him what we should name his baby brother, he replies "Loofa".

Which very closely resembles one of our favorite names for LBZ.

And tonight, for the first time he lifted up my shirt, kissed my belly and said:

"I am going to love you so much when you come out of mommy's belly, baby bwover!"

(28 Weeks)

Gosh, I just love him so much! He challenges my patience, makes me question myself constantly, makes me smile, makes me laugh, sometimes makes me want to cry, and always surprises me with the look of absolute peace he has when he closes his eyes and falls asleep. And oh, the things he says...

I love you so much, BBZ.

Is that a Hammer in Your Pants or...

2011-06-05T22:14:00.001-05:00

We had a crazy busy weekend! I should have taken it easy and relaxed since I feel a cold or something coming on, but I feel the worst overnight, so when I get moving in the morning I feel motivated and have to keep going!

Saturday morning, BBZ woke us up early, so we hit the road and headed to a garage sale, the farmer's market and the botanical garden. Oh, I for got to mention that the heat Saturday was forecast to break a heat record, so what better way to celebrate at 7 months pregnant than to spend the whole day outside, right?

I didn't take any pictures at the garden, but let's just say that about an hour in and I was exhausted. Between the heat and the walking (or should I say, waddling), I didn't last long at all.

We came home, but still wanted to do stuff outside. Once we cooled off, we filled up the water table and hung out on the driveway. I finally thought to grab the camera at that point.

I love having a place in the front yard to hang out. Our old house was on such a busy street, we didn't dare let BBZ play our front. This is much, much better.

I can't believe how big he is getting! There is nothing baby about him anymore.

We took it easy last evening and watched a movie. N and I were pretty worn out after the heat and sun of the day. This morning we were motivated again, and N had a few outdoor projects planned. He has been gardening and filling in some open spots in our yard with some new plants. He also picked up some paint and decided to paint the baby's room (aka BBZ's playroom) while BBZ and I were at a birthday party.

Here's the before pics...

The room is set apart from the small living room by an accordion wall. This wall will likely stay open for most of the time unless LBZ is sleeping. And who knows how long it will be before he is sleeping in this room at night. BBZ was 8 weeks before I was ok with him being down the hall.

BBZ woke up in time to do a little painting in a small spot...

And get some on his cute little tootsie toes :)

Here are the after photos!

It seems so weird to have everything all set up already, but I couldn't help it!

The wall does close the room off nicely when it's shut.

I sat in the rocker, gazed at the room and daydreamed about LBZ being here in our house. I sat in the same chair and imagined BBZ joining our family just 3 years ago.

I remember how foreign it felt and hard to believe that he would actually be here with us. This time, I really understand that another little boy will be here, in our home, in this little room, in about 3 months.

Since we had to move some of BBZ's toys out of his playroom, his room got a makeover too!

I really love the way both rooms turned out! BBZ's room is much more suited for a big boy now. He has toys in there and we moved out some of the baby things...including the diapers!

Yes folks, our sweet first born is almost officially out of diapers. He wakes up dry each morning and after each nap and uses the potty throughout the day. He had a few misses today, but he is certainly on the road to potty trained.

I think the diapers are gone for good. I really don't want to turn back. Tomorrow he will have his first day at school with big boy underwear! I am nervous about it, but his teachers said that they want to be consistent with what we are doing at home, and he is in underwear at home, so that seems like what we should do there too. I'm just nervous!

This was an awesome photo I caught while he was playing construction worker...

Is that a hammer in your pants or... :) :) :)

I Seriously Heart Craig's List

2011-05-31T22:05:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure who invented Craig's List. Some guy named Craig, maybe? Anyway, whoever invented this wonderful online classified ad site was a genius. At least to this bargain shopper anyway.

I don't have the time, patience or energy to garage sale, unlike my in-laws who always stumble upon unbelievable finds during their garage sale-ing and auctioning (which often results in a new cooking something for me or a huge Tupperware full of Legos for $1 for BBZ!).

So there is nothing I love more than a great deal on a second hand something-or-other. I read once long before I had BBZ of a woman who had a "green" baby shower where all of the gifts had to be second hand. I didn't want to go that extreme as I think people should be able to purchase what they want for someone, but I did encourage people to pass their loved items onto me in lieu of a brand new gift. I ended up with some gently used and very meaningful hand-me-downs for Mr. BBZ.

So, I have just about everything a mama of a boy needs since I have a little boy already, but that doesn't change the fact that there are some things I really wanted to buy. I created a baby registry to help remember what I need to get and am slowly, but surely, knocking things off that list for mostly more than 50% less than what the baby store wants for them.

First off the list was the newborn to toddler rocker. I had one for BBZ, but both cats on 2 different occasions made it their home and I didn't think I could wash it. With a little patience and some creativity, I was able to remove the seat part and wash it up! It's just like brand new!

Next was the swing. I bought a used one on Craig's List when BBZ was brand new, but it was not a great swing. It didn't work well at all, and as much as BBZ LOVED that swing, I didn't want to take any chances with another Craig's List purchase (while I love the site, I would recommend not purchasing anything electronic). Our friends passed on their well loved swing that is patiently waiting in the playroom for LBZ to arrive.

Besides some prefold diapers and covers, that's about all I have bought for Mr. LBZ. The best thing so far is my beautiful, brand new breast pump. I bought a used one on, you guessed it...Craig's List :), for $60 when I was about this far along with BBZ. It did the trick for the year that I pumped, but barely. By the end a piece would kind of work its way out and it would make this really bad sound. The woman I bought it from used it with her 2 kids, so the thing did make it through 3 children. It was time for a new one.

So I did a little research and found one of the best ones out there, made by Ameda. I added it to the registry and decided to wait until a good coupon deal came along to make the large investment. Luckily, my amazing mom and dad offered to buy it for me! They are so good to me :) So my mom bought it with a $50 rebate I found and it arrives a few weeks ago! I really wanted to open it, but the tape that has it sealed says that it is non-returnable if opened and while I'm sure everything with pumping and breastfeeding will go well, you just never know.

So it's sitting in the back closet, also anxiously awaiting the arrival of LBZ. BBZ was very excited about the box when it showed up, and even more excited when I told him that it is a milk machine to get milk out of mommy's body for his baby brother! It's fun talking about nursing with BBZ because he totally remembers how all of it works. It was just 6 months ago that he weaned, after all.

So 2 more things were crossed off of our list in the last 2 days! First I found this...

For only $15! I thought it was $60 at the baby superstore, but it is actually only $38. But still, that's a great deal for something that seriously looks brand new! Our friends were going to let us borrow theirs, but I'd hate for something to happen to theirs. Plus, a whole other child in any kind of baby equipment could really ruin it. I'm so glad I found this and picked it up yesterday!

Next I found this...

For only $8!! I looked at the registry at how much this was and it is $30 brand new. This one was barely used and looks spotless! I had a red one with BBZ that I could have reused, but I do like the idea of the breathable kind, just in case :)

So those are my great finds so far. I have just a few other things I am keeping my eyes open for, but most things are all set. Now we just need you, LBZ!

Here's a picture I snagged of BBZ today playing with his Legos.

Gosh, I sure do love this little man!

And yes, those are shoes on the kitchen table. Don't judge.

The Re-occurring Dream

2011-05-30T22:25:00.000-05:00

The night before we found out that LBZ is a boy, I had a dream that he was. This was the first dream that he was a boy as in the others before the baby was a girl. The boy part stood out, but the interesting part was that the baby was born and I had no recollection of the hardest part of the birth. I sort of "woke up" and my mom was there and handed me the baby, all wrapped up.
I brushed the dream off and relished in the news that our sweet baby boy is in fact, a boy!

A few weeks later, I had another similar dream. I started to post about it but didn't, for some reason.

The basic premise was the same, although the dream itself was very different. Again I somehow missed the labor part of having the baby and he was just here. I was home already and was very, very confused about how I could have missed the birth and the first hours of his life.

In the dream I didn't even know his name! It was either N or my mom who told me that they named him what I wanted to name him. I also asked if he was circumcised, which is odd that I wondered this in the dream except that I care very much about whether or not that happens with our youngest boy.

So as if that wasn't weird enough, last night the dream came again and took a different, yet similar storyline. I woke again, this time in the hospital room where I delivered, but the whole birth process was a blank. It's like I just showed up there.

Our boy had the same name, but the nurse wouldn't let me see him for some reason. I asked repeatedly to see him, but the nurse kept telling me I couldn't. Then I threw a big fit and said that at the hospital where I had BBZ, he never left my side, and I expected the same thing from this hospital. The nurse left with the intention of bringing me my baby.

She came back into the room where N and I were and she brought us our boy, who was in the little plastic box bed that the hospitals have. He was bundled up and as cute as can be. He was so small and had jet black hair. It was a great dream.

But I can't shake the fact that these dreams all carry the same message that I am completely absent during LBZ's birth. I keep questioning why this is.

I desperately want to have a different experience than the one I had with BBZ. Maybe it means that the birth isn't the important part as the end result is what matters. But the birth really does matter to me. I really do want to experience his birth and perhaps even heal the wounds left by my first experience.

What I am afraid of is that I am more afraid than I realize I am. I honestly think that my experience was about as bad as a delivery can get. I felt disconnected from BBZ, it took months to heal, and I am pretty sure that the fact that he was born at 5pm was directly correlated with the end of my doctor's work day. I truly know that the simple act of foregoing the epidural will give me the experience I want.

So why do all of my dreams leave out what I hope will be the healing part of my experience? Maybe it is because the truth is, that part really doesn't matter. It matters, but not as much as the end result of having my sweet healthy baby boy in my arms. Something I am getting so excited about!

One more dream I want to be sure to remember is the one I had this past Friday night. I missed the birth again, but that wasn't really the basis of the dream as it was with the others. In this dream, we actually had a little girl. She was premature and the tiniest thing I ever saw. But, I was still pregnant with LBZ. It was as though we had twins but the little girl was born early and LBZ was still cooking.

I was trying to nurse her but she was so small and while she was doing fine with it, it seemed odd since she was so tiny. That's about all I remember.

Pregnant dreams are so weird. I remember reading about a woman's dream once that the baby turned into green sludge. So the fact that these dreams may not make sense to me is probably ok. They don't really need to, I suppose.

Have a great week, everyone!

The post in which I drop the F-Bomb.

2011-05-27T15:22:00.000-05:00

There has been a lot going on around our home lately. Lots of playing outside, dodging tornadoes, playing in the basement, pretending to use pacifiers, setting up stationary play sets, you know...the usual :)

Actually, time is really going by fast. BBZ is moving into the next classroom up starting after this holiday weekend. He's such a big boy! He is actually kind of being held back a classroom since he is now the youngest. His birthday isn't until September, and since all but three other little boys have already turned 3 in his classroom, he will move into the room with the other kiddos who will be turning three this year. He's basically moving from being the youngest to being one of the oldest. It was only a matter of time before this would happen, so I'd rather it happen now than when he is 4 or 5 and has to see his friends leave daycare to go to school and he stays back.

So it is a bit bittersweet though. I really, really love his teachers and don't even know his new ones since one is a new hire and the other is from the sister school. I did meet one and she seems great. I had a bad experience with one of the teachers who was in that room so I am quite relieved that she is no longer in the room. Did I tell that story? I don't think I did. I'll do the short version.

While picking up BBZ one day, I saw a commotion in the front of the room. The teacher walked from the area to the desk and back with something purple in her hand. She proceeded to tape two of a child's fingers together really tightly with this purple tape while lecturing him on why he should not pick his nose. All of this right in front of me! She then walked back to the desk and got some scissors. She tried to cut off the tape and I heard her say that she made it too tight because she could hardly get the tape off. I couldn't believe what I was seeing!

I left with BBZ and asked him if she ever did that to him. He said no, but I still felt like I had to do something. I emailed the co-director and reported what I saw. I know BBZ isn't perfect, but what she did was punishment, not teaching. The co-director responded and said she would make sure the issue was addressed. I never heard anything more, but pick-ups were awkward after that.

The funny thing is, BBZ did not pick his nose for the longest time. I'd have to hold him down and get it clean because it would get so nasty. So quite honestly, I am a little happy that he learned how! We do work on using tissues though.

So anyway, I was relieved that she is not going to be a full-time teacher of his.

There is a huge pool at his school that I get to walk past each day when I drop him off and pick him up. It has this beautiful crisp, clear water and smells like chlorine and suntan lotion. BBZ gets to swim 2 times/week there during their summer camp. I am so happy that he is at a school with such fun programs!

-----

Tomorrow morning we will drop Delilah off at the groomer/kennel, drop BBZ off at N's sister's house and head out to Kansas City! It is a very small getaway, but I need it terribly! We are going to do some touristy stuff and see the band that first brought N and me together - Widespread Panic. My early 20s revolved around this band and I have so many wonderful memories that they are directly involved in. My blog is named after one of there songs. I just cannot wait for LBZ to *see* them too! BBZ saw them in utero as well, so it seems only fair :)

-----

Does anyone else feel a ridiculous amount of pressure with regard to what you should eat and drink? Maybe it's just because I am pregnant, but that song "Under Pressure" has been echoing in my mind as of late.

I was talking with an almost stranger at work (someone I don't know very well but work with) early one morning. I said that I was having trouble formulating my thoughts because I hadn't had my caffeine yet. She glanced at my belly and I saw what she was thinking. I saw judgement, and started defending myself saying that I allow myself 1 diet soda each day but try and wait as long as I can in case I can make it without one. She looked right at me and said that diet soda was one of the worst things I could drink and she only drinks coffee and I should stop or at least drink regular and on and on she went...totally uninvited.

Ok, this may seem passive aggressive, but it's my blog and I will say what I want here even if (and probably especially if) I am not able to say what I really want to say when I want to say it.

Since December of 2007......
I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding. Yes, the whole time.
I have taken only extra strength Tylenol, sudafed or amoxicillin.
And one Claritin that I regretted when it dried up my milk.
I can count on one hand how many times I have been drunk (no, I am not kidding)
I gained 50 pounds with BBZ and lost 55.
I have not gained as much with this pregnancy.
I track my food intake and try to provide for the other beings who are now or have previously relied on my body to survive.
I have never cursed on my blog...until now.

I deserve a fucking diet soda...I'm just sayin'.

The other issue is that never in my life have I ever been overweight. Besides the seasonal allergies that I have obviously overcome by not having to take an allergy pill in 3.5 years, I am very healthy.

N recently lost 12 pounds (great work honey!) and he was telling me that he is actually still considered overweight by definition because of his weight/height ratio. He would actually have to lose another 20 pounds to be considered at a healthy weight! That is crazy because he looks amazing and would look way too skinny if he lost that much.

It got me interested in where I fall so I did some poking around. Apparently, I would have to gain 20 pounds more than my pre-pregnancy weight to be considered overweight, and that pre-pregnancy weight (118 pounds) is the most I have ever weighed in my life (besides when pregnant).

So long story short, I have never had a weight problem, so the pressure I feel about what I eat should really let up a bit. Perhaps I have been lucky...I'm sure part of it is my genes, but most of it is because I eat well and pay attention to the things I put into my body. I do not need to count every thing that goes in. I do not need to freak out if I eat a few cookies one day. And for god's sake...I can have a damn diet soda.

Ok, passive aggressive time is over.

-----

I have lots of fun trips coming up. Tomorrow is one, then Chicago for work in June, a father's day trip to see my family, another work trip in July...and I guess that's it. It probably should be it as traveling in one's 9th month of pregnancy is usually frowned upon. Summer trips are set and I can't wait.

I hope everyone has a fun holiday weekend planned!

Viability

2011-05-14T14:46:00.001-05:00

This week marks 24 weeks, which is also when the pregnancy calendars start talking about viability.

According to dictionary.com, viability is defined as:
–adjective

1. capable of living.

2. Physiology . a. physically fitted to live. b. (of a fetus) having reached such a stage of development as to be capable of living, under normal conditions, outside the uterus.

This is pretty hard for me to believe considering our little babe weighs only about 1.5 pounds. But it does give me comfort that babies born at this stage might be able to survive. One thing I know for sure is that I have absolutely no control over what is going to happen. It's a lesson I learned while pregnant with BBZ and one he continues to teach me as a toddler. I often wish I could control him and his little bubble in the world, but what will be, will be, and I have to just have faith that things will work out as they are meant to.

So here's a 24 week belly shot!

It's really hard to take these myself, so I think I might have N take the next one, whenever that will be! I took one every other week throughout my entire pregnancy with BBZ. This one has 2. The one above and the one at 10 weeks. It is true what they say about second pregnancies!

We are narrowing down the baby's name. I have my very favorite, which was even his name in a dream I had. It was a strange dream that was much like the one I had about him the night before we found out he is a boy. Ironically, his initials would be LHZ, pretty close to LBZ, huh!?! I remember choosing a name being hard, but I don't remember it being this hard. It's fun, but also hard having things up in the air.

I have an intense need to nest, but I can't really because BBZ's playroom is going to be LBZ's room. I don't want to change too much of his world all at once, so we are slowly making changes to that room. I really want to put the crib up and get things situated, but it seems weird to take away his playroom already.

Overall I have been feeling pretty good. I've had terrible hip pain throughout this whole pregnancy, which I hopes goes away after this little man arrives. I can finally eat cooked vegetables again without gagging and have decided to keep my vice of one Diet Pepsi per day. I tried so hard to stop drinking soda like I did with BBZ, but I just can't do it this time. I have to cut myself some slack and make through the day.

I feel him kick all day. He has hiccups a lot. I'm in the best part of pregnancy, the second trimester, and it is living up to the expectations. I am enjoying these final months with BBZ as an only child and look forward to our growing family at the end of the summer. I can't complain!

I let my son play with guns. (and other reasons I might be a terrible mother)

2011-05-10T18:54:00.000-05:00

Alternately titled: Our Mother's Day Weekend.

One of my recent posts showed BBZ imagining himself as a civil war soldier, just like his grandpa. He used a guitar as a gun and marched around the house calling himself the captain. It was so cute!
So while on our way to N's sister's house on Sunday for Mother's Day, N said that his parents had a toy gun for BBZ to play with since he is suddenly so into playing soldier. He asked me what I thought about it and I really had to think.

I realize that I am supposed to want to keep such toys out of my son's hands. I get that most parents would never allow their child to play with toys that resemble guns, much less give him a toy that looks like an actual gun and say "go ahead and play 2.5-year-old!"

But I do actually have a reason for my being ok with this type of play. You see, we are not a gun-loving or even a gun-liking family. I have never held a real gun. N has, but only when shooting at targets at our friend's farm. I could never look down the barrel of a gun and pull the trigger knowing that what I am pointing at might die. I just can't do it. Not that I have some problem with people who do. I know people who hunt during deer season to provide meat for their families for the year, so I get that there is certainly a point in hunting. In fact, it could be argued that the natural occurrence of hunting is much more humane than the slaughter houses where much of our meat comes from.

But I digress.

I had to ask myself what concerns me about him playing with guns. Basically, I don't want him to play violently. But do I think that having a play gun will suddenly turn my sweet little sensitive boy into a fist-throwing gun-slinger? No, I sure don't. While I am concerned about his possible comfort with violence, I really don't think playing with guns will make him a violent person.

My biggest fear when it comes to guns is that he will be in a house where there is a gun, pick it up and accidentally kill himself or a friend out of typical boy curiosity. So to me, teaching him how to appropriately play with a gun is a better defense against that type of tragedy. We have made 2 rules in our house when playing with his gun:

1) Mommy, daddy, or another adult must be around while playing.
2) The gun can never be pointed at anyone or anything. It must be pointed into the sky.

If I can brand these 2 rules into my son's head, perhaps he will remember them if he ever does find a real gun. At the very least I hope he will not point it at his friends but most importantly know that a grown-up needs to know that he is playing with one.

Now I'm not saying all parents should let their children have a toy gun. If it weren't for my son's specific personality, I may feel quite differently. This feels like the right decision for us, and since most of parenting is a crap shoot anyway, we have to trust our gut with this one and go with it.

So there it is. My admission that I don't have everything figured out and that these decisions we make for our children are hard, but with some discussion and concern, we have to make what we hope is the right choice and move on to the next challenge.

Speaking of Mother's Day, mine was wonderful! BBZ and I hung out on Saturday morning while N made a rain barrel at a class at the local garden. We went to a carnival and then to the playground, met up with N for much and scooted on over to another park where they were hosting a micro brew festival. Now I couldn't partake in the beer festivities, but we were outside on a blanket with kiddos running around bare foot and I was in heaven. It was so nice to spend the entire day outside with friends and family.

Of course I didn't take one picture. Oh well, I have the memories stored safely in my head.

Sunday we spent the morning running errands and enjoying each other. N and BBZ brought me breakfast in bed! I hadn't been to the grocery store, so I enjoyed fruit snacks, a few grapes and blueberries and water in a champagne glass, which was quite lovely. I think BBZ was just excited to have fruit snacks for breakfast.

After we spent some nice time with N's family, we ran some more errands. BBZ fell asleep in the car, so N and I took turns running into the various stores. While N was in Petsmart, I had an itch on my chest and scratched it. I felt something inside my shirt, I reached in and grabbed....a Lego! First, how the hell did I not feel it and second, how long had it been in there?!?

That just goes along with being the mama of a little boy, I suppose.

BBZ is a soldier, just like Ganpaw!

2011-05-02T21:24:00.000-05:00

I think I mentioned that this weekend we visited N's parents at a civil war reenaction. Well, BBZ must have been incredibly affected by it because when he came home today he wanted to play soldier. I dug out his soldier hat that Grandpa and Grandma Z got for him a year or so ago and handed it to him. The following circumstance occurred....

At the end, he hoped to find a way to hook his "gun" onto his pants. This was his solution....

A "chief ganpaw"!

He just cracks me up. I love to watch his little mind at work. His imagination is so awesome and I just cannot get enough of him!
N's parents go on camping trips almost every weekend for events, and they were talking with BBZ about coming with them. He didn't seem too interested when we were there, but to see him this into it makes me think that he is almost ready!

Oh weekend, how quickly you fly by.

2011-05-01T22:01:00.000-05:00

I love weekends. Especially ones with pretty weather, lots of energy for me and plenty of fun things to do with my boys.

Friday, I left work a little early having worked for 13 straight hours on Wednesday. N had gone golfing with some friends, so after I sat on a panel at work and ran to Walgreen's, I found a $6 golf set that N and BBZ tried to find the day before and couldn't. I guess N and BBZ got N's golf clubs out since he had golfing plans and BBZ wanted some of his own. We played lots of golf on Friday!

N had a bit of a rough night Thursday with some of his old fraternity brothers. These guys crack me up. They certainly aren't 23 anymore!

We took it easy and both fell asleep on the couches before 9:30pm. That is a very common occurrence for me these days. Also, I gave away a huge shelf unit that belonged to my parents back int he 70s. The shelf was at my aunt's house for a while and when they were done with it we took it. It was in the playroom, which will soon be LBZ's room, so it had to go. A really nice lady who was so unbelievable excited about it came and picked it up on Friday. I bought a little white dresser on Craig's List last week for the room, so it is slowly starting to look more like a baby's room!

Saturday morning I got a haircut. It had been a while so it feels so great! Last weekend I got my Old Navy stuff n save coupon in the mail and had 50% off! I bought A LOT of things online for me and for all of the boys, including N!

I realize that I have everything I could possibly need for a little boy, seeing as though I have one and all. But there are some things a mama just can't resist buying for a little boy. Especially something as cute as this!!!

Isn't that just the cutest little old man sweater you have ever seen? Yeah, I think so too. I can't wait to see LBZ wearing this later this year!!!

There were a few things I needed to return, so the 3 of us went to Old Navy yesterday and not only could I use the 50% off coupon I had, but I also got buy one get one 50% off! N bought some undershirts that were normally $10 for $3.75, I got a skirt that I can wear now and after the baby (this is a must as I will not buy something I can't wear now and I refuse to buy anymore maternity clothes) and also got N another short for super cheap. It was a great weekend for great deals!

I was supposed to go to a friend's birthday celebration on Saturday night, but I just wasn't feeling up to it. I feel huge already and knew I wouldn't find anything that I felt nice in and really hoped to be lazy. I bailed on the party and fell asleep at 9pm! Good thing I didn't go out because I also slept until 8am! I woke up to milk and donuts from BBZ and N and got our day started.

N's parents do civil war re-enaction and were at a local park this weekend. We drove to the park and spent some time with them, which was so nice on such a beautiful day.

BBZ fell asleep on the way to lunch so the afternoon was a little rough. If he sleeps for a short time in the car, there's no point in trying to get him to nap. He was out like a light by 7:45pm, which is generally unheard of for my 9pm-6am sleeper. I hardly knew what to do with myself! Clearly, I took the opportunity to catch up on the ol' blog.

I have a ton of work to do this week, but I am really looking forward to some family time next weekend for Mother's Day. Have a great week!!

Easter Weekend

2011-05-01T21:19:00.000-05:00

Better late than never!

We had so much fun on Easter weekend. My mom left just a few days before the weekend after being in town for 2 weeks helping my grandparents move into a senior living apartment building. So we had one egg hunt there, then visited some friends, then had an egg hunt at our house Easter morning, then had one at N's parents house! Whew, that was a lot of egg hunting! And candy, which I have so many mixed feelings about. But that's another post for another day.

My aunt brought her grand kids so BBZ had some egg-hunting company!

No matter what, he just won't pose for a picture! Especially one with a very old head that was noticeably flat from apparently laying flat on his face for an abnormally long time.

What is it about boys and guns? BBZ has never watched a violent cartoon or had a toy gun, but the moment he got this squirt gun in his hand he knew exactly what guns do. Boys are boys, I suppose.

Is it just me, or is that the world's largest Easter basket?

Who the heck put all an egg so far out of reach? No worries, BBZ is a problem solver :)

Or Grandpa can help, too.

I'm putting all that candy right here in my belly, grandpa!

Grandma made him this awesome blanket with a matching pillow! It goes perfectly in his firetruck bedroom.

Clearly, it was a fun weekend!

Sew Good and Trendy!

2011-04-20T12:11:00.000-05:00

My blogging pal, Gina, commented on my last post asking for a photo of the bag I paid a little too much for, so it got me digging.

I went digging around the Internet to spread the word about this amazing artist/designer and I can't believe what I found out. Not only are all of her bags made from recycled and eco-friendly materials, but she also collects all of the decorative scraps from the very same local university where I did my graduate studies.

And not only that, but she is also legally blind.

I am continually amazed by the work this mother is doing and am spreading the love for her products not out of hopes of getting something back, but out of sheer respect for the way she has chosen to operate her business.

And I'm not one to put people with disabilities who have special talents up on a pedestal. The fact that she can create such beautiful work despite her disability is what fascinates me. I don't think she's some super-human or anything, just a very talented crafter who deserves recognitions for that. The fact that she is legally blind just makes her more interesting. If this doesn't make sense, just pick up the book "No Pity" by Joseph P. Shapiro, who explains it much better than I do.

So in my search I found a little TV spot showcasing her talents and included a picture of the bag that I no longer think I paid too much for. Like most handmade goodies, it's like wearable art and is worth every penny!

Here's my new beautiful bag!

And here's the TV spot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aCM6lv3pz4

And I can't forget her website, which has a link to her etsy shop.

http://sewgoodandtrendy.com/

My son loves candy. And I spent way too much on a bag.

2011-04-17T21:07:00.000-05:00

Oh, what a weekend!
Really, it was crazy packed full of fun and lots of playing!

BBZ is obsessed with firetrucks. Seriously. Obsessed. I love playing with him, but one can only play firetrucks for so long before dying to do something else. Knowing that we were going to an Easter egg hunt in the morning, I decided to get the Easter stuff out of the basement and do some practice hunting.

It was so fun! BBZ and N and I took turns hiding and finding the eggs. He was totally pumped and ready for the real deal, which was at the Botanical Garden Saturday morning.

The weather was terrible! It was cold and rainy and I bundled us up ready for a fun chilly day outdoors. Little did I know that when the weather is bad, they have the hunt indoors. it was still fun, but not nearly as fun as it would have been had we been able to run and enjoy the beautiful outdoor garden.

Here's BBZ as a top-notch egg hunter!

I wouldn't generally videotape something this uninteresting, but I took one photo with my camera and the batteries died. At least I had my cell phone! The pictures turned out terrible, but the video is pretty good!

So the rest of the weekend we argued with numerous requests for the delicious candy that was in those colored eggs. It was not so fun. He has a serious love of fruity candy. Just like his mama and his daddy!

Today was an awesome day. My mom is still in town helping my grandparents getting settled into their new place, which is an independent living arrangement at a senior housing complex. She and I drove out there this morning, which was the first time I saw the place. It's really nice, but they said they are having a tough time adjusting. It's not home, but it is a beautiful place. We're going to another Easter egg hunt on Saturday there.

Next my mom came along with me for a lunch I had planned with some friends from elementary school. Now these girls know me. Not the me that I think some people know, but the me that has been me since 3rd grade. And I know them too. It is such a joy to spend time with them and to know that through all these years, we still love each others' company.

While I was off with my mom this morning, N had a fun-filled day with Mr. BBZ. Their day started at the Zoo and ended at the Earth Day Festival in Forest Park. I am a little jealous! Not really though...I love that he and N spend time like this together.

My mom and I came home around 3:30 and N was desperately trying to get BBZ to nap. Something BBZ never did do. So he was worse then cranky this evening, but that's ok. He went out like a light at bedtime! (Hence why I actually have time to blog tonight!

I made a huge splurge purchase this weekend. At the garden on Saturday, there was a women there who sewed handmade, eco-friendly, gorgeous purses. As soon as I walked up I knew I was going to buy one. Little did I know that I was going to spend WAY too much on the most perfect messenger/diaper bag that I have been keeping my eyes wide open for.

I didn't use cloth diapers with BBZ until he was 6 months old. I hope to use cloth with this little fellow as soon as possible, so I needed a bag that would accommodate quite a few cloth beauties. I also knew that I really wanted a handmade one and had been eyeing a few on Etsy, but those were even more expensive than this one. It is so pretty and I can't wait to use it! And, since it's not a traditional diaper bag, I will be able to use it after this little man is done needing one!

So it was worth the arm and half a leg I paid for it. That's what I'm telling myself anyway :)